Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Reality Lately

Have you ever felt completely alone even though reality is quite the contrary? Have you ever wished that you could sleep away the pain or the heartache? Have you ever been in such pain that you can't eat, sleep, or think? That's where I am right now and I'm not sure why. I know that a lot has gone on over the last month...thank goodness it's almost over...but I didn't think it was effecting me. I thought that I was doing fine. Then a couple of days ago I realized that I'm not okay. It's almost as if I've been in shock of some sort and about the time I started to feel like myself everything that's happened hit me all at once.

It was Serenity's 3rd Christmas this year. That went so well. Everything was fine. I laughed and had a good time and knew that my angel girl was with me the whole time. I did so well all day..sure the few days before I hadn't slept much and I didn't know why but that wasn't anything new. I've had trouble sleeping off and on since my daughter was born. So that chalks up to about 2 years and 3 months. I didn't think anything of it. I figured it was the normal holiday insomnia along with some of the other stress that had been added with her daddy and everything. But now I can't sleep at all...and if I do then I toss and turn continuously until morning. I am always sick to my stomach...especially if there is food anywhere near me. I could have hunger pains one moment and then the next moment I can't stand the smell of whatever it is that I'm trying to eat. The only other time I remember being like this is when I had Serenity. It was like I was a zombie. But even then sleep would eventually come...filled with dreams of everything that had happened but it would come...I would attempt to eat and usually succeed at first...this time is completely different. This time I just walk around in 'zombie state' and pray that no one notices. It's almost like I was drowning and fighting to stay above water and now I've reached the point where I just can't fight anymore and I'm slowly sinking to the bottom now.

I am grieving a loss I suppose. I've lost someone very close to me..at least in a certain way. He didn't die but neither of us were happy anymore and it was time to let go. We needed to go our separate ways and in time be able to be friends instead of dragging it out to the point of resentment towards one another. It's so strange though because I feel as if I'm going through the same stages of grief that I went through after Serenity's birth. It seems like grief would be different for a loss of a significant other and the loss of my child...but it isn't. I am just as deeply saddened by this situation as I was with Serenity. I think part of that comes from the fact that he was her father. I am now cutting one of the ties that I had to Serenity. The only other bond that was like mine to her. :( I will survive though. If I have learned anything over the last 2 years it is that I AM a survivor!

Also, I have joined a group for angel mommas and I think that helping those women is helping me heal but sometimes it's a little painful. Sometimes helping them forces me to relive things or deal with things that I hadn't dealt with in the past. Helping them means opening up about things that I felt or things that I didn't say or things that others said/did after Serenity's birth that may have effected me in ways that I wasn't willing to admit back then and sometimes it just simply means empathizing with them and that in turn causes me to open up my heart and remember things that I had long since shoved into a deep abyss in my heart. Now, some of the ladies that I am talking about will probably read this and I want to assure them that I by no means want them to stop calling or to hesistate when they need me because I am going to make it through this. They are helping me just as much as I am helping them. They are helping me to realize that it's okay that I still feel the pain sometimes and that I am only human, not superwoman and that they love me (along with my friends and family) just as much as they would if I wasn't an angel momma. These groups have been so much help for me...Thank you angel parents. We forever share a bond that can never be broken and I am so beyond blessed to know you all. So like I said please don't hesitate to contact me. That's what we are here for. To support and help each other through the raging seas of life. I love you all. :)

Well, I suppose I should quit rambling. I think I'm beginning to feel a little better now. I need to remember how cleansing that writing and letting out feelings can be. I have to remember that writing is almost like breathing to me and that I always feel at least a temporary wave of relief when I use my skill. I am so much better with words when I am writing or typing them than when I am speaking them. It always comes out just the way I want it to even if I have to erase or backspace a few times before it is the way that I want it to be.  However, I tend to overlook how much better it makes me feel when I am feeling any sort of emotion very deeply. I think that comes from fear of admitting reality as it is sometimes if that makes sense. As long as I don't say it or write about it then I can deny it. I've been working on that as well. Sometimes I do really well with accepting things as they are and at other times I fail epically. That's only natural. We all stumble at times but as long as we get back up and try again then it doesn't matter.

If any of you have any suggestions on how to deal with all these feelings or would like to share how you dealt with yours then that would be great. I am always up for tips or advice if anyone could offer me any.

I also want to say that I love all my friends (angel mommas or not) and family so much. I want to thank all of you for everything that you've done and for being a part of my life in 2010. I hope to see you all in 2011 as well. :) If there is anything I can ever do for any of you then don't hesitate to ask. I will always be willing to help in any way that I can.

Last but not least, I love you Serenity Hope Knight. I love you so much and I just wanted to remind you angel girl. I know you're flying high and watching over me and I am so proud to be your mommy. I wouldn't trade any of the time I had with you or your daddy for anything. I hope that you know that. I can't wait to hold you in my arms one day and kiss you and cuddle you. 
     Kisses & Cuddles,
              Mommy :)

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