Pre-Deployment - Letter #2

Dear Jamie, 

It's been three days since you left and you keep telling me that I'll get better at this and that I'll be okay eventually. At this point I feel like I'm going in the opposite direction. It's like you are my drug and I'm having withdrawals. I crave your kiss and your touch and your jokes and your love. I crave our silly arguments and our conversations that make no sense to anyone but us. I know that you believe in me so much and I thank you for that. I know that all of this will turn out just how it's meant to in the end. I know the ending I am hoping for but I also know that I have to accept that it may not be the ending I receive. So instead of focusing on what may or may not happen I am focusing on what we have right now. What we have is phone calls and internet and time to make jokes and tell stories and make a few more memories before you deploy. Unfortunately I'm feeling like I'm forcing myself on  you and am running out of things to say to you. Sometimes I just want to sit and remind you that I love you and other times I want to tell you about my uneventful day even though I know you probably have a lot more important things on your mind and would really rather I kept it to myself but these are the things I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss telling you about stupid things that happen and about my day even if nothing really big happened. I'm going to miss you talking to Jill on the phone when all she wants to do is cry. To be quite honest I'm just going to miss you in general. You have a very special place in my heart and I am very sad that you are going. I'm very sad that it will feel like part of my heart has been ripped out. However, I know that it will give me something to do. I will be able to write letters about babysitting, job hunting, my tattoo, the silly things Jill does, and so much more. While you're gone I will wonder if you miss me or think of me. I will wonder what you are doing and how you are feeling. I will be concerned and I will hope for some word from you eventually although I have already told myself that no matter how many letters I write or even send that I may go the entire time without a word from you and that I have to be okay with that and know that it doesn't mean that something's wrong. When I talk to you now I am running out of words. I'm running out of jokes and funny things to say.. sometimes the pain and feeling of loss that I am beginning to feel becomes so overwhelming that I can't think straight. I try to shake it off but the closer that the date gets to your deployment the more overwhelming it becomes. Jill can sense that I am upset and melancholy.. that I am beginning to question whether or not I am really going to be able to do this. But I want you to know that even on the most overwhelming day I know that I would rather deal with the difficult days and missing you and the many days to come that I will wonder if you are okay or if something has happened to you as hard as they may be than to remove you from my life and never talk to you again. I have considered all of my options in this situation and I feel that they only option for me is to deal with the pain and wondering and everything else that comes with being best friends and loving someone in the military one day at a time. I have plenty of support and plenty of strength to do this. I just have to keep my feet on the ground and know that I can overcome anything as long as I try. Before we regained our friendship I never would've said that I had enough strength to maintain a relationship of any sort with someone in the military and somehow you have helped me to learn to believe in myself and my dreams and I appreciate that so much. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I appreciate your friendship even when I probably don't deserve it and I appreciate that you don't just leave me alone even when I push you away so much. I appreciate that we stay on the phone for hours and sometimes we don't even stay on the phone and I appreciate that you are reading this stupid letter that probably doesn't make any sense. I will miss you and I will continue to crave the things that I am missing so much. I will continue to dream about you playing with Jill and having your arms around me and at some point I'm sure I will begin to crave the sound of your voice and beg my memory to let me hear it even if only for a moment but I want you to know that I will still be here no matter how difficult it is when you get back. I will patiently be waiting for you to wrap your arms around me again, to kiss me, and most of all I will patiently be waiting for your safe return. I know that you've heard all of these things before and that you are probably wondering if I will ever say anything different but you told me earlier that you didn't know what was bothering me but that you knew that it was serious whatever it was and this was the only way I knew how to explain it without feeling guilty. To be honest, I still feel guilty because the last thing I want is for you to feel bad about anything. I am so very proud of you and am just being selfish about it right now because I feel like I am losing my very best friend in the world and sometimes what seems like the only friend who has time for me. Also, sometimes I think that not talking or sharing things or being extremely reluctant to do so is my way of self - preservation because in some ways that is all coming to an end very very soon. I apologize if it hurts your feelings or if you feel like I'm being a bad friend or if sometimes it seems like I'm angry with you because that isn't the case at all. I should go though. I'm beginning to repeat myself and Jill is demanding my attention. Please remember that no matter where you are I love you and that I will always be here for you no matter what. Please remember that you mean the world to me and that I will always miss you when you are gone. 

Love Always, 

  Brittany 

Pre-Deployment - Letter #1

Dear Jamie, 

It has taken me what seems like forever to even sit down to start this letter. I've done such an amazing job at lying to myself about this deployment that sometimes I actually forgot that you were going to leave. At the same time, I've been preparing myself for this for months and yet somehow I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere and I'm no more prepared than I was the day you told me you would be leaving. I'm so proud of you. I wouldn't ever be able to do what you have signed up to do and yet the selfish part of me is so very sad that you are leaving.. I'm losing my best friend. I believe that you will return to me but I also know that it will be different. You will see things and hear things and probably do things that I will never know about nor would I understand. I try so hard to hold back the tears when you put your arms around me so that  I don't make you worry about me. I don't know what to say when you ask me what is wrong anymore. The closer that tomorrow gets the more difficult it is to pinpoint what I am feeling or what exactly is wrong which in turn makes it difficult for me to answer that question. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that tomorrow will be one of the most difficult days of my life. Watching you drive away from my house is always difficult but tomorrow I will know that you are leaving for more than just a few weeks or even months and that I will be unable to contact you whenever I want...You will be gone for at least 1/2 of a year and my heart knows it will feel like a lifetime. I will not be able to talk to you everyday like we do now, when I need someone then I will have to lean on my other friends, when I miss you I will have to think back to all of the memories that we've been making these past 2 weeks and all of the times that we have had together leading up to this. Those memories will have to be enough for me. At this point I don't even know if I will even be able to send you my letters that I am planning to write. I don't know if I will know if you are okay or if you aren't..For all that I know at this point my time with you tonight will be all that I am allowed until you return... But what I do know is that I love you and I am so beyond grateful that you are in my life and I will be right here when you get back waiting patiently for you. Even though it's difficult and heartwrenching that you are going, you are still more than I ever could've hoped for. Even though I don't feel ready for you to leave I would rather have to watch you go than not have you in my life at all. You are courageous. You are amazing and you don't even realize it most of the time. I am lucky to be able to call you my friend and I am lucky that you allow me to be a part of your life. It means more than you will ever know. You mean more to me than you will ever know. The times we've had.. the things we've done.. slow-dancing in the middle of the street to Green Day and you singing to me is one of those things that will pull me through on the darkest of days while you are gone. It's hard for me to believe that we aren't even dating and yet somehow I feel like you are taking my heart with you. Well.. You are taking my heart with you. I am very much in love with you. I don't know how it happened or when but it has happened and that's all I know. When you kiss me goodbye and you get into your car and you drive away tomorrow.. please know that you are taking my heart with you. Please know that I couldn't take it back if I wanted to and I am glad that I can't. Please know that no matter what happens I love you more than words can say and please know that I am okay with that. I wouldn't trust anyone else with my heart like I do knowing you have it. Somehow I know that you will never hurt me purposely and I know that you love me too. When we are together I feel like I could do anything and knowing that I have you coming back home to look forward to will help me hold on when I feel defeated and sad. I don't want  you to worry about me. I know that you do but you don't have to. I'm not alone by any means and I will make it through this. I know that you will as well. But now I'm not sure what else to say so I want you to remember the following...

1) I love you and will be right here waiting for you when you get back.

2) You are courageous and I am proud to call you my best friend. 

I'm not really sure how to end this letter but I know that I don't want to say goodbye. Goodbye seems too permanent and this is only temporary. So instead I'm going to say see you later. I'm going to remind you for the 7 millionth time that I love you and that I am going to miss you but will be right here when you get back and I am going to tell you to please not forget me and I'm going to tell you to please come home safely. The last thing I am going to ask you for is to please let me know where I can send letters or to at least have your mom let me know because I would like to send them to you while you're gone but even if you don't I will have tons of them for you when you get back. I promise to take good care of Jill too. She will miss her daddy as well but that's okay. She's been crying for you while I'm writing this. Silly kitten. (:  I will be counting the days until you come back and I can't wait to see you again. 

Love Always, 

   Brittany 

This is what I feel like....

It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. It feels like I can't do anything right. I know that no one in my life has said this to me but even still it is how I feel. I love someone that I can't have. I want to go back to 'normal,' whatever that means. I want to go back to the days that I could happily go through the day and know at the end that I did my best. I don't know how to get my point across or make anyone understand how I'm feeling or what I need from them. I don't know who to trust or who not to. I don't know anything anymore. I'm lost in a cloud of confusion. Someone please help me. I can't do this anymore.

Wow! 3 years already?!?

Dear Angelgirl,
   I have been avoiding this letter for a few days now. I didn't want to admit how I was feeling. You're birthday was absolutely beautiful. Aunt Glo and I went to the park. We took your things and went through them. It was fun to remember everything... where I bought certain things and to remember others who have thought of you along the way. She even made shirts and a cake. :) It was so cute. I love her so much. She has no idea what the day meant to me. I missed you but it wasn't as overwhelming as sometimes. Thanks for all the beautiful sunsets that you've been coloring for me. They've been so pretty to see.. It's kind of like you're coloring pictures for me but I can't put them on the refrigerator. I love them anyway though.

  Also, I want to tell you about someone I met. His name is Jamie. I actually knew him from school but we lost contact for awhile. He came to town a couple weeks ago and we reconnected and spent lots of time together. I think my feelings run a little deeper than they probably should but I can't help it. He made Grammy Mimi and Uncle Blake and Auntie Allie upset but he wasn't trying to. I love him Angelgirl. I can't help it. I wish I knew in high school that I would feel this way now. Who knows where we would be now... I've talked to him about this a few times but it doesn't seem to matter. Yet, for some reason I can't kick these feelings. He's in the Air Force and it complicates things but I think it would be worth it. These are things I can't tell just anyone though. People just don't get it. They don't want to see him the way I do. I think they're all too afraid to lose me again like they did with your daddy... but Jamie is different Angelgirl. He isn't like your daddy at all. Occasionally he says things that alot of people don't think are funny but he just has a different sense of humor. I get it most of the time and he's very receptive if I say something about how it isn't funny or that it hurts my feelings. He doesn't do it on purpose like Daddy did. Anyway Babygirl, I really love him and even if nothing ever comes of that then I will be forever grateful for the time I did have with him. <3

   Well, I should go Angelgirl. It's getting late but I didn't want to put off my letter to you anymore. I love you so much and miss you. Thanks for always being around when I need someone who will  just listen and not judge. I know you see things so clearly up there and I wish I could see things from your point of view sometimes. You know how everything will turn out. Can't wait to find out for myself.

We'll be together again someday Angelgirl.. but until then... The wings of Mommy's soul fly with you!


Kisses & Cuddles,
   Mommy

September is Coming..

Hey Angelgirl,

    Mommy misses you. I wish that you were here. Your cousin Jaycee turned 2 yesterday and it really has me thinking about you alot.  September is coming so soon and I'm never ready... I do better than I used to but I'm still not very good at it. I never know if anyone will remember. I never know if I'll make it through.. I just want you here. I know that I sound like a broken record but I do. I want to know what sort of funny things you would be saying and what sort of things you would be doing. I want to hear you tell me that love me and watch you sleep and dream big dreams for your future... but you aren't here and my dreams for you are pointless. I thought of packing away all your things for awhile... It's hard to look at them right now. I just don't know what else to do. Please help me angelgirl.

Kisses & Cuddles,
    Mommy

P.S. I'm sorry it's so short.. I'm tired and Jaycee is here and I just want to cuddle her... but she'll never be you... I'll write a longer letter soon... Love you Baby....

Dear Donna Rose -

Donna Rose,
  
   Hello again, Beautiful Angel. How are you? I was thinking of you and Serenity today and I told you that I would write again soon... So I am. :) I am keeping my niece, (I'm sure you've seen me with her.) Jaycee this weekend. I'm having a blast. Today we played at the splash pad and went to CiCi's Pizza. While we were at the splash pad I could definitely feel you and Serenity with me.. although your presence was amazing... it made me wish that I had Serenity with me and that you and your mommy and daddy were with us playing.. Seeing all those families is hard to take at times.. I think it was okay until people started commenting about 'how old is your little one?' and all those other things they ask when they see a woman with a child. I know you both are so happy up there.. and you're so perfect up there but we miss you here. And I was thinking that you should put in a good word for your mommy and daddy...not that you aren't already telling all your angel friends and God and everyone up there how proud you are that they are your parents... but they deserve their rainbow soon. They are ready... :) They told me I should move in and be their live-in nanny when they do. I think it would be fun. Your mommy and daddy are such wonderful people and they love you so much. I wish that I could give them a ticket to Heaven to visit you. If there ever was something like that I would be willing to give them my ticket instead of going to see Serenity because they would put it to good use I'm sure. <3 But until then you keep them safe okay? Keep a watch over them.. and tell Serenity I love her.

Yet again it's time for me to go, Beautiful Angel. But I'll be back soon I promise.

Remember, Your playgrounds are the Heavens but Mommy and Daddy's hearts are forever your cradle and they love and miss you very much.

Kisses & Cuddles,
   Auntie B


P.S. Would you please give Serenity a hug and tell her that her mommy misses her? Thanks sweet girl.

Happy Valentines Day in Heaven, Sweet Princess Serenity...

Dear Serenity,

     I know that I haven’t written to you much lately and I must say that I miss it dearly. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you about my day or about my plans for Valentine’s Day or what. I’m not sure how that got ruined. I always used to just let the words flow and then the next thing I knew I would have a letter written.  These days it seems that I have a more difficult time with that. I hope that you know that mommy still loves you very much. I think that part of it is that I have been dealing with so much lately and I don’t want to tell you about the sad things that I’m going through or anything less than cheerful…although I’m sure you know anyway… J

                As you know daddy is with someone new now. I tried to be her friend and I tried very hard to be daddy’s friend but it didn’t work out baby girl. I’m sorry. I know you understand but I still feel like I failed you somehow by not being successful with that. It just hurts too much and to many mistakes were made. Luckily you don’t have to experience heartache or pain like that where you are. I also want to say that just because Daddy and I aren’t talking anymore doesn’t mean that I will think of you any less or that he will. I gave him a bracelet that I had made with your name and birthday on it before we stopped speaking. I thought it would be what you wanted. Besides he’s still your daddy and he deserves to remember you in his own way. He did ask for one so I indulged. They are such beautiful bracelets angel girl. They turned out just how I imagined. I wish that we had you here instead of only being able to wear a bracelet with your name on it but I’m just glad I get to do something to remember you. I’m going to send your Auntie Lissie one…along with one that says ‘Aunt of an Angel’. I am glad we picked purple since the other ones we are ordering are white. J

 I have decided to order only those closest to me ones that say ‘Aunt of an Angel’.  So that means your Auntie Lissie, Auntie Allie, Auntie Katie, and of course Aunt Glo.  They have all 4 done so much for me angel girl. In their own ways they have all helped me and I would like for them to know how much they mean to the both of us…I know you sent each of them my way when it was time. Thank you for that baby girl. You and God have really been looking out for me up there and helping me to get just where I need to be. Maybe I’ll tell you a little bit about each of them next…

I think I’ll start with your Auntie Katie. I just recently got back into contact with her and that’s nice. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone on the nights I can’t sleep. She has always been able to relate to me pretty well and we were friends even before I was pregnant with you. She’s quiet and shy. She is always trying to help people. She lived with me for awhile but we sort of got into some arguments and decided maybe it was best that we didn’t talk for awhile. I’m so happy that she has decided to be around again though. I missed her silly jokes and I missed being able to talk to her about random things. I hope that things continue to go well with her and that perhaps we’ll even be good friends like before. She’s very special to me and unique. She helped me a lot when I first had you. She was there even on my worst days when no one knew what to say to me. She never told me that what I was feeling was stupid or that I should ‘get over it’. It’s nice to have a friend like that. I’m glad that she’s giving me another chance and forgiving me. Btw, She'll tell you differently but she's just as beautiful as she always was...inside and out.

Next is Auntie Lissie. She’s quite the character as well angel girl. As I’m sure you see from way up there. She is always saying silly things and although she lives in Australia we do make video calls on the computer. I met her in one of my support groups that I found on facebook. I love her so much though. Even when we first started talking it was like we had known each other forever. I am so glad that even though losing you was tragic that it could bring us together and bring me a friend who never judges me nor does she ignore me when I truly need her. Also she sends me things from Australia every now and then and that’s always exciting. She holds a very special place in my heart. We are planning for me to go to Inverell next summer. That will be lots of fun. I have to go see Esther and Ollie and Auntie Lissie and Uncle Graeme. They agreed I could stay there. It will be an opportunity of a lifetime. Thanks angel girl.

As for Auntie Allie I’m not sure where to start. She is a riot. Between Auntie Allie and your cousin Jaycee I am surprised I haven’t died laughing. I am positive you brought them to me because Jaycee was the first baby that I bonded to after I had you. She was the first child I even allowed myself to be around for any length of time. I was afraid that if I got too attached then I would forget you or replace you or something. Auntie Allie is there for me just like Auntie Lissie and Aunt Katie. She never forgets me and she always does anything she can to help. J She never lets me down. We just had a huge snow storm and I needed her and she dug her car out just for me. I told her she didn’t have to but she was insisting that if I needed her then she was coming to get me. I love that about her. I also love that she can make me laugh even when I wish that I could just curl up and join you. She doesn’t ever let me give up. She believes in me when I don’t have the strength to believe in myself anymore. She helps me get out of bed and when all else fails… there’s Jaycee. She is too young to understand how much she truly does for me but one day I hope that I will be able to show her.  When I need cuddles or someone to need me or someone to spoil… I have Jaycee. When she calls me ‘Auntie B’ it melts my heart … the only thing better would be if you could be here calling me mommy. I am so glad that I got back in contact with Auntie Allie. She loves you so much. It’s crazy. It’s almost like you had been here before you went to Heaven. She lets me talk about you and never changes the subject if I want to tell a pregnancy story or if I just need to talk about you. It takes a very special person for that. She’s not afraid to ask questions either. She told me the reason that God took you to Heaven was because he needed another mermaid for the Ocean of Heaven. I hope you’re having fun swimming all day angel girl because mommy misses you so much down here.

Last but not least is Aunt Glo. She is a friend that I met through facebook as well. I went to high school with her sister and then I started talking with her on facebook. She’s asked about you a lot and I’ve been able to share your story with her. She isn’t afraid to ask questions. I envy her quite a lot. She is beautiful on the inside and out. Her son Max is adorable. I haven’t gotten to know him all that well. I have definitely gotten really close to Aunt Glo in not that long of a time. She is always offering me dinner and to take me places and do things. I don’t mind but sometimes I feel like she thinks she owes it to me and she doesn’t. Her friendship and her respect and her love for her are more than enough. She doesn’t realize how much her kindness means to me. I had been debating on whether or not to offer her an ‘Aunt of an Angel’ bracelet but wasn’t sure that she would be interested. I try really hard not to make people feel like they have to have a bracelet or like it is necessary for them to feel an attachment to you in order to be a part of my life. Although they do have to respect that I am attached to you and still talk about you. So anyway, I was telling her that I was considering ordering a couple but that I wasn’t sure who would want them or if anyone even considered themselves your aunt. She told me that in time the people who deserved one or wanted one would reveal themselves and I told her that she was right. So then she began telling me how much you impacted her life because now when she sees a sunset or pictures of angels or freshly fallen snow that is still sparkling that she thinks of you. I told her how I was glad we could make a difference and I thought it was really neat how she talked about you like she knew you before you went to Heaven and how much that meant to me. I then asked her if she would be interested in one and she said of course she would and that I should know that. I told her that I consider her one of your aunts and she said that she did too but she was too embarrassed to tell me. I told her that was silly. I was thankful that she didn’t just assume that she had the right to tell me that she was one of your aunts though. It was very respectful and nice of her. J I love her so much.  She says she always imagines you being best friends with Max. That made me smile as well. People imagining you and remembering you is what keeps your memory going. I appreciate all the help that I can get. We are planning on dinner soon. She wants to take me out since I won’t let her pay for her bracelet. I told her it wasn’t necessary but she insisted. Thank you for bringing her into our family as well Angel girl. She is very special to me as well as the others. I hope she knows that.

Thank you for all that you do for me, Serenity. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. So many times I get disappointed because you aren’t in my dreams as often and I don’t feel you around me as much as I used to. It worries me that I’ll forget you or that maybe I’m not a good mother because I am forgetting little details now. I know that isn’t true or at least part of me does but I still wonder sometimes if I am doing an okay job at being an angel mommy or if I am messing it up completely. It’s so hard. However, on my hardest days and during my darkest hours I know that these 4 women are around for me to lean on when I don’t have enough strength anymore to help myself. I know that without them I would be in a totally different place in life right now and that it would probably be a decent place but it wouldn’t be the same without them.  I wouldn’t trade the places I have been or the things that I have lived through for anything in the world because I know that it would probably mean that these 4 wonderful women among others wouldn’t be in my life and that in itself would be tragic. Thank you again angel girl for bringing them into my life along with other angel moms and people who mean so much to me. I don’t know where I would be without the support system that we have created since you were born and I don’t want to find out.

Mommy loves you baby girl. I wouldn’t trade those 14 weeks together for anything. I have learned so much about who I am and the strength that I hold within myself since you were born. If you hadn’t have been born early then I might not know that about myself. I will not forget you and I am glad that I know that you are safe and being taken care of. Have fun in Heaven baby. I’ll be with you someday. Until then…

Happy Valentine’s Day in Heaven Angel Girl!

and please remember that the wings of my soul fly with you.

Kisses & Cuddles,

   Mommy

To My Angel

Dear Serenity,

    Oh momma is having a rough day today. I feel like everything is falling apart. I'm pretty sure that you already know that though. I'm pretty sure that you are with me while I go through this today. I can feel you. I just wish that it wasn't so hard. I guess my hormones are out of control once again.

Mommy misses you so much baby. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you and cuddle you and love you just like all the mommas who have babies that are here on Earth. I joined several groups lately. We chat and help each other through the rough times. I appreciate their help so much! Thank you for helping me find them.

I finally decided on a memorial tattoo as well. :) I'm going to get 3 forget-me-not flowers...they are going to be different colors than normal forget me nots though... 1 will be Sapphire blue for you baby girl...1 will be Peridot green for daddy..and then mommy's will be Ruby red. Then I'm going to get our initials on a petal of each flower..yours will be on the blue one, mommy's will be on the red one, and daddy's will be on the green one. It's supposed to represent our family even if you and me are the only ones left of it. I hope you like that idea...

I have to be honest with you.. I still miss your daddy. I miss him so much. But things can't ever be the same. Would you please help me to let go? I know that you would want me to be happy. I'm trying so hard but with my emotions all crazy and so much stuff going on its hard. I wish things were different but I need to quit wasting my time wishing and just let go.

We get a new baby in our classroom tomorrow. Her name is Lanie. She's walking. So that will be different. I'm so excited to get to know her like I know the other kids in the classroom. I think it will be a lot of fun. :)

I also got back in touch with  my old friend. Her name is Sarah. She asked about you the other day. :) And she didn't even change her mind about wanting to know when I said it was a long story. I'm so happy to have good friends Serenity. I am also happy that you are up there and I know that you have good friends too. Sorry that I'm rambling so much tonight. I don't know what all to say. You probably think that this letter is silly. I'm sorry angel girl.. Mommy's heart just isn't in it tonight.. I'm not sure why. I'll be a better mommy and write another letter soon. Maybe it will be better. I love you always..and remember..the wings of my soul fly with you...

Kisses & Cuddles,
    Mommy

Why Now?

Why did you have to apologize?

Why did you have to confess everything from the past now?

Why did you think it would help me to hear it?

Why now?

Why do you think that telling me that you loved me then and a part of you always will is going to make a difference?

Why do you think I care now that you have her?

Why don't you just leave me be and let my shattered heart have a chance to heal?

Why do you say you don't want me and then try to reel me back in?

Why now?

Here's the thing...I'm a survivor and I don't need you.

I've been dealing with things on my own for awhile now.

I haven't asked you for anything.  

Why do you think this will change so suddenly?

Why do you think that I will sit here and wait for something of the past and not move on?

Why do you want things to be different now?

Why are you asking to be my friend after you left so abruptly?

Why now?

Here's the thing...

I don't want you to answer any of these questions...These things no longer matter.

I can't hold on to the past anymore...I've held on for far too long.

I am finished waiting for you to change when I know you never will.

I am finished crying over all these hurts...I'm finally ready to truly heal.

I am tired of fighting for someone who doesn't fight for me.

I refuse to ask you for anything else.

I have made it this far so..

Why now?

Everyone has scars

Eveyone has scars that show where they have been. It's not just certain groups of people. We all have them. We all have a past that brings us to the present and will help take us to the future. Without the past and the scars on our souls and hearts we wouldn't mature. We wouldn't be able to help other people anymore and that would be a bigger tragedy.

People used to try and make me feel ashamed of my past or of things that have happened to me but I will no longer let them. God is using that to bring me to the person I am supposed to be. Sure, it was hard. I have things that I wonder if I might have changed if I had known the results but when I really think about it...I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't change it. I have become a better person because of it. Sure, sometimes I wish I hadn't made some mistakes that I did. Who doesn't? But life is a lesson and you learn by making choices..even if some of those choices end up not being so great.

Anyone who tells you that they don't have scars or that they don't have a past is probably lying or they haven't lived enough life to be able to have things like that. Everyone experiences life at a different pace. Some of us grow up way before our time, while others take their sweet time and life allows them this luxury. However, no one should be ashamed of whatever their pace is. God has a plan. We are chosen to live the life we are given because we are the only ones strong enough to go through the specific trials and troubles that we endure...Some of us may lose children...while others may endure something totally different..Both are equally painful but the one who lost the child may not be able to endure whatever it is the other person is going through nearly as well and vice versa.

My point is that we all will have scars in the end but they will tell a story. Our soul has a story to tell...So don't be ashamed of your past...don't be ashamed of anything you have done or haven't done. Know that you are loved. Know that there is a reason for everything and that it may or may not be changing someone else's life. Something that you go through might help one of your friends in the future...or it may just help you as you get older and life throws more at you...but either way you should never be ashamed because that's like apologizing for the person you are.

Just so you know...

DISCLAIMER: I am feeling a need to vent and I said everything on my mind. Sorry if it offends you that was not the intention.

Just so you know I meant what I said on my facebook post that night...every last word of it.

Just so you know I will make it and it will be no thanks to you.

Just so you know our daughter knows who really cares and who has been true to her memory and who is just using it to see how far they can get.

Just so you know you will never be able to replace her or forget her no matter how hard you try.

Just so you know you may have hurt me but you didn't break me...and you never will.

Just so you know I know I'm not perfect but I am proud of who I am.

Just so you know my heart is no longer shatters at the thought of you not wanting me.

Just so you know I'm finished making excuses and compromising myself for you and other people.

Just so you know I no longer care what you say or think.

Just so you know my true friends will always be around and will never turn their backs on me the way you did time and time again.

Just so you know I really did love you and would have done anything for you but it's too late now...I won't sit around and wait for you to change into the person you always promised that you would be anymore.

Just so you know you'll never be anything to her.

Just so you know I'm glad God has her and not you because now you'll never be able to hurt her the way you did me.

Just so you know I don't feel guilty for saying any of this because you needed to hear it.

Reality Lately

Have you ever felt completely alone even though reality is quite the contrary? Have you ever wished that you could sleep away the pain or the heartache? Have you ever been in such pain that you can't eat, sleep, or think? That's where I am right now and I'm not sure why. I know that a lot has gone on over the last month...thank goodness it's almost over...but I didn't think it was effecting me. I thought that I was doing fine. Then a couple of days ago I realized that I'm not okay. It's almost as if I've been in shock of some sort and about the time I started to feel like myself everything that's happened hit me all at once.

It was Serenity's 3rd Christmas this year. That went so well. Everything was fine. I laughed and had a good time and knew that my angel girl was with me the whole time. I did so well all day..sure the few days before I hadn't slept much and I didn't know why but that wasn't anything new. I've had trouble sleeping off and on since my daughter was born. So that chalks up to about 2 years and 3 months. I didn't think anything of it. I figured it was the normal holiday insomnia along with some of the other stress that had been added with her daddy and everything. But now I can't sleep at all...and if I do then I toss and turn continuously until morning. I am always sick to my stomach...especially if there is food anywhere near me. I could have hunger pains one moment and then the next moment I can't stand the smell of whatever it is that I'm trying to eat. The only other time I remember being like this is when I had Serenity. It was like I was a zombie. But even then sleep would eventually come...filled with dreams of everything that had happened but it would come...I would attempt to eat and usually succeed at first...this time is completely different. This time I just walk around in 'zombie state' and pray that no one notices. It's almost like I was drowning and fighting to stay above water and now I've reached the point where I just can't fight anymore and I'm slowly sinking to the bottom now.

I am grieving a loss I suppose. I've lost someone very close to me..at least in a certain way. He didn't die but neither of us were happy anymore and it was time to let go. We needed to go our separate ways and in time be able to be friends instead of dragging it out to the point of resentment towards one another. It's so strange though because I feel as if I'm going through the same stages of grief that I went through after Serenity's birth. It seems like grief would be different for a loss of a significant other and the loss of my child...but it isn't. I am just as deeply saddened by this situation as I was with Serenity. I think part of that comes from the fact that he was her father. I am now cutting one of the ties that I had to Serenity. The only other bond that was like mine to her. :( I will survive though. If I have learned anything over the last 2 years it is that I AM a survivor!

Also, I have joined a group for angel mommas and I think that helping those women is helping me heal but sometimes it's a little painful. Sometimes helping them forces me to relive things or deal with things that I hadn't dealt with in the past. Helping them means opening up about things that I felt or things that I didn't say or things that others said/did after Serenity's birth that may have effected me in ways that I wasn't willing to admit back then and sometimes it just simply means empathizing with them and that in turn causes me to open up my heart and remember things that I had long since shoved into a deep abyss in my heart. Now, some of the ladies that I am talking about will probably read this and I want to assure them that I by no means want them to stop calling or to hesistate when they need me because I am going to make it through this. They are helping me just as much as I am helping them. They are helping me to realize that it's okay that I still feel the pain sometimes and that I am only human, not superwoman and that they love me (along with my friends and family) just as much as they would if I wasn't an angel momma. These groups have been so much help for me...Thank you angel parents. We forever share a bond that can never be broken and I am so beyond blessed to know you all. So like I said please don't hesitate to contact me. That's what we are here for. To support and help each other through the raging seas of life. I love you all. :)

Well, I suppose I should quit rambling. I think I'm beginning to feel a little better now. I need to remember how cleansing that writing and letting out feelings can be. I have to remember that writing is almost like breathing to me and that I always feel at least a temporary wave of relief when I use my skill. I am so much better with words when I am writing or typing them than when I am speaking them. It always comes out just the way I want it to even if I have to erase or backspace a few times before it is the way that I want it to be.  However, I tend to overlook how much better it makes me feel when I am feeling any sort of emotion very deeply. I think that comes from fear of admitting reality as it is sometimes if that makes sense. As long as I don't say it or write about it then I can deny it. I've been working on that as well. Sometimes I do really well with accepting things as they are and at other times I fail epically. That's only natural. We all stumble at times but as long as we get back up and try again then it doesn't matter.

If any of you have any suggestions on how to deal with all these feelings or would like to share how you dealt with yours then that would be great. I am always up for tips or advice if anyone could offer me any.

I also want to say that I love all my friends (angel mommas or not) and family so much. I want to thank all of you for everything that you've done and for being a part of my life in 2010. I hope to see you all in 2011 as well. :) If there is anything I can ever do for any of you then don't hesitate to ask. I will always be willing to help in any way that I can.

Last but not least, I love you Serenity Hope Knight. I love you so much and I just wanted to remind you angel girl. I know you're flying high and watching over me and I am so proud to be your mommy. I wouldn't trade any of the time I had with you or your daddy for anything. I hope that you know that. I can't wait to hold you in my arms one day and kiss you and cuddle you. 
     Kisses & Cuddles,
              Mommy :)

Merry Christmas, Angel girl!

  Serenity,
    I know that you had an absolutely amazing Christmas. Mommy did too...But you already knew that didn't you? :) The only thing that could've made this day any  more perfect than it was is if you had been here. Your Great Grandma bought me the prettiest plaque with your name on it and it has candles in front of all the letters. It's absolutely gorgeous and she picked it just for you. I know that you and God worked on her heart so that she could accept you and help her to be able to buy that for me. Thank you. It made me so happy. Mommy also got another really great present...your Auntie Allie and Cousin Jaycee came home...I haven't seen them yet but I will soon...I'm hoping either tomorrow or Monday. I've missed them so much.  also got a gps system so that I don't get lost going places...I got clothes...which I love...and some jewelry and an e-reader!!! so excited!!!

  So you're daddy isn't going to be around me much anymore. He's with a new girl..I won't mention any names though because I don't know her well and that might be a little rude...not that I have anything bad to say about her.. I've talked to her a time or two...she seems sweet. I hope she treats him well. I always told him that all I wanted was for him to be happy. I mean it baby girl. He gave me you and that's so special but I don't want him to feel trapped either. I so badly want to be able to be friends with him but I have a feeling that isn't going to end up happening. I dont know how to just be friends with someone who I gave my heart to. Besides, I would rather let go and walk away now instead of dragging it out until we hate each other. I would rather have a really amazing memory than a shattered heart later on. Although, I don't know who I think I'm kidding...it's already shattered. I wanted so badly to make things work...I wanted so badly for him to be my forever ending..But you know what  I realized? God has something so great for both me and your daddy that we can't even begin to imagine what it is...and if we aren't supposed to be together then He has someone else better for the both of us...someone who He created just for us. That puts a smile on my face. But I still wouldn't trade the time I had with your daddy for anything. His new special someone is a very lucky lady...I wish them the best. Oh, and just in case you're wondering...I'm sure he still misses you...just perhaps a little differently but I'm sure he does...I know I do. Sometimes I think daddy deals with it better than mommy and that is part of the reason that he has to be with someone elseKeep your eye on him Angel girl. He still needs it. :) Shhh...don't tell him...it's our secret...Well, I guess not since I'm posting it here but that's okay..no one will tell. :p

I have held it together all day lovie. I have made sure to keep a smile on my face...a few times my mind even let me rest entirely and let you fly high where you belong. It was sort of bittersweet. I still think of you often but for the first time in 2 years I was able to breathe and not think of the pretty constant heartache that I live with. It has faded now to a very dull ache...sometimes I feel guilty for it baby girl. I feel guilty on the days when I start to live life normally again. I feel guilty on the days when I don't think of you at all (although those are few.) I want so badly for you to be here and I miss you so much but I know that you wouldn't want me to sit in one place and never move forward. I know that you are happy up there in Heaven. I know that you are with me whether or not I conciously think of you...I know that you will never leave my side and that you are my very own special guardian angel...And I know that I have a strength because of you and because of God that not everyone has. It takes a very special person to be able to handle being an angel parent.  Speaking of which, I joined a thing called 'Random Acts of Text Messaging'. It's to help encourage all the angel parents (seems like mostly mommas) over the holidays. I am growing very close to them very quickly. Thank you for that bond. I love to help people and since a lot of them are newer to the 'Angel world' and I have already done this for 3 Christmases I have felt like I'm making a difference. I thank God daily that I am able to encourage some of the others with my testimony and pray that it truly does make a difference...

Well, now for the hard part. I have to say goodnight. I am planning on making the best of the rest of my time with the family...we are going to a movie in the morning so I have to say goodnight. I have to get some sleep. It's nearly 2am. Momma will be so sleepy tomorrow morning...as you know I haven't been sleeping well again...Not sure what's going on. I even have been sleeping in Grammy Mimi's room so that I can get some sort of rest and so that I can get to her easily if I need her. So angel girl, Momma loves you...more than you will ever know. I  know you and all the other angel babies had a Rockin' birthday party up there in Heaven today for Jesus! I hope you all had fun. I'll write again soon...It's been too long... Until then...


The Wings of Mommy's Soul Fly With You!

           Kisses & Cuddles,
               Mommy


P.S. Happy 2 years and 3 months in Heaven. Fly high Angel girl!

Goodbye

Dear you know who you are,

   I just wanted to let you know that I truly do wish you the best. I hope you are happier with her than you ever were with me and that everything goes fantastically. I hope that she is everything that you are looking for, everything I couldn't be, and so much more. As strange as that sounds, it's true. I want you to be happy. I've told you that for so long now that I truly hope that you believe it. Is it hard to let you go? Yes. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Yes, of course. I thought you were going to be my one and only. Does my heart ache everytime I think about it? Yes, we had a bond that I have never shared with anyone else. That's to be expected. Do I want to be friends? Yes, but I'm scared.
 
   I remember a time when we were so happy together. Everything just seemed to fall into place when we were together. We were invincible as long as we were together. That's how love is supposed to be. I'll never forget how it felt when you would hold my hand, kiss me, or sometimes just look into my eyes. I so badly wanted it to last forever. I so badly wanted to marry you. Somewhere in my heart of hearts, I knew it would never happen. Too many things standing in the way. Too many excuses about why it wasn't a good time. I honestly believe that you loved me at some point. I also think that there was probably a time when we both thought it would last forever and that we would get married. Then after Serenity was born...things were different. We were still in love...or so I thought. But things had definitely changed. As I look back on it I wonder if we stayed together just so that we wouldn't lose everything all at once. I don't want to believe that but if I look at the situation honestly, then that's probably what the truth is.

After you moved and I started working...things changed again. You got too busy for me. You'd never call and when you did ...it was different. You stopped saying you loved me. You finally quit calling altogether. You disappeared for 3 months. I should've known then...and somewhere in my mind I did. But I couldn't let go...not yet. So then you reappeared and asked me to stay over with you one night and I did. It was a little awkward and yet again that red flag in my head waved saying "we are different. This isn't the old us. Someone should leave." Yet, neither one of us would admit it. Somehow, I could sense that something was wrong. You were with someone else...or you wanted to be. I wasn't sure which.

Even still, a week later when you said that it was officially over, I cried. I couldn't help it. I knew in my heart it had been over for a long time. I knew that once the phone calls had stopped coming and you disappeared that you would find someone else. I just never expected you to reappear before you did so. I never expected to get a chance to say goodbye. To be honest, I wish there hadn't been one. At least a part of me does. I wish you had just disappeared...faded out, never to return. But common sense says that I would've waited for you to come back. I asked if there was someone else and you said no. I knew you were lying but i didn't understand why. Throughout the entire 4 years that we were together I told you that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy whether it was with me or not. Yet, you still felt like you had to lie. I knew there was someone. I knew you too well to believe there wasn't. But I let it go. I thanked you for an amazing relationship and all the lessons that I learned, and of course in my heart I was also thanking you for the time with our daughter. 14 short weeks, yet that was one of the greatest things that you ever gave me. You'll probably never realize that. I needed her. She helped me to grow up. She helped me to learn that life isn't always about us. She helped me to go from a teenager to a young woman. Thank you for that.

When you made everything official you said that we could still be friends. At first I said that was fine but I've realized something. I 'm not sure that I can. I don't want to be stuck in the past which is where I'm afraid I'll be if you are around me. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to cause trouble for you. I will live with a heartache day after day that is almost unbearable. My heart jumps everytime I see your picture on facebook and my stomach begins to churn. I would love to say that we could be best friends but I don't want to say that and then realize that it won't happen. Will I always be bonded to you in a very special way? Yes, but I have to be careful to let go and not live in the memories instead of moving forward.  It's only fair. You were kind enough to let me go and I have to be kind enough to return the favor. I have to be kind enough to you to let you be with who makes you happy whether or not it hurts me right now and I have to be kind enough to myself to move on and wait for the guy that God has for me. Would I ever change the time we had together? No. Not only because of Serenity but because you taught me how to love someone more than myself. So, I want you to know that I love you. I will always remember and cherish the time that we had together and won't ever forget it. I want you to know that our time together will be some of the memories that I am most fond of as I grow older and definitely a story I will share with my children when they start asking about my past. I will always remember you and yet somehow, as time goes on I know that it will be less of a painful ordeal and more of a reminiscent moment.

I pray that you will find who you are meant for and that you will remember me as well. I pray that you will remember our daughter and the time that we had with her as something special. I pray that you hold her close to your heart even as I start to fade into the distance. I pray that God reveals his plans for you and begins to help you to pursue them. I pray that you know that I will never regret our time together because it was some of the best times of my life.

I thank you for everything you've done for me. I thank you for taking a chance on a girl like me. I thank you for giving me some of the best times of my life which will turn into the greatest stories. I thank you for our daughter. I thank you for loving me the way you did and teaching me lessons of life that I might not have learned otherwise.
I apologize for all of the things that I did wrong. I apologize for not being the greatest girlfriend ever. I apologize for acting childish sometimes even when I should've been able to handle it and act like a grown-up. I apologize for things not working out the way we had always planned, but hope you know that God has something so much better for you and for myself.

Love Always,
    Brittany Seree'
        AKA
     Snowflake

Well, Hello Stranger ~ Originally written on March 3, 2010

Serenity,
Mommy has missed you. I feel your presence tonight though. I feel you tugging on my heart and asking for my attention. I feel silly that I still feel your presence. It isn't as often as it was when you first grew your wings but I still feel you. I think maybe you have come because I am having so much anxiety lately. I love you. I know I haven't been thinking of you lately but Mommy does love you. I have been trying to help your Aunt Katie and I have been trying to get a life together for your future siblings and my future husband. I want so much to make a better life for us. I want you to look down on your mommy and know that I made it through this. That I didn't give up. I want to make you proud of me. I am glad you touched my heart tonight. It put a smile on my face that no one really knows why it is there. I needed you tonight. I hope that you will stay while I drift off to sleep. I love you baby. I hope that you remember that still. I am so glad you came to visit. Say hello to your friends and God for me. I will talk to you again soon. Sweet dreams.

~* Kisses & Cuddles *~

Mommy

I miss you sooo much ~ Originally Written on January 13, 2010

Serenity Hope,

I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm missing you so much. I don't understand why I seem so weak lately. I just wish that I could go back to where I was. I love you so much but I was strong in the fact that you are with me even though I can't see you. My spirit and heart are crushed. I feel like I did that morning...I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like I should've done something else for you. I know that they said you had Sirenomelia but I just...I wanted you so much. I know that I am young and that God has promised me other kids and I am satisfied with that. I am satisfied with the time I had with you even if God never gives me anymore children. I would never trade that time with you for any reason...I wouldn't trade my time with you for everything the world can give me. God gave you to me for a seasonand I am so glad he did even if it didn't end the way I thought it would. Granny MiMi says that I was the perfect mommy still because you didn't see any of the bad things the world shows us...I love you guppie...You changed me. Mommy still has trouble with other people having babies...one of your aunts is pregnant. I won't mention which one right now but I think that's why you are on my mind so much lately. She's been asking me lots of questions and as happy as it is to remember the good things...it's sad to know that she is probably going to experience things I didn't with you. I've also been feeling really guilty for not looking at you. I sometimes wish I had. But I still remember seeing you the night before...you were perfect with your hiccups and your kicking...people probably think i'm silly since it was just an ultrasound...but you were perfect...you were my angel. I bet you're beautiful up there in Heaven with your angel wings...I miss you baby. I'll write again soon. Maybe it'll be a happier letter next time. I love you. Daddy loves you too.



*Kisses & Cuddles*
Mommy

Dear Serenity ~ Originally Written August 13, 2009

Hey Princess!
Mommy misses you tonight. I miss you a lot lately. A lot of my friends are having babies right now and it's making me miss you. I'm gonna move to your Grandpa's house soon. I just need a change I think. Mommy just needs to start fresh. I wish that you were going to go with me. In a way I suppose you are. I also wish that I could see you right now. I wonder what you would look like and what you would be doing. I dream about you lately too. I dream about the day that you went to Heaven. It makes me feel sad when I wake up but I know that you aren't sad. You are safer there than you were with me. I will meet you someday but I wish it was right now. Daddy misses you too but he doesn't talk about it as much. I try not to talk about it now because it's been awhile and I know that people get tired of listening to me. I know that they don't understand unless they've been there. I am trying so hard to move on. I can see that I'm succeeding at times and failing epically at others. I just wanted to talk to you for a little while though. I wanted to remind you that mommy and daddy still love you. I have to go to sleep though. I still have lots to do before the big move.
I love you baby girl!

~Kisses & Cuddles~
Mommy

Rest in Peace Baby Girl - Originally written October 28th, 2008

Serenity,
I love you so much. I'm very sad that you had to leave me before you even got a chance to live but I hope that you are happy with your life in Heaven. I am so very sorry that I failed you as a mother because I was unable to save you. I just wish that it had been me and not you. I can't change that. I hope that someday I will be able to be with you again. I'll never forget the sound of your heartbeat or the way I felt when I saw you in the ultrasound the night before you were born. I hope that you knew how much I loved you. I still love you and I will always carry you in my heart. I am trying very hard to stay strong in case you have become my guardian angel but I need you to know that it's still very hard. I want you to be here with me and I still talk to you. I sometimes forget that you even left me here and think for just a second or two that you are still growing in my tummy. Those are the hardest moments. I know that you are healthy now and I know that you aren't suffering any pain now. I hope that you weren't suffering while you were growing. If you were I'm so sorry. I would have made it stop if there was a way for that to happen. I also want you to know that your daddy loved you too. We are having a hard time right now but no matter what we were going through we loved you. We always will. I hope that you feel peace. I will be with you someday. I love you baby girl! Rest in Peace.

Kisses & Cuddles
      Mommy

P.S. Watch over your daddy too please. He misses you.

Worst Enemies

And then sometimes you just have to tell your fears to stand aside and force yourself to do whatever it is that you dread doing the most. In times like these it doesn't matter whether you are afraid of the reaction you might recieve or if you know it won't change anything or even if you just flat out feel like an idiot. In times like these none of that matters because sometimes things just have to be said whether the other person likes hearing it or not. No if's, and's, or but's about it. The reason for this is because usually our biggest problems are caused by keeping these feelings inside. Our worst enemies are the words left unsaid all because we are too afraid to take a risk.

Is It Possible?

What's happening to me?
Why is my heart starting to dance?
What is causing this nonstop smile once again taking its rightful place?
What is it that is giving me a reason to believe once again?
Is it possible that something amazing could be on theother side of the horizon?

Is this happening to you too?
Is your heart dancing inside your chest like mine is?
Are you thinking thoughts and experiencing feelings that you weren't aware you had?
Are you starting to wonder if this is something that you could believe in?
Is it possible that we could give this another chance?

I'm thinking about telling you that I would be willing to take the risk if you are.
I'll give it my all if you will.
Is it possible you feel the same and you'll say yes?
Or is the reality that my heart is wasting this dance?