To My Angel

Dear Serenity,

    Oh momma is having a rough day today. I feel like everything is falling apart. I'm pretty sure that you already know that though. I'm pretty sure that you are with me while I go through this today. I can feel you. I just wish that it wasn't so hard. I guess my hormones are out of control once again.

Mommy misses you so much baby. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you and cuddle you and love you just like all the mommas who have babies that are here on Earth. I joined several groups lately. We chat and help each other through the rough times. I appreciate their help so much! Thank you for helping me find them.

I finally decided on a memorial tattoo as well. :) I'm going to get 3 forget-me-not flowers...they are going to be different colors than normal forget me nots though... 1 will be Sapphire blue for you baby girl...1 will be Peridot green for daddy..and then mommy's will be Ruby red. Then I'm going to get our initials on a petal of each flower..yours will be on the blue one, mommy's will be on the red one, and daddy's will be on the green one. It's supposed to represent our family even if you and me are the only ones left of it. I hope you like that idea...

I have to be honest with you.. I still miss your daddy. I miss him so much. But things can't ever be the same. Would you please help me to let go? I know that you would want me to be happy. I'm trying so hard but with my emotions all crazy and so much stuff going on its hard. I wish things were different but I need to quit wasting my time wishing and just let go.

We get a new baby in our classroom tomorrow. Her name is Lanie. She's walking. So that will be different. I'm so excited to get to know her like I know the other kids in the classroom. I think it will be a lot of fun. :)

I also got back in touch with  my old friend. Her name is Sarah. She asked about you the other day. :) And she didn't even change her mind about wanting to know when I said it was a long story. I'm so happy to have good friends Serenity. I am also happy that you are up there and I know that you have good friends too. Sorry that I'm rambling so much tonight. I don't know what all to say. You probably think that this letter is silly. I'm sorry angel girl.. Mommy's heart just isn't in it tonight.. I'm not sure why. I'll be a better mommy and write another letter soon. Maybe it will be better. I love you always..and remember..the wings of my soul fly with you...

Kisses & Cuddles,
    Mommy

Why Now?

Why did you have to apologize?

Why did you have to confess everything from the past now?

Why did you think it would help me to hear it?

Why now?

Why do you think that telling me that you loved me then and a part of you always will is going to make a difference?

Why do you think I care now that you have her?

Why don't you just leave me be and let my shattered heart have a chance to heal?

Why do you say you don't want me and then try to reel me back in?

Why now?

Here's the thing...I'm a survivor and I don't need you.

I've been dealing with things on my own for awhile now.

I haven't asked you for anything.  

Why do you think this will change so suddenly?

Why do you think that I will sit here and wait for something of the past and not move on?

Why do you want things to be different now?

Why are you asking to be my friend after you left so abruptly?

Why now?

Here's the thing...

I don't want you to answer any of these questions...These things no longer matter.

I can't hold on to the past anymore...I've held on for far too long.

I am finished waiting for you to change when I know you never will.

I am finished crying over all these hurts...I'm finally ready to truly heal.

I am tired of fighting for someone who doesn't fight for me.

I refuse to ask you for anything else.

I have made it this far so..

Why now?

Everyone has scars

Eveyone has scars that show where they have been. It's not just certain groups of people. We all have them. We all have a past that brings us to the present and will help take us to the future. Without the past and the scars on our souls and hearts we wouldn't mature. We wouldn't be able to help other people anymore and that would be a bigger tragedy.

People used to try and make me feel ashamed of my past or of things that have happened to me but I will no longer let them. God is using that to bring me to the person I am supposed to be. Sure, it was hard. I have things that I wonder if I might have changed if I had known the results but when I really think about it...I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't change it. I have become a better person because of it. Sure, sometimes I wish I hadn't made some mistakes that I did. Who doesn't? But life is a lesson and you learn by making choices..even if some of those choices end up not being so great.

Anyone who tells you that they don't have scars or that they don't have a past is probably lying or they haven't lived enough life to be able to have things like that. Everyone experiences life at a different pace. Some of us grow up way before our time, while others take their sweet time and life allows them this luxury. However, no one should be ashamed of whatever their pace is. God has a plan. We are chosen to live the life we are given because we are the only ones strong enough to go through the specific trials and troubles that we endure...Some of us may lose children...while others may endure something totally different..Both are equally painful but the one who lost the child may not be able to endure whatever it is the other person is going through nearly as well and vice versa.

My point is that we all will have scars in the end but they will tell a story. Our soul has a story to tell...So don't be ashamed of your past...don't be ashamed of anything you have done or haven't done. Know that you are loved. Know that there is a reason for everything and that it may or may not be changing someone else's life. Something that you go through might help one of your friends in the future...or it may just help you as you get older and life throws more at you...but either way you should never be ashamed because that's like apologizing for the person you are.

Just so you know...

DISCLAIMER: I am feeling a need to vent and I said everything on my mind. Sorry if it offends you that was not the intention.

Just so you know I meant what I said on my facebook post that night...every last word of it.

Just so you know I will make it and it will be no thanks to you.

Just so you know our daughter knows who really cares and who has been true to her memory and who is just using it to see how far they can get.

Just so you know you will never be able to replace her or forget her no matter how hard you try.

Just so you know you may have hurt me but you didn't break me...and you never will.

Just so you know I know I'm not perfect but I am proud of who I am.

Just so you know my heart is no longer shatters at the thought of you not wanting me.

Just so you know I'm finished making excuses and compromising myself for you and other people.

Just so you know I no longer care what you say or think.

Just so you know my true friends will always be around and will never turn their backs on me the way you did time and time again.

Just so you know I really did love you and would have done anything for you but it's too late now...I won't sit around and wait for you to change into the person you always promised that you would be anymore.

Just so you know you'll never be anything to her.

Just so you know I'm glad God has her and not you because now you'll never be able to hurt her the way you did me.

Just so you know I don't feel guilty for saying any of this because you needed to hear it.