Happy Valentines Day in Heaven, Sweet Princess Serenity...

Dear Serenity,

     I know that I haven’t written to you much lately and I must say that I miss it dearly. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you about my day or about my plans for Valentine’s Day or what. I’m not sure how that got ruined. I always used to just let the words flow and then the next thing I knew I would have a letter written.  These days it seems that I have a more difficult time with that. I hope that you know that mommy still loves you very much. I think that part of it is that I have been dealing with so much lately and I don’t want to tell you about the sad things that I’m going through or anything less than cheerful…although I’m sure you know anyway… J

                As you know daddy is with someone new now. I tried to be her friend and I tried very hard to be daddy’s friend but it didn’t work out baby girl. I’m sorry. I know you understand but I still feel like I failed you somehow by not being successful with that. It just hurts too much and to many mistakes were made. Luckily you don’t have to experience heartache or pain like that where you are. I also want to say that just because Daddy and I aren’t talking anymore doesn’t mean that I will think of you any less or that he will. I gave him a bracelet that I had made with your name and birthday on it before we stopped speaking. I thought it would be what you wanted. Besides he’s still your daddy and he deserves to remember you in his own way. He did ask for one so I indulged. They are such beautiful bracelets angel girl. They turned out just how I imagined. I wish that we had you here instead of only being able to wear a bracelet with your name on it but I’m just glad I get to do something to remember you. I’m going to send your Auntie Lissie one…along with one that says ‘Aunt of an Angel’. I am glad we picked purple since the other ones we are ordering are white. J

 I have decided to order only those closest to me ones that say ‘Aunt of an Angel’.  So that means your Auntie Lissie, Auntie Allie, Auntie Katie, and of course Aunt Glo.  They have all 4 done so much for me angel girl. In their own ways they have all helped me and I would like for them to know how much they mean to the both of us…I know you sent each of them my way when it was time. Thank you for that baby girl. You and God have really been looking out for me up there and helping me to get just where I need to be. Maybe I’ll tell you a little bit about each of them next…

I think I’ll start with your Auntie Katie. I just recently got back into contact with her and that’s nice. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone on the nights I can’t sleep. She has always been able to relate to me pretty well and we were friends even before I was pregnant with you. She’s quiet and shy. She is always trying to help people. She lived with me for awhile but we sort of got into some arguments and decided maybe it was best that we didn’t talk for awhile. I’m so happy that she has decided to be around again though. I missed her silly jokes and I missed being able to talk to her about random things. I hope that things continue to go well with her and that perhaps we’ll even be good friends like before. She’s very special to me and unique. She helped me a lot when I first had you. She was there even on my worst days when no one knew what to say to me. She never told me that what I was feeling was stupid or that I should ‘get over it’. It’s nice to have a friend like that. I’m glad that she’s giving me another chance and forgiving me. Btw, She'll tell you differently but she's just as beautiful as she always was...inside and out.

Next is Auntie Lissie. She’s quite the character as well angel girl. As I’m sure you see from way up there. She is always saying silly things and although she lives in Australia we do make video calls on the computer. I met her in one of my support groups that I found on facebook. I love her so much though. Even when we first started talking it was like we had known each other forever. I am so glad that even though losing you was tragic that it could bring us together and bring me a friend who never judges me nor does she ignore me when I truly need her. Also she sends me things from Australia every now and then and that’s always exciting. She holds a very special place in my heart. We are planning for me to go to Inverell next summer. That will be lots of fun. I have to go see Esther and Ollie and Auntie Lissie and Uncle Graeme. They agreed I could stay there. It will be an opportunity of a lifetime. Thanks angel girl.

As for Auntie Allie I’m not sure where to start. She is a riot. Between Auntie Allie and your cousin Jaycee I am surprised I haven’t died laughing. I am positive you brought them to me because Jaycee was the first baby that I bonded to after I had you. She was the first child I even allowed myself to be around for any length of time. I was afraid that if I got too attached then I would forget you or replace you or something. Auntie Allie is there for me just like Auntie Lissie and Aunt Katie. She never forgets me and she always does anything she can to help. J She never lets me down. We just had a huge snow storm and I needed her and she dug her car out just for me. I told her she didn’t have to but she was insisting that if I needed her then she was coming to get me. I love that about her. I also love that she can make me laugh even when I wish that I could just curl up and join you. She doesn’t ever let me give up. She believes in me when I don’t have the strength to believe in myself anymore. She helps me get out of bed and when all else fails… there’s Jaycee. She is too young to understand how much she truly does for me but one day I hope that I will be able to show her.  When I need cuddles or someone to need me or someone to spoil… I have Jaycee. When she calls me ‘Auntie B’ it melts my heart … the only thing better would be if you could be here calling me mommy. I am so glad that I got back in contact with Auntie Allie. She loves you so much. It’s crazy. It’s almost like you had been here before you went to Heaven. She lets me talk about you and never changes the subject if I want to tell a pregnancy story or if I just need to talk about you. It takes a very special person for that. She’s not afraid to ask questions either. She told me the reason that God took you to Heaven was because he needed another mermaid for the Ocean of Heaven. I hope you’re having fun swimming all day angel girl because mommy misses you so much down here.

Last but not least is Aunt Glo. She is a friend that I met through facebook as well. I went to high school with her sister and then I started talking with her on facebook. She’s asked about you a lot and I’ve been able to share your story with her. She isn’t afraid to ask questions. I envy her quite a lot. She is beautiful on the inside and out. Her son Max is adorable. I haven’t gotten to know him all that well. I have definitely gotten really close to Aunt Glo in not that long of a time. She is always offering me dinner and to take me places and do things. I don’t mind but sometimes I feel like she thinks she owes it to me and she doesn’t. Her friendship and her respect and her love for her are more than enough. She doesn’t realize how much her kindness means to me. I had been debating on whether or not to offer her an ‘Aunt of an Angel’ bracelet but wasn’t sure that she would be interested. I try really hard not to make people feel like they have to have a bracelet or like it is necessary for them to feel an attachment to you in order to be a part of my life. Although they do have to respect that I am attached to you and still talk about you. So anyway, I was telling her that I was considering ordering a couple but that I wasn’t sure who would want them or if anyone even considered themselves your aunt. She told me that in time the people who deserved one or wanted one would reveal themselves and I told her that she was right. So then she began telling me how much you impacted her life because now when she sees a sunset or pictures of angels or freshly fallen snow that is still sparkling that she thinks of you. I told her how I was glad we could make a difference and I thought it was really neat how she talked about you like she knew you before you went to Heaven and how much that meant to me. I then asked her if she would be interested in one and she said of course she would and that I should know that. I told her that I consider her one of your aunts and she said that she did too but she was too embarrassed to tell me. I told her that was silly. I was thankful that she didn’t just assume that she had the right to tell me that she was one of your aunts though. It was very respectful and nice of her. J I love her so much.  She says she always imagines you being best friends with Max. That made me smile as well. People imagining you and remembering you is what keeps your memory going. I appreciate all the help that I can get. We are planning on dinner soon. She wants to take me out since I won’t let her pay for her bracelet. I told her it wasn’t necessary but she insisted. Thank you for bringing her into our family as well Angel girl. She is very special to me as well as the others. I hope she knows that.

Thank you for all that you do for me, Serenity. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. So many times I get disappointed because you aren’t in my dreams as often and I don’t feel you around me as much as I used to. It worries me that I’ll forget you or that maybe I’m not a good mother because I am forgetting little details now. I know that isn’t true or at least part of me does but I still wonder sometimes if I am doing an okay job at being an angel mommy or if I am messing it up completely. It’s so hard. However, on my hardest days and during my darkest hours I know that these 4 women are around for me to lean on when I don’t have enough strength anymore to help myself. I know that without them I would be in a totally different place in life right now and that it would probably be a decent place but it wouldn’t be the same without them.  I wouldn’t trade the places I have been or the things that I have lived through for anything in the world because I know that it would probably mean that these 4 wonderful women among others wouldn’t be in my life and that in itself would be tragic. Thank you again angel girl for bringing them into my life along with other angel moms and people who mean so much to me. I don’t know where I would be without the support system that we have created since you were born and I don’t want to find out.

Mommy loves you baby girl. I wouldn’t trade those 14 weeks together for anything. I have learned so much about who I am and the strength that I hold within myself since you were born. If you hadn’t have been born early then I might not know that about myself. I will not forget you and I am glad that I know that you are safe and being taken care of. Have fun in Heaven baby. I’ll be with you someday. Until then…

Happy Valentine’s Day in Heaven Angel Girl!

and please remember that the wings of my soul fly with you.

Kisses & Cuddles,

   Mommy

To My Angel

Dear Serenity,

    Oh momma is having a rough day today. I feel like everything is falling apart. I'm pretty sure that you already know that though. I'm pretty sure that you are with me while I go through this today. I can feel you. I just wish that it wasn't so hard. I guess my hormones are out of control once again.

Mommy misses you so much baby. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you and cuddle you and love you just like all the mommas who have babies that are here on Earth. I joined several groups lately. We chat and help each other through the rough times. I appreciate their help so much! Thank you for helping me find them.

I finally decided on a memorial tattoo as well. :) I'm going to get 3 forget-me-not flowers...they are going to be different colors than normal forget me nots though... 1 will be Sapphire blue for you baby girl...1 will be Peridot green for daddy..and then mommy's will be Ruby red. Then I'm going to get our initials on a petal of each flower..yours will be on the blue one, mommy's will be on the red one, and daddy's will be on the green one. It's supposed to represent our family even if you and me are the only ones left of it. I hope you like that idea...

I have to be honest with you.. I still miss your daddy. I miss him so much. But things can't ever be the same. Would you please help me to let go? I know that you would want me to be happy. I'm trying so hard but with my emotions all crazy and so much stuff going on its hard. I wish things were different but I need to quit wasting my time wishing and just let go.

We get a new baby in our classroom tomorrow. Her name is Lanie. She's walking. So that will be different. I'm so excited to get to know her like I know the other kids in the classroom. I think it will be a lot of fun. :)

I also got back in touch with  my old friend. Her name is Sarah. She asked about you the other day. :) And she didn't even change her mind about wanting to know when I said it was a long story. I'm so happy to have good friends Serenity. I am also happy that you are up there and I know that you have good friends too. Sorry that I'm rambling so much tonight. I don't know what all to say. You probably think that this letter is silly. I'm sorry angel girl.. Mommy's heart just isn't in it tonight.. I'm not sure why. I'll be a better mommy and write another letter soon. Maybe it will be better. I love you always..and remember..the wings of my soul fly with you...

Kisses & Cuddles,
    Mommy

Why Now?

Why did you have to apologize?

Why did you have to confess everything from the past now?

Why did you think it would help me to hear it?

Why now?

Why do you think that telling me that you loved me then and a part of you always will is going to make a difference?

Why do you think I care now that you have her?

Why don't you just leave me be and let my shattered heart have a chance to heal?

Why do you say you don't want me and then try to reel me back in?

Why now?

Here's the thing...I'm a survivor and I don't need you.

I've been dealing with things on my own for awhile now.

I haven't asked you for anything.  

Why do you think this will change so suddenly?

Why do you think that I will sit here and wait for something of the past and not move on?

Why do you want things to be different now?

Why are you asking to be my friend after you left so abruptly?

Why now?

Here's the thing...

I don't want you to answer any of these questions...These things no longer matter.

I can't hold on to the past anymore...I've held on for far too long.

I am finished waiting for you to change when I know you never will.

I am finished crying over all these hurts...I'm finally ready to truly heal.

I am tired of fighting for someone who doesn't fight for me.

I refuse to ask you for anything else.

I have made it this far so..

Why now?

Everyone has scars

Eveyone has scars that show where they have been. It's not just certain groups of people. We all have them. We all have a past that brings us to the present and will help take us to the future. Without the past and the scars on our souls and hearts we wouldn't mature. We wouldn't be able to help other people anymore and that would be a bigger tragedy.

People used to try and make me feel ashamed of my past or of things that have happened to me but I will no longer let them. God is using that to bring me to the person I am supposed to be. Sure, it was hard. I have things that I wonder if I might have changed if I had known the results but when I really think about it...I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't change it. I have become a better person because of it. Sure, sometimes I wish I hadn't made some mistakes that I did. Who doesn't? But life is a lesson and you learn by making choices..even if some of those choices end up not being so great.

Anyone who tells you that they don't have scars or that they don't have a past is probably lying or they haven't lived enough life to be able to have things like that. Everyone experiences life at a different pace. Some of us grow up way before our time, while others take their sweet time and life allows them this luxury. However, no one should be ashamed of whatever their pace is. God has a plan. We are chosen to live the life we are given because we are the only ones strong enough to go through the specific trials and troubles that we endure...Some of us may lose children...while others may endure something totally different..Both are equally painful but the one who lost the child may not be able to endure whatever it is the other person is going through nearly as well and vice versa.

My point is that we all will have scars in the end but they will tell a story. Our soul has a story to tell...So don't be ashamed of your past...don't be ashamed of anything you have done or haven't done. Know that you are loved. Know that there is a reason for everything and that it may or may not be changing someone else's life. Something that you go through might help one of your friends in the future...or it may just help you as you get older and life throws more at you...but either way you should never be ashamed because that's like apologizing for the person you are.

Just so you know...

DISCLAIMER: I am feeling a need to vent and I said everything on my mind. Sorry if it offends you that was not the intention.

Just so you know I meant what I said on my facebook post that night...every last word of it.

Just so you know I will make it and it will be no thanks to you.

Just so you know our daughter knows who really cares and who has been true to her memory and who is just using it to see how far they can get.

Just so you know you will never be able to replace her or forget her no matter how hard you try.

Just so you know you may have hurt me but you didn't break me...and you never will.

Just so you know I know I'm not perfect but I am proud of who I am.

Just so you know my heart is no longer shatters at the thought of you not wanting me.

Just so you know I'm finished making excuses and compromising myself for you and other people.

Just so you know I no longer care what you say or think.

Just so you know my true friends will always be around and will never turn their backs on me the way you did time and time again.

Just so you know I really did love you and would have done anything for you but it's too late now...I won't sit around and wait for you to change into the person you always promised that you would be anymore.

Just so you know you'll never be anything to her.

Just so you know I'm glad God has her and not you because now you'll never be able to hurt her the way you did me.

Just so you know I don't feel guilty for saying any of this because you needed to hear it.

Reality Lately

Have you ever felt completely alone even though reality is quite the contrary? Have you ever wished that you could sleep away the pain or the heartache? Have you ever been in such pain that you can't eat, sleep, or think? That's where I am right now and I'm not sure why. I know that a lot has gone on over the last month...thank goodness it's almost over...but I didn't think it was effecting me. I thought that I was doing fine. Then a couple of days ago I realized that I'm not okay. It's almost as if I've been in shock of some sort and about the time I started to feel like myself everything that's happened hit me all at once.

It was Serenity's 3rd Christmas this year. That went so well. Everything was fine. I laughed and had a good time and knew that my angel girl was with me the whole time. I did so well all day..sure the few days before I hadn't slept much and I didn't know why but that wasn't anything new. I've had trouble sleeping off and on since my daughter was born. So that chalks up to about 2 years and 3 months. I didn't think anything of it. I figured it was the normal holiday insomnia along with some of the other stress that had been added with her daddy and everything. But now I can't sleep at all...and if I do then I toss and turn continuously until morning. I am always sick to my stomach...especially if there is food anywhere near me. I could have hunger pains one moment and then the next moment I can't stand the smell of whatever it is that I'm trying to eat. The only other time I remember being like this is when I had Serenity. It was like I was a zombie. But even then sleep would eventually come...filled with dreams of everything that had happened but it would come...I would attempt to eat and usually succeed at first...this time is completely different. This time I just walk around in 'zombie state' and pray that no one notices. It's almost like I was drowning and fighting to stay above water and now I've reached the point where I just can't fight anymore and I'm slowly sinking to the bottom now.

I am grieving a loss I suppose. I've lost someone very close to me..at least in a certain way. He didn't die but neither of us were happy anymore and it was time to let go. We needed to go our separate ways and in time be able to be friends instead of dragging it out to the point of resentment towards one another. It's so strange though because I feel as if I'm going through the same stages of grief that I went through after Serenity's birth. It seems like grief would be different for a loss of a significant other and the loss of my child...but it isn't. I am just as deeply saddened by this situation as I was with Serenity. I think part of that comes from the fact that he was her father. I am now cutting one of the ties that I had to Serenity. The only other bond that was like mine to her. :( I will survive though. If I have learned anything over the last 2 years it is that I AM a survivor!

Also, I have joined a group for angel mommas and I think that helping those women is helping me heal but sometimes it's a little painful. Sometimes helping them forces me to relive things or deal with things that I hadn't dealt with in the past. Helping them means opening up about things that I felt or things that I didn't say or things that others said/did after Serenity's birth that may have effected me in ways that I wasn't willing to admit back then and sometimes it just simply means empathizing with them and that in turn causes me to open up my heart and remember things that I had long since shoved into a deep abyss in my heart. Now, some of the ladies that I am talking about will probably read this and I want to assure them that I by no means want them to stop calling or to hesistate when they need me because I am going to make it through this. They are helping me just as much as I am helping them. They are helping me to realize that it's okay that I still feel the pain sometimes and that I am only human, not superwoman and that they love me (along with my friends and family) just as much as they would if I wasn't an angel momma. These groups have been so much help for me...Thank you angel parents. We forever share a bond that can never be broken and I am so beyond blessed to know you all. So like I said please don't hesitate to contact me. That's what we are here for. To support and help each other through the raging seas of life. I love you all. :)

Well, I suppose I should quit rambling. I think I'm beginning to feel a little better now. I need to remember how cleansing that writing and letting out feelings can be. I have to remember that writing is almost like breathing to me and that I always feel at least a temporary wave of relief when I use my skill. I am so much better with words when I am writing or typing them than when I am speaking them. It always comes out just the way I want it to even if I have to erase or backspace a few times before it is the way that I want it to be.  However, I tend to overlook how much better it makes me feel when I am feeling any sort of emotion very deeply. I think that comes from fear of admitting reality as it is sometimes if that makes sense. As long as I don't say it or write about it then I can deny it. I've been working on that as well. Sometimes I do really well with accepting things as they are and at other times I fail epically. That's only natural. We all stumble at times but as long as we get back up and try again then it doesn't matter.

If any of you have any suggestions on how to deal with all these feelings or would like to share how you dealt with yours then that would be great. I am always up for tips or advice if anyone could offer me any.

I also want to say that I love all my friends (angel mommas or not) and family so much. I want to thank all of you for everything that you've done and for being a part of my life in 2010. I hope to see you all in 2011 as well. :) If there is anything I can ever do for any of you then don't hesitate to ask. I will always be willing to help in any way that I can.

Last but not least, I love you Serenity Hope Knight. I love you so much and I just wanted to remind you angel girl. I know you're flying high and watching over me and I am so proud to be your mommy. I wouldn't trade any of the time I had with you or your daddy for anything. I hope that you know that. I can't wait to hold you in my arms one day and kiss you and cuddle you. 
     Kisses & Cuddles,
              Mommy :)

Merry Christmas, Angel girl!

  Serenity,
    I know that you had an absolutely amazing Christmas. Mommy did too...But you already knew that didn't you? :) The only thing that could've made this day any  more perfect than it was is if you had been here. Your Great Grandma bought me the prettiest plaque with your name on it and it has candles in front of all the letters. It's absolutely gorgeous and she picked it just for you. I know that you and God worked on her heart so that she could accept you and help her to be able to buy that for me. Thank you. It made me so happy. Mommy also got another really great present...your Auntie Allie and Cousin Jaycee came home...I haven't seen them yet but I will soon...I'm hoping either tomorrow or Monday. I've missed them so much.  also got a gps system so that I don't get lost going places...I got clothes...which I love...and some jewelry and an e-reader!!! so excited!!!

  So you're daddy isn't going to be around me much anymore. He's with a new girl..I won't mention any names though because I don't know her well and that might be a little rude...not that I have anything bad to say about her.. I've talked to her a time or two...she seems sweet. I hope she treats him well. I always told him that all I wanted was for him to be happy. I mean it baby girl. He gave me you and that's so special but I don't want him to feel trapped either. I so badly want to be able to be friends with him but I have a feeling that isn't going to end up happening. I dont know how to just be friends with someone who I gave my heart to. Besides, I would rather let go and walk away now instead of dragging it out until we hate each other. I would rather have a really amazing memory than a shattered heart later on. Although, I don't know who I think I'm kidding...it's already shattered. I wanted so badly to make things work...I wanted so badly for him to be my forever ending..But you know what  I realized? God has something so great for both me and your daddy that we can't even begin to imagine what it is...and if we aren't supposed to be together then He has someone else better for the both of us...someone who He created just for us. That puts a smile on my face. But I still wouldn't trade the time I had with your daddy for anything. His new special someone is a very lucky lady...I wish them the best. Oh, and just in case you're wondering...I'm sure he still misses you...just perhaps a little differently but I'm sure he does...I know I do. Sometimes I think daddy deals with it better than mommy and that is part of the reason that he has to be with someone elseKeep your eye on him Angel girl. He still needs it. :) Shhh...don't tell him...it's our secret...Well, I guess not since I'm posting it here but that's okay..no one will tell. :p

I have held it together all day lovie. I have made sure to keep a smile on my face...a few times my mind even let me rest entirely and let you fly high where you belong. It was sort of bittersweet. I still think of you often but for the first time in 2 years I was able to breathe and not think of the pretty constant heartache that I live with. It has faded now to a very dull ache...sometimes I feel guilty for it baby girl. I feel guilty on the days when I start to live life normally again. I feel guilty on the days when I don't think of you at all (although those are few.) I want so badly for you to be here and I miss you so much but I know that you wouldn't want me to sit in one place and never move forward. I know that you are happy up there in Heaven. I know that you are with me whether or not I conciously think of you...I know that you will never leave my side and that you are my very own special guardian angel...And I know that I have a strength because of you and because of God that not everyone has. It takes a very special person to be able to handle being an angel parent.  Speaking of which, I joined a thing called 'Random Acts of Text Messaging'. It's to help encourage all the angel parents (seems like mostly mommas) over the holidays. I am growing very close to them very quickly. Thank you for that bond. I love to help people and since a lot of them are newer to the 'Angel world' and I have already done this for 3 Christmases I have felt like I'm making a difference. I thank God daily that I am able to encourage some of the others with my testimony and pray that it truly does make a difference...

Well, now for the hard part. I have to say goodnight. I am planning on making the best of the rest of my time with the family...we are going to a movie in the morning so I have to say goodnight. I have to get some sleep. It's nearly 2am. Momma will be so sleepy tomorrow morning...as you know I haven't been sleeping well again...Not sure what's going on. I even have been sleeping in Grammy Mimi's room so that I can get some sort of rest and so that I can get to her easily if I need her. So angel girl, Momma loves you...more than you will ever know. I  know you and all the other angel babies had a Rockin' birthday party up there in Heaven today for Jesus! I hope you all had fun. I'll write again soon...It's been too long... Until then...


The Wings of Mommy's Soul Fly With You!

           Kisses & Cuddles,
               Mommy


P.S. Happy 2 years and 3 months in Heaven. Fly high Angel girl!