Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Reality Lately

Have you ever felt completely alone even though reality is quite the contrary? Have you ever wished that you could sleep away the pain or the heartache? Have you ever been in such pain that you can't eat, sleep, or think? That's where I am right now and I'm not sure why. I know that a lot has gone on over the last month...thank goodness it's almost over...but I didn't think it was effecting me. I thought that I was doing fine. Then a couple of days ago I realized that I'm not okay. It's almost as if I've been in shock of some sort and about the time I started to feel like myself everything that's happened hit me all at once.

It was Serenity's 3rd Christmas this year. That went so well. Everything was fine. I laughed and had a good time and knew that my angel girl was with me the whole time. I did so well all day..sure the few days before I hadn't slept much and I didn't know why but that wasn't anything new. I've had trouble sleeping off and on since my daughter was born. So that chalks up to about 2 years and 3 months. I didn't think anything of it. I figured it was the normal holiday insomnia along with some of the other stress that had been added with her daddy and everything. But now I can't sleep at all...and if I do then I toss and turn continuously until morning. I am always sick to my stomach...especially if there is food anywhere near me. I could have hunger pains one moment and then the next moment I can't stand the smell of whatever it is that I'm trying to eat. The only other time I remember being like this is when I had Serenity. It was like I was a zombie. But even then sleep would eventually come...filled with dreams of everything that had happened but it would come...I would attempt to eat and usually succeed at first...this time is completely different. This time I just walk around in 'zombie state' and pray that no one notices. It's almost like I was drowning and fighting to stay above water and now I've reached the point where I just can't fight anymore and I'm slowly sinking to the bottom now.

I am grieving a loss I suppose. I've lost someone very close to me..at least in a certain way. He didn't die but neither of us were happy anymore and it was time to let go. We needed to go our separate ways and in time be able to be friends instead of dragging it out to the point of resentment towards one another. It's so strange though because I feel as if I'm going through the same stages of grief that I went through after Serenity's birth. It seems like grief would be different for a loss of a significant other and the loss of my child...but it isn't. I am just as deeply saddened by this situation as I was with Serenity. I think part of that comes from the fact that he was her father. I am now cutting one of the ties that I had to Serenity. The only other bond that was like mine to her. :( I will survive though. If I have learned anything over the last 2 years it is that I AM a survivor!

Also, I have joined a group for angel mommas and I think that helping those women is helping me heal but sometimes it's a little painful. Sometimes helping them forces me to relive things or deal with things that I hadn't dealt with in the past. Helping them means opening up about things that I felt or things that I didn't say or things that others said/did after Serenity's birth that may have effected me in ways that I wasn't willing to admit back then and sometimes it just simply means empathizing with them and that in turn causes me to open up my heart and remember things that I had long since shoved into a deep abyss in my heart. Now, some of the ladies that I am talking about will probably read this and I want to assure them that I by no means want them to stop calling or to hesistate when they need me because I am going to make it through this. They are helping me just as much as I am helping them. They are helping me to realize that it's okay that I still feel the pain sometimes and that I am only human, not superwoman and that they love me (along with my friends and family) just as much as they would if I wasn't an angel momma. These groups have been so much help for me...Thank you angel parents. We forever share a bond that can never be broken and I am so beyond blessed to know you all. So like I said please don't hesitate to contact me. That's what we are here for. To support and help each other through the raging seas of life. I love you all. :)

Well, I suppose I should quit rambling. I think I'm beginning to feel a little better now. I need to remember how cleansing that writing and letting out feelings can be. I have to remember that writing is almost like breathing to me and that I always feel at least a temporary wave of relief when I use my skill. I am so much better with words when I am writing or typing them than when I am speaking them. It always comes out just the way I want it to even if I have to erase or backspace a few times before it is the way that I want it to be.  However, I tend to overlook how much better it makes me feel when I am feeling any sort of emotion very deeply. I think that comes from fear of admitting reality as it is sometimes if that makes sense. As long as I don't say it or write about it then I can deny it. I've been working on that as well. Sometimes I do really well with accepting things as they are and at other times I fail epically. That's only natural. We all stumble at times but as long as we get back up and try again then it doesn't matter.

If any of you have any suggestions on how to deal with all these feelings or would like to share how you dealt with yours then that would be great. I am always up for tips or advice if anyone could offer me any.

I also want to say that I love all my friends (angel mommas or not) and family so much. I want to thank all of you for everything that you've done and for being a part of my life in 2010. I hope to see you all in 2011 as well. :) If there is anything I can ever do for any of you then don't hesitate to ask. I will always be willing to help in any way that I can.

Last but not least, I love you Serenity Hope Knight. I love you so much and I just wanted to remind you angel girl. I know you're flying high and watching over me and I am so proud to be your mommy. I wouldn't trade any of the time I had with you or your daddy for anything. I hope that you know that. I can't wait to hold you in my arms one day and kiss you and cuddle you. 
     Kisses & Cuddles,
              Mommy :)

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas, Angel girl!

    I know that you had an absolutely amazing Christmas. Mommy did too...But you already knew that didn't you? :) The only thing that could've made this day any  more perfect than it was is if you had been here. Your Great Grandma bought me the prettiest plaque with your name on it and it has candles in front of all the letters. It's absolutely gorgeous and she picked it just for you. I know that you and God worked on her heart so that she could accept you and help her to be able to buy that for me. Thank you. It made me so happy. Mommy also got another really great present...your Auntie Allie and Cousin Jaycee came home...I haven't seen them yet but I will soon...I'm hoping either tomorrow or Monday. I've missed them so much.  also got a gps system so that I don't get lost going places...I got clothes...which I love...and some jewelry and an e-reader!!! so excited!!!

  So you're daddy isn't going to be around me much anymore. He's with a new girl..I won't mention any names though because I don't know her well and that might be a little rude...not that I have anything bad to say about her.. I've talked to her a time or two...she seems sweet. I hope she treats him well. I always told him that all I wanted was for him to be happy. I mean it baby girl. He gave me you and that's so special but I don't want him to feel trapped either. I so badly want to be able to be friends with him but I have a feeling that isn't going to end up happening. I dont know how to just be friends with someone who I gave my heart to. Besides, I would rather let go and walk away now instead of dragging it out until we hate each other. I would rather have a really amazing memory than a shattered heart later on. Although, I don't know who I think I'm kidding...it's already shattered. I wanted so badly to make things work...I wanted so badly for him to be my forever ending..But you know what  I realized? God has something so great for both me and your daddy that we can't even begin to imagine what it is...and if we aren't supposed to be together then He has someone else better for the both of us...someone who He created just for us. That puts a smile on my face. But I still wouldn't trade the time I had with your daddy for anything. His new special someone is a very lucky lady...I wish them the best. Oh, and just in case you're wondering...I'm sure he still misses you...just perhaps a little differently but I'm sure he does...I know I do. Sometimes I think daddy deals with it better than mommy and that is part of the reason that he has to be with someone elseKeep your eye on him Angel girl. He still needs it. :) Shhh...don't tell him...it's our secret...Well, I guess not since I'm posting it here but that's okay..no one will tell. :p

I have held it together all day lovie. I have made sure to keep a smile on my face...a few times my mind even let me rest entirely and let you fly high where you belong. It was sort of bittersweet. I still think of you often but for the first time in 2 years I was able to breathe and not think of the pretty constant heartache that I live with. It has faded now to a very dull ache...sometimes I feel guilty for it baby girl. I feel guilty on the days when I start to live life normally again. I feel guilty on the days when I don't think of you at all (although those are few.) I want so badly for you to be here and I miss you so much but I know that you wouldn't want me to sit in one place and never move forward. I know that you are happy up there in Heaven. I know that you are with me whether or not I conciously think of you...I know that you will never leave my side and that you are my very own special guardian angel...And I know that I have a strength because of you and because of God that not everyone has. It takes a very special person to be able to handle being an angel parent.  Speaking of which, I joined a thing called 'Random Acts of Text Messaging'. It's to help encourage all the angel parents (seems like mostly mommas) over the holidays. I am growing very close to them very quickly. Thank you for that bond. I love to help people and since a lot of them are newer to the 'Angel world' and I have already done this for 3 Christmases I have felt like I'm making a difference. I thank God daily that I am able to encourage some of the others with my testimony and pray that it truly does make a difference...

Well, now for the hard part. I have to say goodnight. I am planning on making the best of the rest of my time with the family...we are going to a movie in the morning so I have to say goodnight. I have to get some sleep. It's nearly 2am. Momma will be so sleepy tomorrow morning...as you know I haven't been sleeping well again...Not sure what's going on. I even have been sleeping in Grammy Mimi's room so that I can get some sort of rest and so that I can get to her easily if I need her. So angel girl, Momma loves you...more than you will ever know. I  know you and all the other angel babies had a Rockin' birthday party up there in Heaven today for Jesus! I hope you all had fun. I'll write again soon...It's been too long... Until then...

The Wings of Mommy's Soul Fly With You!

           Kisses & Cuddles,

P.S. Happy 2 years and 3 months in Heaven. Fly high Angel girl!

Monday, December 20, 2010


Dear you know who you are,

   I just wanted to let you know that I truly do wish you the best. I hope you are happier with her than you ever were with me and that everything goes fantastically. I hope that she is everything that you are looking for, everything I couldn't be, and so much more. As strange as that sounds, it's true. I want you to be happy. I've told you that for so long now that I truly hope that you believe it. Is it hard to let you go? Yes. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Yes, of course. I thought you were going to be my one and only. Does my heart ache everytime I think about it? Yes, we had a bond that I have never shared with anyone else. That's to be expected. Do I want to be friends? Yes, but I'm scared.
   I remember a time when we were so happy together. Everything just seemed to fall into place when we were together. We were invincible as long as we were together. That's how love is supposed to be. I'll never forget how it felt when you would hold my hand, kiss me, or sometimes just look into my eyes. I so badly wanted it to last forever. I so badly wanted to marry you. Somewhere in my heart of hearts, I knew it would never happen. Too many things standing in the way. Too many excuses about why it wasn't a good time. I honestly believe that you loved me at some point. I also think that there was probably a time when we both thought it would last forever and that we would get married. Then after Serenity was born...things were different. We were still in love...or so I thought. But things had definitely changed. As I look back on it I wonder if we stayed together just so that we wouldn't lose everything all at once. I don't want to believe that but if I look at the situation honestly, then that's probably what the truth is.

After you moved and I started working...things changed again. You got too busy for me. You'd never call and when you did ...it was different. You stopped saying you loved me. You finally quit calling altogether. You disappeared for 3 months. I should've known then...and somewhere in my mind I did. But I couldn't let go...not yet. So then you reappeared and asked me to stay over with you one night and I did. It was a little awkward and yet again that red flag in my head waved saying "we are different. This isn't the old us. Someone should leave." Yet, neither one of us would admit it. Somehow, I could sense that something was wrong. You were with someone else...or you wanted to be. I wasn't sure which.

Even still, a week later when you said that it was officially over, I cried. I couldn't help it. I knew in my heart it had been over for a long time. I knew that once the phone calls had stopped coming and you disappeared that you would find someone else. I just never expected you to reappear before you did so. I never expected to get a chance to say goodbye. To be honest, I wish there hadn't been one. At least a part of me does. I wish you had just disappeared...faded out, never to return. But common sense says that I would've waited for you to come back. I asked if there was someone else and you said no. I knew you were lying but i didn't understand why. Throughout the entire 4 years that we were together I told you that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy whether it was with me or not. Yet, you still felt like you had to lie. I knew there was someone. I knew you too well to believe there wasn't. But I let it go. I thanked you for an amazing relationship and all the lessons that I learned, and of course in my heart I was also thanking you for the time with our daughter. 14 short weeks, yet that was one of the greatest things that you ever gave me. You'll probably never realize that. I needed her. She helped me to grow up. She helped me to learn that life isn't always about us. She helped me to go from a teenager to a young woman. Thank you for that.

When you made everything official you said that we could still be friends. At first I said that was fine but I've realized something. I 'm not sure that I can. I don't want to be stuck in the past which is where I'm afraid I'll be if you are around me. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to cause trouble for you. I will live with a heartache day after day that is almost unbearable. My heart jumps everytime I see your picture on facebook and my stomach begins to churn. I would love to say that we could be best friends but I don't want to say that and then realize that it won't happen. Will I always be bonded to you in a very special way? Yes, but I have to be careful to let go and not live in the memories instead of moving forward.  It's only fair. You were kind enough to let me go and I have to be kind enough to return the favor. I have to be kind enough to you to let you be with who makes you happy whether or not it hurts me right now and I have to be kind enough to myself to move on and wait for the guy that God has for me. Would I ever change the time we had together? No. Not only because of Serenity but because you taught me how to love someone more than myself. So, I want you to know that I love you. I will always remember and cherish the time that we had together and won't ever forget it. I want you to know that our time together will be some of the memories that I am most fond of as I grow older and definitely a story I will share with my children when they start asking about my past. I will always remember you and yet somehow, as time goes on I know that it will be less of a painful ordeal and more of a reminiscent moment.

I pray that you will find who you are meant for and that you will remember me as well. I pray that you will remember our daughter and the time that we had with her as something special. I pray that you hold her close to your heart even as I start to fade into the distance. I pray that God reveals his plans for you and begins to help you to pursue them. I pray that you know that I will never regret our time together because it was some of the best times of my life.

I thank you for everything you've done for me. I thank you for taking a chance on a girl like me. I thank you for giving me some of the best times of my life which will turn into the greatest stories. I thank you for our daughter. I thank you for loving me the way you did and teaching me lessons of life that I might not have learned otherwise.
I apologize for all of the things that I did wrong. I apologize for not being the greatest girlfriend ever. I apologize for acting childish sometimes even when I should've been able to handle it and act like a grown-up. I apologize for things not working out the way we had always planned, but hope you know that God has something so much better for you and for myself.

Love Always,
    Brittany Seree'