Monday, April 2, 2012

Pre-Deployment - Letter #2

Dear Jamie, 

It's been three days since you left and you keep telling me that I'll get better at this and that I'll be okay eventually. At this point I feel like I'm going in the opposite direction. It's like you are my drug and I'm having withdrawals. I crave your kiss and your touch and your jokes and your love. I crave our silly arguments and our conversations that make no sense to anyone but us. I know that you believe in me so much and I thank you for that. I know that all of this will turn out just how it's meant to in the end. I know the ending I am hoping for but I also know that I have to accept that it may not be the ending I receive. So instead of focusing on what may or may not happen I am focusing on what we have right now. What we have is phone calls and internet and time to make jokes and tell stories and make a few more memories before you deploy. Unfortunately I'm feeling like I'm forcing myself on  you and am running out of things to say to you. Sometimes I just want to sit and remind you that I love you and other times I want to tell you about my uneventful day even though I know you probably have a lot more important things on your mind and would really rather I kept it to myself but these are the things I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss telling you about stupid things that happen and about my day even if nothing really big happened. I'm going to miss you talking to Jill on the phone when all she wants to do is cry. To be quite honest I'm just going to miss you in general. You have a very special place in my heart and I am very sad that you are going. I'm very sad that it will feel like part of my heart has been ripped out. However, I know that it will give me something to do. I will be able to write letters about babysitting, job hunting, my tattoo, the silly things Jill does, and so much more. While you're gone I will wonder if you miss me or think of me. I will wonder what you are doing and how you are feeling. I will be concerned and I will hope for some word from you eventually although I have already told myself that no matter how many letters I write or even send that I may go the entire time without a word from you and that I have to be okay with that and know that it doesn't mean that something's wrong. When I talk to you now I am running out of words. I'm running out of jokes and funny things to say.. sometimes the pain and feeling of loss that I am beginning to feel becomes so overwhelming that I can't think straight. I try to shake it off but the closer that the date gets to your deployment the more overwhelming it becomes. Jill can sense that I am upset and melancholy.. that I am beginning to question whether or not I am really going to be able to do this. But I want you to know that even on the most overwhelming day I know that I would rather deal with the difficult days and missing you and the many days to come that I will wonder if you are okay or if something has happened to you as hard as they may be than to remove you from my life and never talk to you again. I have considered all of my options in this situation and I feel that they only option for me is to deal with the pain and wondering and everything else that comes with being best friends and loving someone in the military one day at a time. I have plenty of support and plenty of strength to do this. I just have to keep my feet on the ground and know that I can overcome anything as long as I try. Before we regained our friendship I never would've said that I had enough strength to maintain a relationship of any sort with someone in the military and somehow you have helped me to learn to believe in myself and my dreams and I appreciate that so much. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I appreciate your friendship even when I probably don't deserve it and I appreciate that you don't just leave me alone even when I push you away so much. I appreciate that we stay on the phone for hours and sometimes we don't even stay on the phone and I appreciate that you are reading this stupid letter that probably doesn't make any sense. I will miss you and I will continue to crave the things that I am missing so much. I will continue to dream about you playing with Jill and having your arms around me and at some point I'm sure I will begin to crave the sound of your voice and beg my memory to let me hear it even if only for a moment but I want you to know that I will still be here no matter how difficult it is when you get back. I will patiently be waiting for you to wrap your arms around me again, to kiss me, and most of all I will patiently be waiting for your safe return. I know that you've heard all of these things before and that you are probably wondering if I will ever say anything different but you told me earlier that you didn't know what was bothering me but that you knew that it was serious whatever it was and this was the only way I knew how to explain it without feeling guilty. To be honest, I still feel guilty because the last thing I want is for you to feel bad about anything. I am so very proud of you and am just being selfish about it right now because I feel like I am losing my very best friend in the world and sometimes what seems like the only friend who has time for me. Also, sometimes I think that not talking or sharing things or being extremely reluctant to do so is my way of self - preservation because in some ways that is all coming to an end very very soon. I apologize if it hurts your feelings or if you feel like I'm being a bad friend or if sometimes it seems like I'm angry with you because that isn't the case at all. I should go though. I'm beginning to repeat myself and Jill is demanding my attention. Please remember that no matter where you are I love you and that I will always be here for you no matter what. Please remember that you mean the world to me and that I will always miss you when you are gone. 

Love Always, 

Pre-Deployment - Letter #1

Dear Jamie, 

It has taken me what seems like forever to even sit down to start this letter. I've done such an amazing job at lying to myself about this deployment that sometimes I actually forgot that you were going to leave. At the same time, I've been preparing myself for this for months and yet somehow I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere and I'm no more prepared than I was the day you told me you would be leaving. I'm so proud of you. I wouldn't ever be able to do what you have signed up to do and yet the selfish part of me is so very sad that you are leaving.. I'm losing my best friend. I believe that you will return to me but I also know that it will be different. You will see things and hear things and probably do things that I will never know about nor would I understand. I try so hard to hold back the tears when you put your arms around me so that  I don't make you worry about me. I don't know what to say when you ask me what is wrong anymore. The closer that tomorrow gets the more difficult it is to pinpoint what I am feeling or what exactly is wrong which in turn makes it difficult for me to answer that question. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that tomorrow will be one of the most difficult days of my life. Watching you drive away from my house is always difficult but tomorrow I will know that you are leaving for more than just a few weeks or even months and that I will be unable to contact you whenever I want...You will be gone for at least 1/2 of a year and my heart knows it will feel like a lifetime. I will not be able to talk to you everyday like we do now, when I need someone then I will have to lean on my other friends, when I miss you I will have to think back to all of the memories that we've been making these past 2 weeks and all of the times that we have had together leading up to this. Those memories will have to be enough for me. At this point I don't even know if I will even be able to send you my letters that I am planning to write. I don't know if I will know if you are okay or if you aren't..For all that I know at this point my time with you tonight will be all that I am allowed until you return... But what I do know is that I love you and I am so beyond grateful that you are in my life and I will be right here when you get back waiting patiently for you. Even though it's difficult and heartwrenching that you are going, you are still more than I ever could've hoped for. Even though I don't feel ready for you to leave I would rather have to watch you go than not have you in my life at all. You are courageous. You are amazing and you don't even realize it most of the time. I am lucky to be able to call you my friend and I am lucky that you allow me to be a part of your life. It means more than you will ever know. You mean more to me than you will ever know. The times we've had.. the things we've done.. slow-dancing in the middle of the street to Green Day and you singing to me is one of those things that will pull me through on the darkest of days while you are gone. It's hard for me to believe that we aren't even dating and yet somehow I feel like you are taking my heart with you. Well.. You are taking my heart with you. I am very much in love with you. I don't know how it happened or when but it has happened and that's all I know. When you kiss me goodbye and you get into your car and you drive away tomorrow.. please know that you are taking my heart with you. Please know that I couldn't take it back if I wanted to and I am glad that I can't. Please know that no matter what happens I love you more than words can say and please know that I am okay with that. I wouldn't trust anyone else with my heart like I do knowing you have it. Somehow I know that you will never hurt me purposely and I know that you love me too. When we are together I feel like I could do anything and knowing that I have you coming back home to look forward to will help me hold on when I feel defeated and sad. I don't want  you to worry about me. I know that you do but you don't have to. I'm not alone by any means and I will make it through this. I know that you will as well. But now I'm not sure what else to say so I want you to remember the following...

1) I love you and will be right here waiting for you when you get back.

2) You are courageous and I am proud to call you my best friend. 

I'm not really sure how to end this letter but I know that I don't want to say goodbye. Goodbye seems too permanent and this is only temporary. So instead I'm going to say see you later. I'm going to remind you for the 7 millionth time that I love you and that I am going to miss you but will be right here when you get back and I am going to tell you to please not forget me and I'm going to tell you to please come home safely. The last thing I am going to ask you for is to please let me know where I can send letters or to at least have your mom let me know because I would like to send them to you while you're gone but even if you don't I will have tons of them for you when you get back. I promise to take good care of Jill too. She will miss her daddy as well but that's okay. She's been crying for you while I'm writing this. Silly kitten. (:  I will be counting the days until you come back and I can't wait to see you again. 

Love Always, 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

This is what I feel like....

It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. It feels like I can't do anything right. I know that no one in my life has said this to me but even still it is how I feel. I love someone that I can't have. I want to go back to 'normal,' whatever that means. I want to go back to the days that I could happily go through the day and know at the end that I did my best. I don't know how to get my point across or make anyone understand how I'm feeling or what I need from them. I don't know who to trust or who not to. I don't know anything anymore. I'm lost in a cloud of confusion. Someone please help me. I can't do this anymore.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Wow! 3 years already?!?

Dear Angelgirl,
   I have been avoiding this letter for a few days now. I didn't want to admit how I was feeling. You're birthday was absolutely beautiful. Aunt Glo and I went to the park. We took your things and went through them. It was fun to remember everything... where I bought certain things and to remember others who have thought of you along the way. She even made shirts and a cake. :) It was so cute. I love her so much. She has no idea what the day meant to me. I missed you but it wasn't as overwhelming as sometimes. Thanks for all the beautiful sunsets that you've been coloring for me. They've been so pretty to see.. It's kind of like you're coloring pictures for me but I can't put them on the refrigerator. I love them anyway though.

  Also, I want to tell you about someone I met. His name is Jamie. I actually knew him from school but we lost contact for awhile. He came to town a couple weeks ago and we reconnected and spent lots of time together. I think my feelings run a little deeper than they probably should but I can't help it. He made Grammy Mimi and Uncle Blake and Auntie Allie upset but he wasn't trying to. I love him Angelgirl. I can't help it. I wish I knew in high school that I would feel this way now. Who knows where we would be now... I've talked to him about this a few times but it doesn't seem to matter. Yet, for some reason I can't kick these feelings. He's in the Air Force and it complicates things but I think it would be worth it. These are things I can't tell just anyone though. People just don't get it. They don't want to see him the way I do. I think they're all too afraid to lose me again like they did with your daddy... but Jamie is different Angelgirl. He isn't like your daddy at all. Occasionally he says things that alot of people don't think are funny but he just has a different sense of humor. I get it most of the time and he's very receptive if I say something about how it isn't funny or that it hurts my feelings. He doesn't do it on purpose like Daddy did. Anyway Babygirl, I really love him and even if nothing ever comes of that then I will be forever grateful for the time I did have with him. <3

   Well, I should go Angelgirl. It's getting late but I didn't want to put off my letter to you anymore. I love you so much and miss you. Thanks for always being around when I need someone who will  just listen and not judge. I know you see things so clearly up there and I wish I could see things from your point of view sometimes. You know how everything will turn out. Can't wait to find out for myself.

We'll be together again someday Angelgirl.. but until then... The wings of Mommy's soul fly with you!

Kisses & Cuddles,

Friday, August 12, 2011

September is Coming..

Hey Angelgirl,

    Mommy misses you. I wish that you were here. Your cousin Jaycee turned 2 yesterday and it really has me thinking about you alot.  September is coming so soon and I'm never ready... I do better than I used to but I'm still not very good at it. I never know if anyone will remember. I never know if I'll make it through.. I just want you here. I know that I sound like a broken record but I do. I want to know what sort of funny things you would be saying and what sort of things you would be doing. I want to hear you tell me that love me and watch you sleep and dream big dreams for your future... but you aren't here and my dreams for you are pointless. I thought of packing away all your things for awhile... It's hard to look at them right now. I just don't know what else to do. Please help me angelgirl.

Kisses & Cuddles,

P.S. I'm sorry it's so short.. I'm tired and Jaycee is here and I just want to cuddle her... but she'll never be you... I'll write a longer letter soon... Love you Baby....

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Dear Donna Rose -

Donna Rose,
   Hello again, Beautiful Angel. How are you? I was thinking of you and Serenity today and I told you that I would write again soon... So I am. :) I am keeping my niece, (I'm sure you've seen me with her.) Jaycee this weekend. I'm having a blast. Today we played at the splash pad and went to CiCi's Pizza. While we were at the splash pad I could definitely feel you and Serenity with me.. although your presence was amazing... it made me wish that I had Serenity with me and that you and your mommy and daddy were with us playing.. Seeing all those families is hard to take at times.. I think it was okay until people started commenting about 'how old is your little one?' and all those other things they ask when they see a woman with a child. I know you both are so happy up there.. and you're so perfect up there but we miss you here. And I was thinking that you should put in a good word for your mommy and daddy...not that you aren't already telling all your angel friends and God and everyone up there how proud you are that they are your parents... but they deserve their rainbow soon. They are ready... :) They told me I should move in and be their live-in nanny when they do. I think it would be fun. Your mommy and daddy are such wonderful people and they love you so much. I wish that I could give them a ticket to Heaven to visit you. If there ever was something like that I would be willing to give them my ticket instead of going to see Serenity because they would put it to good use I'm sure. <3 But until then you keep them safe okay? Keep a watch over them.. and tell Serenity I love her.

Yet again it's time for me to go, Beautiful Angel. But I'll be back soon I promise.

Remember, Your playgrounds are the Heavens but Mommy and Daddy's hearts are forever your cradle and they love and miss you very much.

Kisses & Cuddles,
   Auntie B

P.S. Would you please give Serenity a hug and tell her that her mommy misses her? Thanks sweet girl.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Happy Valentines Day in Heaven, Sweet Princess Serenity...

Dear Serenity,
     I know that I haven’t written to you much lately and I must say that I miss it dearly. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you about my day or about my plans for Valentine’s Day or what. I’m not sure how that got ruined. I always used to just let the words flow and then the next thing I knew I would have a letter written.  These days it seems that I have a more difficult time with that. I hope that you know that mommy still loves you very much. I think that part of it is that I have been dealing with so much lately and I don’t want to tell you about the sad things that I’m going through or anything less than cheerful…although I’m sure you know anyway… J
                As you know daddy is with someone new now. I tried to be her friend and I tried very hard to be daddy’s friend but it didn’t work out baby girl. I’m sorry. I know you understand but I still feel like I failed you somehow by not being successful with that. It just hurts too much and to many mistakes were made. Luckily you don’t have to experience heartache or pain like that where you are. I also want to say that just because Daddy and I aren’t talking anymore doesn’t mean that I will think of you any less or that he will. I gave him a bracelet that I had made with your name and birthday on it before we stopped speaking. I thought it would be what you wanted. Besides he’s still your daddy and he deserves to remember you in his own way. He did ask for one so I indulged. They are such beautiful bracelets angel girl. They turned out just how I imagined. I wish that we had you here instead of only being able to wear a bracelet with your name on it but I’m just glad I get to do something to remember you. I’m going to send your Auntie Lissie one…along with one that says ‘Aunt of an Angel’. I am glad we picked purple since the other ones we are ordering are white. J
 I have decided to order only those closest to me ones that say ‘Aunt of an Angel’.  So that means your Auntie Lissie, Auntie Allie, Auntie Katie, and of course Aunt Glo.  They have all 4 done so much for me angel girl. In their own ways they have all helped me and I would like for them to know how much they mean to the both of us…I know you sent each of them my way when it was time. Thank you for that baby girl. You and God have really been looking out for me up there and helping me to get just where I need to be. Maybe I’ll tell you a little bit about each of them next…
I think I’ll start with your Auntie Katie. I just recently got back into contact with her and that’s nice. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone on the nights I can’t sleep. She has always been able to relate to me pretty well and we were friends even before I was pregnant with you. She’s quiet and shy. She is always trying to help people. She lived with me for awhile but we sort of got into some arguments and decided maybe it was best that we didn’t talk for awhile. I’m so happy that she has decided to be around again though. I missed her silly jokes and I missed being able to talk to her about random things. I hope that things continue to go well with her and that perhaps we’ll even be good friends like before. She’s very special to me and unique. She helped me a lot when I first had you. She was there even on my worst days when no one knew what to say to me. She never told me that what I was feeling was stupid or that I should ‘get over it’. It’s nice to have a friend like that. I’m glad that she’s giving me another chance and forgiving me. Btw, She'll tell you differently but she's just as beautiful as she always was...inside and out.
Next is Auntie Lissie. She’s quite the character as well angel girl. As I’m sure you see from way up there. She is always saying silly things and although she lives in Australia we do make video calls on the computer. I met her in one of my support groups that I found on facebook. I love her so much though. Even when we first started talking it was like we had known each other forever. I am so glad that even though losing you was tragic that it could bring us together and bring me a friend who never judges me nor does she ignore me when I truly need her. Also she sends me things from Australia every now and then and that’s always exciting. She holds a very special place in my heart. We are planning for me to go to Inverell next summer. That will be lots of fun. I have to go see Esther and Ollie and Auntie Lissie and Uncle Graeme. They agreed I could stay there. It will be an opportunity of a lifetime. Thanks angel girl.
As for Auntie Allie I’m not sure where to start. She is a riot. Between Auntie Allie and your cousin Jaycee I am surprised I haven’t died laughing. I am positive you brought them to me because Jaycee was the first baby that I bonded to after I had you. She was the first child I even allowed myself to be around for any length of time. I was afraid that if I got too attached then I would forget you or replace you or something. Auntie Allie is there for me just like Auntie Lissie and Aunt Katie. She never forgets me and she always does anything she can to help. J She never lets me down. We just had a huge snow storm and I needed her and she dug her car out just for me. I told her she didn’t have to but she was insisting that if I needed her then she was coming to get me. I love that about her. I also love that she can make me laugh even when I wish that I could just curl up and join you. She doesn’t ever let me give up. She believes in me when I don’t have the strength to believe in myself anymore. She helps me get out of bed and when all else fails… there’s Jaycee. She is too young to understand how much she truly does for me but one day I hope that I will be able to show her.  When I need cuddles or someone to need me or someone to spoil… I have Jaycee. When she calls me ‘Auntie B’ it melts my heart … the only thing better would be if you could be here calling me mommy. I am so glad that I got back in contact with Auntie Allie. She loves you so much. It’s crazy. It’s almost like you had been here before you went to Heaven. She lets me talk about you and never changes the subject if I want to tell a pregnancy story or if I just need to talk about you. It takes a very special person for that. She’s not afraid to ask questions either. She told me the reason that God took you to Heaven was because he needed another mermaid for the Ocean of Heaven. I hope you’re having fun swimming all day angel girl because mommy misses you so much down here.
Last but not least is Aunt Glo. She is a friend that I met through facebook as well. I went to high school with her sister and then I started talking with her on facebook. She’s asked about you a lot and I’ve been able to share your story with her. She isn’t afraid to ask questions. I envy her quite a lot. She is beautiful on the inside and out. Her son Max is adorable. I haven’t gotten to know him all that well. I have definitely gotten really close to Aunt Glo in not that long of a time. She is always offering me dinner and to take me places and do things. I don’t mind but sometimes I feel like she thinks she owes it to me and she doesn’t. Her friendship and her respect and her love for her are more than enough. She doesn’t realize how much her kindness means to me. I had been debating on whether or not to offer her an ‘Aunt of an Angel’ bracelet but wasn’t sure that she would be interested. I try really hard not to make people feel like they have to have a bracelet or like it is necessary for them to feel an attachment to you in order to be a part of my life. Although they do have to respect that I am attached to you and still talk about you. So anyway, I was telling her that I was considering ordering a couple but that I wasn’t sure who would want them or if anyone even considered themselves your aunt. She told me that in time the people who deserved one or wanted one would reveal themselves and I told her that she was right. So then she began telling me how much you impacted her life because now when she sees a sunset or pictures of angels or freshly fallen snow that is still sparkling that she thinks of you. I told her how I was glad we could make a difference and I thought it was really neat how she talked about you like she knew you before you went to Heaven and how much that meant to me. I then asked her if she would be interested in one and she said of course she would and that I should know that. I told her that I consider her one of your aunts and she said that she did too but she was too embarrassed to tell me. I told her that was silly. I was thankful that she didn’t just assume that she had the right to tell me that she was one of your aunts though. It was very respectful and nice of her. J I love her so much.  She says she always imagines you being best friends with Max. That made me smile as well. People imagining you and remembering you is what keeps your memory going. I appreciate all the help that I can get. We are planning on dinner soon. She wants to take me out since I won’t let her pay for her bracelet. I told her it wasn’t necessary but she insisted. Thank you for bringing her into our family as well Angel girl. She is very special to me as well as the others. I hope she knows that.
Thank you for all that you do for me, Serenity. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. So many times I get disappointed because you aren’t in my dreams as often and I don’t feel you around me as much as I used to. It worries me that I’ll forget you or that maybe I’m not a good mother because I am forgetting little details now. I know that isn’t true or at least part of me does but I still wonder sometimes if I am doing an okay job at being an angel mommy or if I am messing it up completely. It’s so hard. However, on my hardest days and during my darkest hours I know that these 4 women are around for me to lean on when I don’t have enough strength anymore to help myself. I know that without them I would be in a totally different place in life right now and that it would probably be a decent place but it wouldn’t be the same without them.  I wouldn’t trade the places I have been or the things that I have lived through for anything in the world because I know that it would probably mean that these 4 wonderful women among others wouldn’t be in my life and that in itself would be tragic. Thank you again angel girl for bringing them into my life along with other angel moms and people who mean so much to me. I don’t know where I would be without the support system that we have created since you were born and I don’t want to find out.
Mommy loves you baby girl. I wouldn’t trade those 14 weeks together for anything. I have learned so much about who I am and the strength that I hold within myself since you were born. If you hadn’t have been born early then I might not know that about myself. I will not forget you and I am glad that I know that you are safe and being taken care of. Have fun in Heaven baby. I’ll be with you someday. Until then…

Happy Valentine’s Day in Heaven Angel Girl!

and please remember that the wings of my soul fly with you.
Kisses & Cuddles,