Serenity,
I know that you had an absolutely amazing Christmas. Mommy did too...But you already knew that didn't you? :) The only thing that could've made this day any more perfect than it was is if you had been here. Your Great Grandma bought me the prettiest plaque with your name on it and it has candles in front of all the letters. It's absolutely gorgeous and she picked it just for you. I know that you and God worked on her heart so that she could accept you and help her to be able to buy that for me. Thank you. It made me so happy. Mommy also got another really great present...your Auntie Allie and Cousin Jaycee came home...I haven't seen them yet but I will soon...I'm hoping either tomorrow or Monday. I've missed them so much. also got a gps system so that I don't get lost going places...I got clothes...which I love...and some jewelry and an e-reader!!! so excited!!!
So you're daddy isn't going to be around me much anymore. He's with a new girl..I won't mention any names though because I don't know her well and that might be a little rude...not that I have anything bad to say about her.. I've talked to her a time or two...she seems sweet. I hope she treats him well. I always told him that all I wanted was for him to be happy. I mean it baby girl. He gave me you and that's so special but I don't want him to feel trapped either. I so badly want to be able to be friends with him but I have a feeling that isn't going to end up happening. I dont know how to just be friends with someone who I gave my heart to. Besides, I would rather let go and walk away now instead of dragging it out until we hate each other. I would rather have a really amazing memory than a shattered heart later on. Although, I don't know who I think I'm kidding...it's already shattered. I wanted so badly to make things work...I wanted so badly for him to be my forever ending..But you know what I realized? God has something so great for both me and your daddy that we can't even begin to imagine what it is...and if we aren't supposed to be together then He has someone else better for the both of us...someone who He created just for us. That puts a smile on my face. But I still wouldn't trade the time I had with your daddy for anything. His new special someone is a very lucky lady...I wish them the best. Oh, and just in case you're wondering...I'm sure he still misses you...just perhaps a little differently but I'm sure he does...I know I do. Sometimes I think daddy deals with it better than mommy and that is part of the reason that he has to be with someone elseKeep your eye on him Angel girl. He still needs it. :) Shhh...don't tell him...it's our secret...Well, I guess not since I'm posting it here but that's okay..no one will tell. :p
I have held it together all day lovie. I have made sure to keep a smile on my face...a few times my mind even let me rest entirely and let you fly high where you belong. It was sort of bittersweet. I still think of you often but for the first time in 2 years I was able to breathe and not think of the pretty constant heartache that I live with. It has faded now to a very dull ache...sometimes I feel guilty for it baby girl. I feel guilty on the days when I start to live life normally again. I feel guilty on the days when I don't think of you at all (although those are few.) I want so badly for you to be here and I miss you so much but I know that you wouldn't want me to sit in one place and never move forward. I know that you are happy up there in Heaven. I know that you are with me whether or not I conciously think of you...I know that you will never leave my side and that you are my very own special guardian angel...And I know that I have a strength because of you and because of God that not everyone has. It takes a very special person to be able to handle being an angel parent. Speaking of which, I joined a thing called 'Random Acts of Text Messaging'. It's to help encourage all the angel parents (seems like mostly mommas) over the holidays. I am growing very close to them very quickly. Thank you for that bond. I love to help people and since a lot of them are newer to the 'Angel world' and I have already done this for 3 Christmases I have felt like I'm making a difference. I thank God daily that I am able to encourage some of the others with my testimony and pray that it truly does make a difference...
Well, now for the hard part. I have to say goodnight. I am planning on making the best of the rest of my time with the family...we are going to a movie in the morning so I have to say goodnight. I have to get some sleep. It's nearly 2am. Momma will be so sleepy tomorrow morning...as you know I haven't been sleeping well again...Not sure what's going on. I even have been sleeping in Grammy Mimi's room so that I can get some sort of rest and so that I can get to her easily if I need her. So angel girl, Momma loves you...more than you will ever know. I know you and all the other angel babies had a Rockin' birthday party up there in Heaven today for Jesus! I hope you all had fun. I'll write again soon...It's been too long... Until then...
The Wings of Mommy's Soul Fly With You!
Kisses & Cuddles,
Mommy
P.S. Happy 2 years and 3 months in Heaven. Fly high Angel girl!
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