Monday, April 2, 2012

Pre-Deployment - Letter #2

Dear Jamie, 

It's been three days since you left and you keep telling me that I'll get better at this and that I'll be okay eventually. At this point I feel like I'm going in the opposite direction. It's like you are my drug and I'm having withdrawals. I crave your kiss and your touch and your jokes and your love. I crave our silly arguments and our conversations that make no sense to anyone but us. I know that you believe in me so much and I thank you for that. I know that all of this will turn out just how it's meant to in the end. I know the ending I am hoping for but I also know that I have to accept that it may not be the ending I receive. So instead of focusing on what may or may not happen I am focusing on what we have right now. What we have is phone calls and internet and time to make jokes and tell stories and make a few more memories before you deploy. Unfortunately I'm feeling like I'm forcing myself on  you and am running out of things to say to you. Sometimes I just want to sit and remind you that I love you and other times I want to tell you about my uneventful day even though I know you probably have a lot more important things on your mind and would really rather I kept it to myself but these are the things I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss telling you about stupid things that happen and about my day even if nothing really big happened. I'm going to miss you talking to Jill on the phone when all she wants to do is cry. To be quite honest I'm just going to miss you in general. You have a very special place in my heart and I am very sad that you are going. I'm very sad that it will feel like part of my heart has been ripped out. However, I know that it will give me something to do. I will be able to write letters about babysitting, job hunting, my tattoo, the silly things Jill does, and so much more. While you're gone I will wonder if you miss me or think of me. I will wonder what you are doing and how you are feeling. I will be concerned and I will hope for some word from you eventually although I have already told myself that no matter how many letters I write or even send that I may go the entire time without a word from you and that I have to be okay with that and know that it doesn't mean that something's wrong. When I talk to you now I am running out of words. I'm running out of jokes and funny things to say.. sometimes the pain and feeling of loss that I am beginning to feel becomes so overwhelming that I can't think straight. I try to shake it off but the closer that the date gets to your deployment the more overwhelming it becomes. Jill can sense that I am upset and melancholy.. that I am beginning to question whether or not I am really going to be able to do this. But I want you to know that even on the most overwhelming day I know that I would rather deal with the difficult days and missing you and the many days to come that I will wonder if you are okay or if something has happened to you as hard as they may be than to remove you from my life and never talk to you again. I have considered all of my options in this situation and I feel that they only option for me is to deal with the pain and wondering and everything else that comes with being best friends and loving someone in the military one day at a time. I have plenty of support and plenty of strength to do this. I just have to keep my feet on the ground and know that I can overcome anything as long as I try. Before we regained our friendship I never would've said that I had enough strength to maintain a relationship of any sort with someone in the military and somehow you have helped me to learn to believe in myself and my dreams and I appreciate that so much. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I appreciate your friendship even when I probably don't deserve it and I appreciate that you don't just leave me alone even when I push you away so much. I appreciate that we stay on the phone for hours and sometimes we don't even stay on the phone and I appreciate that you are reading this stupid letter that probably doesn't make any sense. I will miss you and I will continue to crave the things that I am missing so much. I will continue to dream about you playing with Jill and having your arms around me and at some point I'm sure I will begin to crave the sound of your voice and beg my memory to let me hear it even if only for a moment but I want you to know that I will still be here no matter how difficult it is when you get back. I will patiently be waiting for you to wrap your arms around me again, to kiss me, and most of all I will patiently be waiting for your safe return. I know that you've heard all of these things before and that you are probably wondering if I will ever say anything different but you told me earlier that you didn't know what was bothering me but that you knew that it was serious whatever it was and this was the only way I knew how to explain it without feeling guilty. To be honest, I still feel guilty because the last thing I want is for you to feel bad about anything. I am so very proud of you and am just being selfish about it right now because I feel like I am losing my very best friend in the world and sometimes what seems like the only friend who has time for me. Also, sometimes I think that not talking or sharing things or being extremely reluctant to do so is my way of self - preservation because in some ways that is all coming to an end very very soon. I apologize if it hurts your feelings or if you feel like I'm being a bad friend or if sometimes it seems like I'm angry with you because that isn't the case at all. I should go though. I'm beginning to repeat myself and Jill is demanding my attention. Please remember that no matter where you are I love you and that I will always be here for you no matter what. Please remember that you mean the world to me and that I will always miss you when you are gone. 

Love Always, 

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