Friday, February 11, 2011

Happy Valentines Day in Heaven, Sweet Princess Serenity...

Dear Serenity,
     I know that I haven’t written to you much lately and I must say that I miss it dearly. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you about my day or about my plans for Valentine’s Day or what. I’m not sure how that got ruined. I always used to just let the words flow and then the next thing I knew I would have a letter written.  These days it seems that I have a more difficult time with that. I hope that you know that mommy still loves you very much. I think that part of it is that I have been dealing with so much lately and I don’t want to tell you about the sad things that I’m going through or anything less than cheerful…although I’m sure you know anyway… J
                As you know daddy is with someone new now. I tried to be her friend and I tried very hard to be daddy’s friend but it didn’t work out baby girl. I’m sorry. I know you understand but I still feel like I failed you somehow by not being successful with that. It just hurts too much and to many mistakes were made. Luckily you don’t have to experience heartache or pain like that where you are. I also want to say that just because Daddy and I aren’t talking anymore doesn’t mean that I will think of you any less or that he will. I gave him a bracelet that I had made with your name and birthday on it before we stopped speaking. I thought it would be what you wanted. Besides he’s still your daddy and he deserves to remember you in his own way. He did ask for one so I indulged. They are such beautiful bracelets angel girl. They turned out just how I imagined. I wish that we had you here instead of only being able to wear a bracelet with your name on it but I’m just glad I get to do something to remember you. I’m going to send your Auntie Lissie one…along with one that says ‘Aunt of an Angel’. I am glad we picked purple since the other ones we are ordering are white. J
 I have decided to order only those closest to me ones that say ‘Aunt of an Angel’.  So that means your Auntie Lissie, Auntie Allie, Auntie Katie, and of course Aunt Glo.  They have all 4 done so much for me angel girl. In their own ways they have all helped me and I would like for them to know how much they mean to the both of us…I know you sent each of them my way when it was time. Thank you for that baby girl. You and God have really been looking out for me up there and helping me to get just where I need to be. Maybe I’ll tell you a little bit about each of them next…
I think I’ll start with your Auntie Katie. I just recently got back into contact with her and that’s nice. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone on the nights I can’t sleep. She has always been able to relate to me pretty well and we were friends even before I was pregnant with you. She’s quiet and shy. She is always trying to help people. She lived with me for awhile but we sort of got into some arguments and decided maybe it was best that we didn’t talk for awhile. I’m so happy that she has decided to be around again though. I missed her silly jokes and I missed being able to talk to her about random things. I hope that things continue to go well with her and that perhaps we’ll even be good friends like before. She’s very special to me and unique. She helped me a lot when I first had you. She was there even on my worst days when no one knew what to say to me. She never told me that what I was feeling was stupid or that I should ‘get over it’. It’s nice to have a friend like that. I’m glad that she’s giving me another chance and forgiving me. Btw, She'll tell you differently but she's just as beautiful as she always was...inside and out.
Next is Auntie Lissie. She’s quite the character as well angel girl. As I’m sure you see from way up there. She is always saying silly things and although she lives in Australia we do make video calls on the computer. I met her in one of my support groups that I found on facebook. I love her so much though. Even when we first started talking it was like we had known each other forever. I am so glad that even though losing you was tragic that it could bring us together and bring me a friend who never judges me nor does she ignore me when I truly need her. Also she sends me things from Australia every now and then and that’s always exciting. She holds a very special place in my heart. We are planning for me to go to Inverell next summer. That will be lots of fun. I have to go see Esther and Ollie and Auntie Lissie and Uncle Graeme. They agreed I could stay there. It will be an opportunity of a lifetime. Thanks angel girl.
As for Auntie Allie I’m not sure where to start. She is a riot. Between Auntie Allie and your cousin Jaycee I am surprised I haven’t died laughing. I am positive you brought them to me because Jaycee was the first baby that I bonded to after I had you. She was the first child I even allowed myself to be around for any length of time. I was afraid that if I got too attached then I would forget you or replace you or something. Auntie Allie is there for me just like Auntie Lissie and Aunt Katie. She never forgets me and she always does anything she can to help. J She never lets me down. We just had a huge snow storm and I needed her and she dug her car out just for me. I told her she didn’t have to but she was insisting that if I needed her then she was coming to get me. I love that about her. I also love that she can make me laugh even when I wish that I could just curl up and join you. She doesn’t ever let me give up. She believes in me when I don’t have the strength to believe in myself anymore. She helps me get out of bed and when all else fails… there’s Jaycee. She is too young to understand how much she truly does for me but one day I hope that I will be able to show her.  When I need cuddles or someone to need me or someone to spoil… I have Jaycee. When she calls me ‘Auntie B’ it melts my heart … the only thing better would be if you could be here calling me mommy. I am so glad that I got back in contact with Auntie Allie. She loves you so much. It’s crazy. It’s almost like you had been here before you went to Heaven. She lets me talk about you and never changes the subject if I want to tell a pregnancy story or if I just need to talk about you. It takes a very special person for that. She’s not afraid to ask questions either. She told me the reason that God took you to Heaven was because he needed another mermaid for the Ocean of Heaven. I hope you’re having fun swimming all day angel girl because mommy misses you so much down here.
Last but not least is Aunt Glo. She is a friend that I met through facebook as well. I went to high school with her sister and then I started talking with her on facebook. She’s asked about you a lot and I’ve been able to share your story with her. She isn’t afraid to ask questions. I envy her quite a lot. She is beautiful on the inside and out. Her son Max is adorable. I haven’t gotten to know him all that well. I have definitely gotten really close to Aunt Glo in not that long of a time. She is always offering me dinner and to take me places and do things. I don’t mind but sometimes I feel like she thinks she owes it to me and she doesn’t. Her friendship and her respect and her love for her are more than enough. She doesn’t realize how much her kindness means to me. I had been debating on whether or not to offer her an ‘Aunt of an Angel’ bracelet but wasn’t sure that she would be interested. I try really hard not to make people feel like they have to have a bracelet or like it is necessary for them to feel an attachment to you in order to be a part of my life. Although they do have to respect that I am attached to you and still talk about you. So anyway, I was telling her that I was considering ordering a couple but that I wasn’t sure who would want them or if anyone even considered themselves your aunt. She told me that in time the people who deserved one or wanted one would reveal themselves and I told her that she was right. So then she began telling me how much you impacted her life because now when she sees a sunset or pictures of angels or freshly fallen snow that is still sparkling that she thinks of you. I told her how I was glad we could make a difference and I thought it was really neat how she talked about you like she knew you before you went to Heaven and how much that meant to me. I then asked her if she would be interested in one and she said of course she would and that I should know that. I told her that I consider her one of your aunts and she said that she did too but she was too embarrassed to tell me. I told her that was silly. I was thankful that she didn’t just assume that she had the right to tell me that she was one of your aunts though. It was very respectful and nice of her. J I love her so much.  She says she always imagines you being best friends with Max. That made me smile as well. People imagining you and remembering you is what keeps your memory going. I appreciate all the help that I can get. We are planning on dinner soon. She wants to take me out since I won’t let her pay for her bracelet. I told her it wasn’t necessary but she insisted. Thank you for bringing her into our family as well Angel girl. She is very special to me as well as the others. I hope she knows that.
Thank you for all that you do for me, Serenity. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. So many times I get disappointed because you aren’t in my dreams as often and I don’t feel you around me as much as I used to. It worries me that I’ll forget you or that maybe I’m not a good mother because I am forgetting little details now. I know that isn’t true or at least part of me does but I still wonder sometimes if I am doing an okay job at being an angel mommy or if I am messing it up completely. It’s so hard. However, on my hardest days and during my darkest hours I know that these 4 women are around for me to lean on when I don’t have enough strength anymore to help myself. I know that without them I would be in a totally different place in life right now and that it would probably be a decent place but it wouldn’t be the same without them.  I wouldn’t trade the places I have been or the things that I have lived through for anything in the world because I know that it would probably mean that these 4 wonderful women among others wouldn’t be in my life and that in itself would be tragic. Thank you again angel girl for bringing them into my life along with other angel moms and people who mean so much to me. I don’t know where I would be without the support system that we have created since you were born and I don’t want to find out.
Mommy loves you baby girl. I wouldn’t trade those 14 weeks together for anything. I have learned so much about who I am and the strength that I hold within myself since you were born. If you hadn’t have been born early then I might not know that about myself. I will not forget you and I am glad that I know that you are safe and being taken care of. Have fun in Heaven baby. I’ll be with you someday. Until then…

Happy Valentine’s Day in Heaven Angel Girl!

and please remember that the wings of my soul fly with you.
Kisses & Cuddles,