Monday, April 2, 2012

Pre-Deployment - Letter #2

Dear Jamie, 

It's been three days since you left and you keep telling me that I'll get better at this and that I'll be okay eventually. At this point I feel like I'm going in the opposite direction. It's like you are my drug and I'm having withdrawals. I crave your kiss and your touch and your jokes and your love. I crave our silly arguments and our conversations that make no sense to anyone but us. I know that you believe in me so much and I thank you for that. I know that all of this will turn out just how it's meant to in the end. I know the ending I am hoping for but I also know that I have to accept that it may not be the ending I receive. So instead of focusing on what may or may not happen I am focusing on what we have right now. What we have is phone calls and internet and time to make jokes and tell stories and make a few more memories before you deploy. Unfortunately I'm feeling like I'm forcing myself on  you and am running out of things to say to you. Sometimes I just want to sit and remind you that I love you and other times I want to tell you about my uneventful day even though I know you probably have a lot more important things on your mind and would really rather I kept it to myself but these are the things I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss telling you about stupid things that happen and about my day even if nothing really big happened. I'm going to miss you talking to Jill on the phone when all she wants to do is cry. To be quite honest I'm just going to miss you in general. You have a very special place in my heart and I am very sad that you are going. I'm very sad that it will feel like part of my heart has been ripped out. However, I know that it will give me something to do. I will be able to write letters about babysitting, job hunting, my tattoo, the silly things Jill does, and so much more. While you're gone I will wonder if you miss me or think of me. I will wonder what you are doing and how you are feeling. I will be concerned and I will hope for some word from you eventually although I have already told myself that no matter how many letters I write or even send that I may go the entire time without a word from you and that I have to be okay with that and know that it doesn't mean that something's wrong. When I talk to you now I am running out of words. I'm running out of jokes and funny things to say.. sometimes the pain and feeling of loss that I am beginning to feel becomes so overwhelming that I can't think straight. I try to shake it off but the closer that the date gets to your deployment the more overwhelming it becomes. Jill can sense that I am upset and melancholy.. that I am beginning to question whether or not I am really going to be able to do this. But I want you to know that even on the most overwhelming day I know that I would rather deal with the difficult days and missing you and the many days to come that I will wonder if you are okay or if something has happened to you as hard as they may be than to remove you from my life and never talk to you again. I have considered all of my options in this situation and I feel that they only option for me is to deal with the pain and wondering and everything else that comes with being best friends and loving someone in the military one day at a time. I have plenty of support and plenty of strength to do this. I just have to keep my feet on the ground and know that I can overcome anything as long as I try. Before we regained our friendship I never would've said that I had enough strength to maintain a relationship of any sort with someone in the military and somehow you have helped me to learn to believe in myself and my dreams and I appreciate that so much. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I appreciate your friendship even when I probably don't deserve it and I appreciate that you don't just leave me alone even when I push you away so much. I appreciate that we stay on the phone for hours and sometimes we don't even stay on the phone and I appreciate that you are reading this stupid letter that probably doesn't make any sense. I will miss you and I will continue to crave the things that I am missing so much. I will continue to dream about you playing with Jill and having your arms around me and at some point I'm sure I will begin to crave the sound of your voice and beg my memory to let me hear it even if only for a moment but I want you to know that I will still be here no matter how difficult it is when you get back. I will patiently be waiting for you to wrap your arms around me again, to kiss me, and most of all I will patiently be waiting for your safe return. I know that you've heard all of these things before and that you are probably wondering if I will ever say anything different but you told me earlier that you didn't know what was bothering me but that you knew that it was serious whatever it was and this was the only way I knew how to explain it without feeling guilty. To be honest, I still feel guilty because the last thing I want is for you to feel bad about anything. I am so very proud of you and am just being selfish about it right now because I feel like I am losing my very best friend in the world and sometimes what seems like the only friend who has time for me. Also, sometimes I think that not talking or sharing things or being extremely reluctant to do so is my way of self - preservation because in some ways that is all coming to an end very very soon. I apologize if it hurts your feelings or if you feel like I'm being a bad friend or if sometimes it seems like I'm angry with you because that isn't the case at all. I should go though. I'm beginning to repeat myself and Jill is demanding my attention. Please remember that no matter where you are I love you and that I will always be here for you no matter what. Please remember that you mean the world to me and that I will always miss you when you are gone. 

Love Always, 
  Brittany 

Pre-Deployment - Letter #1

Dear Jamie, 

It has taken me what seems like forever to even sit down to start this letter. I've done such an amazing job at lying to myself about this deployment that sometimes I actually forgot that you were going to leave. At the same time, I've been preparing myself for this for months and yet somehow I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere and I'm no more prepared than I was the day you told me you would be leaving. I'm so proud of you. I wouldn't ever be able to do what you have signed up to do and yet the selfish part of me is so very sad that you are leaving.. I'm losing my best friend. I believe that you will return to me but I also know that it will be different. You will see things and hear things and probably do things that I will never know about nor would I understand. I try so hard to hold back the tears when you put your arms around me so that  I don't make you worry about me. I don't know what to say when you ask me what is wrong anymore. The closer that tomorrow gets the more difficult it is to pinpoint what I am feeling or what exactly is wrong which in turn makes it difficult for me to answer that question. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that tomorrow will be one of the most difficult days of my life. Watching you drive away from my house is always difficult but tomorrow I will know that you are leaving for more than just a few weeks or even months and that I will be unable to contact you whenever I want...You will be gone for at least 1/2 of a year and my heart knows it will feel like a lifetime. I will not be able to talk to you everyday like we do now, when I need someone then I will have to lean on my other friends, when I miss you I will have to think back to all of the memories that we've been making these past 2 weeks and all of the times that we have had together leading up to this. Those memories will have to be enough for me. At this point I don't even know if I will even be able to send you my letters that I am planning to write. I don't know if I will know if you are okay or if you aren't..For all that I know at this point my time with you tonight will be all that I am allowed until you return... But what I do know is that I love you and I am so beyond grateful that you are in my life and I will be right here when you get back waiting patiently for you. Even though it's difficult and heartwrenching that you are going, you are still more than I ever could've hoped for. Even though I don't feel ready for you to leave I would rather have to watch you go than not have you in my life at all. You are courageous. You are amazing and you don't even realize it most of the time. I am lucky to be able to call you my friend and I am lucky that you allow me to be a part of your life. It means more than you will ever know. You mean more to me than you will ever know. The times we've had.. the things we've done.. slow-dancing in the middle of the street to Green Day and you singing to me is one of those things that will pull me through on the darkest of days while you are gone. It's hard for me to believe that we aren't even dating and yet somehow I feel like you are taking my heart with you. Well.. You are taking my heart with you. I am very much in love with you. I don't know how it happened or when but it has happened and that's all I know. When you kiss me goodbye and you get into your car and you drive away tomorrow.. please know that you are taking my heart with you. Please know that I couldn't take it back if I wanted to and I am glad that I can't. Please know that no matter what happens I love you more than words can say and please know that I am okay with that. I wouldn't trust anyone else with my heart like I do knowing you have it. Somehow I know that you will never hurt me purposely and I know that you love me too. When we are together I feel like I could do anything and knowing that I have you coming back home to look forward to will help me hold on when I feel defeated and sad. I don't want  you to worry about me. I know that you do but you don't have to. I'm not alone by any means and I will make it through this. I know that you will as well. But now I'm not sure what else to say so I want you to remember the following...

1) I love you and will be right here waiting for you when you get back.

2) You are courageous and I am proud to call you my best friend. 

I'm not really sure how to end this letter but I know that I don't want to say goodbye. Goodbye seems too permanent and this is only temporary. So instead I'm going to say see you later. I'm going to remind you for the 7 millionth time that I love you and that I am going to miss you but will be right here when you get back and I am going to tell you to please not forget me and I'm going to tell you to please come home safely. The last thing I am going to ask you for is to please let me know where I can send letters or to at least have your mom let me know because I would like to send them to you while you're gone but even if you don't I will have tons of them for you when you get back. I promise to take good care of Jill too. She will miss her daddy as well but that's okay. She's been crying for you while I'm writing this. Silly kitten. (:  I will be counting the days until you come back and I can't wait to see you again. 

Love Always, 
   Brittany 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

This is what I feel like....

It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. It feels like I can't do anything right. I know that no one in my life has said this to me but even still it is how I feel. I love someone that I can't have. I want to go back to 'normal,' whatever that means. I want to go back to the days that I could happily go through the day and know at the end that I did my best. I don't know how to get my point across or make anyone understand how I'm feeling or what I need from them. I don't know who to trust or who not to. I don't know anything anymore. I'm lost in a cloud of confusion. Someone please help me. I can't do this anymore.