Monday, April 2, 2012

Pre-Deployment - Letter #1

Dear Jamie, 

It has taken me what seems like forever to even sit down to start this letter. I've done such an amazing job at lying to myself about this deployment that sometimes I actually forgot that you were going to leave. At the same time, I've been preparing myself for this for months and yet somehow I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere and I'm no more prepared than I was the day you told me you would be leaving. I'm so proud of you. I wouldn't ever be able to do what you have signed up to do and yet the selfish part of me is so very sad that you are leaving.. I'm losing my best friend. I believe that you will return to me but I also know that it will be different. You will see things and hear things and probably do things that I will never know about nor would I understand. I try so hard to hold back the tears when you put your arms around me so that  I don't make you worry about me. I don't know what to say when you ask me what is wrong anymore. The closer that tomorrow gets the more difficult it is to pinpoint what I am feeling or what exactly is wrong which in turn makes it difficult for me to answer that question. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that tomorrow will be one of the most difficult days of my life. Watching you drive away from my house is always difficult but tomorrow I will know that you are leaving for more than just a few weeks or even months and that I will be unable to contact you whenever I want...You will be gone for at least 1/2 of a year and my heart knows it will feel like a lifetime. I will not be able to talk to you everyday like we do now, when I need someone then I will have to lean on my other friends, when I miss you I will have to think back to all of the memories that we've been making these past 2 weeks and all of the times that we have had together leading up to this. Those memories will have to be enough for me. At this point I don't even know if I will even be able to send you my letters that I am planning to write. I don't know if I will know if you are okay or if you aren't..For all that I know at this point my time with you tonight will be all that I am allowed until you return... But what I do know is that I love you and I am so beyond grateful that you are in my life and I will be right here when you get back waiting patiently for you. Even though it's difficult and heartwrenching that you are going, you are still more than I ever could've hoped for. Even though I don't feel ready for you to leave I would rather have to watch you go than not have you in my life at all. You are courageous. You are amazing and you don't even realize it most of the time. I am lucky to be able to call you my friend and I am lucky that you allow me to be a part of your life. It means more than you will ever know. You mean more to me than you will ever know. The times we've had.. the things we've done.. slow-dancing in the middle of the street to Green Day and you singing to me is one of those things that will pull me through on the darkest of days while you are gone. It's hard for me to believe that we aren't even dating and yet somehow I feel like you are taking my heart with you. Well.. You are taking my heart with you. I am very much in love with you. I don't know how it happened or when but it has happened and that's all I know. When you kiss me goodbye and you get into your car and you drive away tomorrow.. please know that you are taking my heart with you. Please know that I couldn't take it back if I wanted to and I am glad that I can't. Please know that no matter what happens I love you more than words can say and please know that I am okay with that. I wouldn't trust anyone else with my heart like I do knowing you have it. Somehow I know that you will never hurt me purposely and I know that you love me too. When we are together I feel like I could do anything and knowing that I have you coming back home to look forward to will help me hold on when I feel defeated and sad. I don't want  you to worry about me. I know that you do but you don't have to. I'm not alone by any means and I will make it through this. I know that you will as well. But now I'm not sure what else to say so I want you to remember the following...

1) I love you and will be right here waiting for you when you get back.

2) You are courageous and I am proud to call you my best friend. 

I'm not really sure how to end this letter but I know that I don't want to say goodbye. Goodbye seems too permanent and this is only temporary. So instead I'm going to say see you later. I'm going to remind you for the 7 millionth time that I love you and that I am going to miss you but will be right here when you get back and I am going to tell you to please not forget me and I'm going to tell you to please come home safely. The last thing I am going to ask you for is to please let me know where I can send letters or to at least have your mom let me know because I would like to send them to you while you're gone but even if you don't I will have tons of them for you when you get back. I promise to take good care of Jill too. She will miss her daddy as well but that's okay. She's been crying for you while I'm writing this. Silly kitten. (:  I will be counting the days until you come back and I can't wait to see you again. 

Love Always, 

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