Goodbye

Dear you know who you are,

   I just wanted to let you know that I truly do wish you the best. I hope you are happier with her than you ever were with me and that everything goes fantastically. I hope that she is everything that you are looking for, everything I couldn't be, and so much more. As strange as that sounds, it's true. I want you to be happy. I've told you that for so long now that I truly hope that you believe it. Is it hard to let you go? Yes. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Yes, of course. I thought you were going to be my one and only. Does my heart ache everytime I think about it? Yes, we had a bond that I have never shared with anyone else. That's to be expected. Do I want to be friends? Yes, but I'm scared.
 
   I remember a time when we were so happy together. Everything just seemed to fall into place when we were together. We were invincible as long as we were together. That's how love is supposed to be. I'll never forget how it felt when you would hold my hand, kiss me, or sometimes just look into my eyes. I so badly wanted it to last forever. I so badly wanted to marry you. Somewhere in my heart of hearts, I knew it would never happen. Too many things standing in the way. Too many excuses about why it wasn't a good time. I honestly believe that you loved me at some point. I also think that there was probably a time when we both thought it would last forever and that we would get married. Then after Serenity was born...things were different. We were still in love...or so I thought. But things had definitely changed. As I look back on it I wonder if we stayed together just so that we wouldn't lose everything all at once. I don't want to believe that but if I look at the situation honestly, then that's probably what the truth is.

After you moved and I started working...things changed again. You got too busy for me. You'd never call and when you did ...it was different. You stopped saying you loved me. You finally quit calling altogether. You disappeared for 3 months. I should've known then...and somewhere in my mind I did. But I couldn't let go...not yet. So then you reappeared and asked me to stay over with you one night and I did. It was a little awkward and yet again that red flag in my head waved saying "we are different. This isn't the old us. Someone should leave." Yet, neither one of us would admit it. Somehow, I could sense that something was wrong. You were with someone else...or you wanted to be. I wasn't sure which.

Even still, a week later when you said that it was officially over, I cried. I couldn't help it. I knew in my heart it had been over for a long time. I knew that once the phone calls had stopped coming and you disappeared that you would find someone else. I just never expected you to reappear before you did so. I never expected to get a chance to say goodbye. To be honest, I wish there hadn't been one. At least a part of me does. I wish you had just disappeared...faded out, never to return. But common sense says that I would've waited for you to come back. I asked if there was someone else and you said no. I knew you were lying but i didn't understand why. Throughout the entire 4 years that we were together I told you that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy whether it was with me or not. Yet, you still felt like you had to lie. I knew there was someone. I knew you too well to believe there wasn't. But I let it go. I thanked you for an amazing relationship and all the lessons that I learned, and of course in my heart I was also thanking you for the time with our daughter. 14 short weeks, yet that was one of the greatest things that you ever gave me. You'll probably never realize that. I needed her. She helped me to grow up. She helped me to learn that life isn't always about us. She helped me to go from a teenager to a young woman. Thank you for that.

When you made everything official you said that we could still be friends. At first I said that was fine but I've realized something. I 'm not sure that I can. I don't want to be stuck in the past which is where I'm afraid I'll be if you are around me. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to cause trouble for you. I will live with a heartache day after day that is almost unbearable. My heart jumps everytime I see your picture on facebook and my stomach begins to churn. I would love to say that we could be best friends but I don't want to say that and then realize that it won't happen. Will I always be bonded to you in a very special way? Yes, but I have to be careful to let go and not live in the memories instead of moving forward.  It's only fair. You were kind enough to let me go and I have to be kind enough to return the favor. I have to be kind enough to you to let you be with who makes you happy whether or not it hurts me right now and I have to be kind enough to myself to move on and wait for the guy that God has for me. Would I ever change the time we had together? No. Not only because of Serenity but because you taught me how to love someone more than myself. So, I want you to know that I love you. I will always remember and cherish the time that we had together and won't ever forget it. I want you to know that our time together will be some of the memories that I am most fond of as I grow older and definitely a story I will share with my children when they start asking about my past. I will always remember you and yet somehow, as time goes on I know that it will be less of a painful ordeal and more of a reminiscent moment.

I pray that you will find who you are meant for and that you will remember me as well. I pray that you will remember our daughter and the time that we had with her as something special. I pray that you hold her close to your heart even as I start to fade into the distance. I pray that God reveals his plans for you and begins to help you to pursue them. I pray that you know that I will never regret our time together because it was some of the best times of my life.

I thank you for everything you've done for me. I thank you for taking a chance on a girl like me. I thank you for giving me some of the best times of my life which will turn into the greatest stories. I thank you for our daughter. I thank you for loving me the way you did and teaching me lessons of life that I might not have learned otherwise.
I apologize for all of the things that I did wrong. I apologize for not being the greatest girlfriend ever. I apologize for acting childish sometimes even when I should've been able to handle it and act like a grown-up. I apologize for things not working out the way we had always planned, but hope you know that God has something so much better for you and for myself.

Love Always,
    Brittany Seree'
        AKA
     Snowflake