Have you ever felt completely alone even though reality is quite the contrary? Have you ever wished that you could sleep away the pain or the heartache? Have you ever been in such pain that you can't eat, sleep, or think? That's where I am right now and I'm not sure why. I know that a lot has gone on over the last month...thank goodness it's almost over...but I didn't think it was effecting me. I thought that I was doing fine. Then a couple of days ago I realized that I'm not okay. It's almost as if I've been in shock of some sort and about the time I started to feel like myself everything that's happened hit me all at once.
It was Serenity's 3rd Christmas this year. That went so well. Everything was fine. I laughed and had a good time and knew that my angel girl was with me the whole time. I did so well all day..sure the few days before I hadn't slept much and I didn't know why but that wasn't anything new. I've had trouble sleeping off and on since my daughter was born. So that chalks up to about 2 years and 3 months. I didn't think anything of it. I figured it was the normal holiday insomnia along with some of the other stress that had been added with her daddy and everything. But now I can't sleep at all...and if I do then I toss and turn continuously until morning. I am always sick to my stomach...especially if there is food anywhere near me. I could have hunger pains one moment and then the next moment I can't stand the smell of whatever it is that I'm trying to eat. The only other time I remember being like this is when I had Serenity. It was like I was a zombie. But even then sleep would eventually come...filled with dreams of everything that had happened but it would come...I would attempt to eat and usually succeed at first...this time is completely different. This time I just walk around in 'zombie state' and pray that no one notices. It's almost like I was drowning and fighting to stay above water and now I've reached the point where I just can't fight anymore and I'm slowly sinking to the bottom now.
I am grieving a loss I suppose. I've lost someone very close to me..at least in a certain way. He didn't die but neither of us were happy anymore and it was time to let go. We needed to go our separate ways and in time be able to be friends instead of dragging it out to the point of resentment towards one another. It's so strange though because I feel as if I'm going through the same stages of grief that I went through after Serenity's birth. It seems like grief would be different for a loss of a significant other and the loss of my child...but it isn't. I am just as deeply saddened by this situation as I was with Serenity. I think part of that comes from the fact that he was her father. I am now cutting one of the ties that I had to Serenity. The only other bond that was like mine to her. :( I will survive though. If I have learned anything over the last 2 years it is that I AM a survivor!
Also, I have joined a group for angel mommas and I think that helping those women is helping me heal but sometimes it's a little painful. Sometimes helping them forces me to relive things or deal with things that I hadn't dealt with in the past. Helping them means opening up about things that I felt or things that I didn't say or things that others said/did after Serenity's birth that may have effected me in ways that I wasn't willing to admit back then and sometimes it just simply means empathizing with them and that in turn causes me to open up my heart and remember things that I had long since shoved into a deep abyss in my heart. Now, some of the ladies that I am talking about will probably read this and I want to assure them that I by no means want them to stop calling or to hesistate when they need me because I am going to make it through this. They are helping me just as much as I am helping them. They are helping me to realize that it's okay that I still feel the pain sometimes and that I am only human, not superwoman and that they love me (along with my friends and family) just as much as they would if I wasn't an angel momma. These groups have been so much help for me...Thank you angel parents. We forever share a bond that can never be broken and I am so beyond blessed to know you all. So like I said please don't hesitate to contact me. That's what we are here for. To support and help each other through the raging seas of life. I love you all. :)
Well, I suppose I should quit rambling. I think I'm beginning to feel a little better now. I need to remember how cleansing that writing and letting out feelings can be. I have to remember that writing is almost like breathing to me and that I always feel at least a temporary wave of relief when I use my skill. I am so much better with words when I am writing or typing them than when I am speaking them. It always comes out just the way I want it to even if I have to erase or backspace a few times before it is the way that I want it to be. However, I tend to overlook how much better it makes me feel when I am feeling any sort of emotion very deeply. I think that comes from fear of admitting reality as it is sometimes if that makes sense. As long as I don't say it or write about it then I can deny it. I've been working on that as well. Sometimes I do really well with accepting things as they are and at other times I fail epically. That's only natural. We all stumble at times but as long as we get back up and try again then it doesn't matter.
If any of you have any suggestions on how to deal with all these feelings or would like to share how you dealt with yours then that would be great. I am always up for tips or advice if anyone could offer me any.
I also want to say that I love all my friends (angel mommas or not) and family so much. I want to thank all of you for everything that you've done and for being a part of my life in 2010. I hope to see you all in 2011 as well. :) If there is anything I can ever do for any of you then don't hesitate to ask. I will always be willing to help in any way that I can.
Last but not least, I love you Serenity Hope Knight. I love you so much and I just wanted to remind you angel girl. I know you're flying high and watching over me and I am so proud to be your mommy. I wouldn't trade any of the time I had with you or your daddy for anything. I hope that you know that. I can't wait to hold you in my arms one day and kiss you and cuddle you.
Kisses & Cuddles,
Mommy :)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas, Angel girl!
Serenity,
I know that you had an absolutely amazing Christmas. Mommy did too...But you already knew that didn't you? :) The only thing that could've made this day any more perfect than it was is if you had been here. Your Great Grandma bought me the prettiest plaque with your name on it and it has candles in front of all the letters. It's absolutely gorgeous and she picked it just for you. I know that you and God worked on her heart so that she could accept you and help her to be able to buy that for me. Thank you. It made me so happy. Mommy also got another really great present...your Auntie Allie and Cousin Jaycee came home...I haven't seen them yet but I will soon...I'm hoping either tomorrow or Monday. I've missed them so much. also got a gps system so that I don't get lost going places...I got clothes...which I love...and some jewelry and an e-reader!!! so excited!!!
So you're daddy isn't going to be around me much anymore. He's with a new girl..I won't mention any names though because I don't know her well and that might be a little rude...not that I have anything bad to say about her.. I've talked to her a time or two...she seems sweet. I hope she treats him well. I always told him that all I wanted was for him to be happy. I mean it baby girl. He gave me you and that's so special but I don't want him to feel trapped either. I so badly want to be able to be friends with him but I have a feeling that isn't going to end up happening. I dont know how to just be friends with someone who I gave my heart to. Besides, I would rather let go and walk away now instead of dragging it out until we hate each other. I would rather have a really amazing memory than a shattered heart later on. Although, I don't know who I think I'm kidding...it's already shattered. I wanted so badly to make things work...I wanted so badly for him to be my forever ending..But you know what I realized? God has something so great for both me and your daddy that we can't even begin to imagine what it is...and if we aren't supposed to be together then He has someone else better for the both of us...someone who He created just for us. That puts a smile on my face. But I still wouldn't trade the time I had with your daddy for anything. His new special someone is a very lucky lady...I wish them the best. Oh, and just in case you're wondering...I'm sure he still misses you...just perhaps a little differently but I'm sure he does...I know I do. Sometimes I think daddy deals with it better than mommy and that is part of the reason that he has to be with someone elseKeep your eye on him Angel girl. He still needs it. :) Shhh...don't tell him...it's our secret...Well, I guess not since I'm posting it here but that's okay..no one will tell. :p
I have held it together all day lovie. I have made sure to keep a smile on my face...a few times my mind even let me rest entirely and let you fly high where you belong. It was sort of bittersweet. I still think of you often but for the first time in 2 years I was able to breathe and not think of the pretty constant heartache that I live with. It has faded now to a very dull ache...sometimes I feel guilty for it baby girl. I feel guilty on the days when I start to live life normally again. I feel guilty on the days when I don't think of you at all (although those are few.) I want so badly for you to be here and I miss you so much but I know that you wouldn't want me to sit in one place and never move forward. I know that you are happy up there in Heaven. I know that you are with me whether or not I conciously think of you...I know that you will never leave my side and that you are my very own special guardian angel...And I know that I have a strength because of you and because of God that not everyone has. It takes a very special person to be able to handle being an angel parent. Speaking of which, I joined a thing called 'Random Acts of Text Messaging'. It's to help encourage all the angel parents (seems like mostly mommas) over the holidays. I am growing very close to them very quickly. Thank you for that bond. I love to help people and since a lot of them are newer to the 'Angel world' and I have already done this for 3 Christmases I have felt like I'm making a difference. I thank God daily that I am able to encourage some of the others with my testimony and pray that it truly does make a difference...
Well, now for the hard part. I have to say goodnight. I am planning on making the best of the rest of my time with the family...we are going to a movie in the morning so I have to say goodnight. I have to get some sleep. It's nearly 2am. Momma will be so sleepy tomorrow morning...as you know I haven't been sleeping well again...Not sure what's going on. I even have been sleeping in Grammy Mimi's room so that I can get some sort of rest and so that I can get to her easily if I need her. So angel girl, Momma loves you...more than you will ever know. I know you and all the other angel babies had a Rockin' birthday party up there in Heaven today for Jesus! I hope you all had fun. I'll write again soon...It's been too long... Until then...
The Wings of Mommy's Soul Fly With You!
Kisses & Cuddles,
Mommy
P.S. Happy 2 years and 3 months in Heaven. Fly high Angel girl!
I know that you had an absolutely amazing Christmas. Mommy did too...But you already knew that didn't you? :) The only thing that could've made this day any more perfect than it was is if you had been here. Your Great Grandma bought me the prettiest plaque with your name on it and it has candles in front of all the letters. It's absolutely gorgeous and she picked it just for you. I know that you and God worked on her heart so that she could accept you and help her to be able to buy that for me. Thank you. It made me so happy. Mommy also got another really great present...your Auntie Allie and Cousin Jaycee came home...I haven't seen them yet but I will soon...I'm hoping either tomorrow or Monday. I've missed them so much. also got a gps system so that I don't get lost going places...I got clothes...which I love...and some jewelry and an e-reader!!! so excited!!!
So you're daddy isn't going to be around me much anymore. He's with a new girl..I won't mention any names though because I don't know her well and that might be a little rude...not that I have anything bad to say about her.. I've talked to her a time or two...she seems sweet. I hope she treats him well. I always told him that all I wanted was for him to be happy. I mean it baby girl. He gave me you and that's so special but I don't want him to feel trapped either. I so badly want to be able to be friends with him but I have a feeling that isn't going to end up happening. I dont know how to just be friends with someone who I gave my heart to. Besides, I would rather let go and walk away now instead of dragging it out until we hate each other. I would rather have a really amazing memory than a shattered heart later on. Although, I don't know who I think I'm kidding...it's already shattered. I wanted so badly to make things work...I wanted so badly for him to be my forever ending..But you know what I realized? God has something so great for both me and your daddy that we can't even begin to imagine what it is...and if we aren't supposed to be together then He has someone else better for the both of us...someone who He created just for us. That puts a smile on my face. But I still wouldn't trade the time I had with your daddy for anything. His new special someone is a very lucky lady...I wish them the best. Oh, and just in case you're wondering...I'm sure he still misses you...just perhaps a little differently but I'm sure he does...I know I do. Sometimes I think daddy deals with it better than mommy and that is part of the reason that he has to be with someone elseKeep your eye on him Angel girl. He still needs it. :) Shhh...don't tell him...it's our secret...Well, I guess not since I'm posting it here but that's okay..no one will tell. :p
I have held it together all day lovie. I have made sure to keep a smile on my face...a few times my mind even let me rest entirely and let you fly high where you belong. It was sort of bittersweet. I still think of you often but for the first time in 2 years I was able to breathe and not think of the pretty constant heartache that I live with. It has faded now to a very dull ache...sometimes I feel guilty for it baby girl. I feel guilty on the days when I start to live life normally again. I feel guilty on the days when I don't think of you at all (although those are few.) I want so badly for you to be here and I miss you so much but I know that you wouldn't want me to sit in one place and never move forward. I know that you are happy up there in Heaven. I know that you are with me whether or not I conciously think of you...I know that you will never leave my side and that you are my very own special guardian angel...And I know that I have a strength because of you and because of God that not everyone has. It takes a very special person to be able to handle being an angel parent. Speaking of which, I joined a thing called 'Random Acts of Text Messaging'. It's to help encourage all the angel parents (seems like mostly mommas) over the holidays. I am growing very close to them very quickly. Thank you for that bond. I love to help people and since a lot of them are newer to the 'Angel world' and I have already done this for 3 Christmases I have felt like I'm making a difference. I thank God daily that I am able to encourage some of the others with my testimony and pray that it truly does make a difference...
Well, now for the hard part. I have to say goodnight. I am planning on making the best of the rest of my time with the family...we are going to a movie in the morning so I have to say goodnight. I have to get some sleep. It's nearly 2am. Momma will be so sleepy tomorrow morning...as you know I haven't been sleeping well again...Not sure what's going on. I even have been sleeping in Grammy Mimi's room so that I can get some sort of rest and so that I can get to her easily if I need her. So angel girl, Momma loves you...more than you will ever know. I know you and all the other angel babies had a Rockin' birthday party up there in Heaven today for Jesus! I hope you all had fun. I'll write again soon...It's been too long... Until then...
The Wings of Mommy's Soul Fly With You!
Kisses & Cuddles,
Mommy
P.S. Happy 2 years and 3 months in Heaven. Fly high Angel girl!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Goodbye
Dear you know who you are,
I just wanted to let you know that I truly do wish you the best. I hope you are happier with her than you ever were with me and that everything goes fantastically. I hope that she is everything that you are looking for, everything I couldn't be, and so much more. As strange as that sounds, it's true. I want you to be happy. I've told you that for so long now that I truly hope that you believe it. Is it hard to let you go? Yes. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Yes, of course. I thought you were going to be my one and only. Does my heart ache everytime I think about it? Yes, we had a bond that I have never shared with anyone else. That's to be expected. Do I want to be friends? Yes, but I'm scared.
I remember a time when we were so happy together. Everything just seemed to fall into place when we were together. We were invincible as long as we were together. That's how love is supposed to be. I'll never forget how it felt when you would hold my hand, kiss me, or sometimes just look into my eyes. I so badly wanted it to last forever. I so badly wanted to marry you. Somewhere in my heart of hearts, I knew it would never happen. Too many things standing in the way. Too many excuses about why it wasn't a good time. I honestly believe that you loved me at some point. I also think that there was probably a time when we both thought it would last forever and that we would get married. Then after Serenity was born...things were different. We were still in love...or so I thought. But things had definitely changed. As I look back on it I wonder if we stayed together just so that we wouldn't lose everything all at once. I don't want to believe that but if I look at the situation honestly, then that's probably what the truth is.
After you moved and I started working...things changed again. You got too busy for me. You'd never call and when you did ...it was different. You stopped saying you loved me. You finally quit calling altogether. You disappeared for 3 months. I should've known then...and somewhere in my mind I did. But I couldn't let go...not yet. So then you reappeared and asked me to stay over with you one night and I did. It was a little awkward and yet again that red flag in my head waved saying "we are different. This isn't the old us. Someone should leave." Yet, neither one of us would admit it. Somehow, I could sense that something was wrong. You were with someone else...or you wanted to be. I wasn't sure which.
Even still, a week later when you said that it was officially over, I cried. I couldn't help it. I knew in my heart it had been over for a long time. I knew that once the phone calls had stopped coming and you disappeared that you would find someone else. I just never expected you to reappear before you did so. I never expected to get a chance to say goodbye. To be honest, I wish there hadn't been one. At least a part of me does. I wish you had just disappeared...faded out, never to return. But common sense says that I would've waited for you to come back. I asked if there was someone else and you said no. I knew you were lying but i didn't understand why. Throughout the entire 4 years that we were together I told you that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy whether it was with me or not. Yet, you still felt like you had to lie. I knew there was someone. I knew you too well to believe there wasn't. But I let it go. I thanked you for an amazing relationship and all the lessons that I learned, and of course in my heart I was also thanking you for the time with our daughter. 14 short weeks, yet that was one of the greatest things that you ever gave me. You'll probably never realize that. I needed her. She helped me to grow up. She helped me to learn that life isn't always about us. She helped me to go from a teenager to a young woman. Thank you for that.
When you made everything official you said that we could still be friends. At first I said that was fine but I've realized something. I 'm not sure that I can. I don't want to be stuck in the past which is where I'm afraid I'll be if you are around me. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to cause trouble for you. I will live with a heartache day after day that is almost unbearable. My heart jumps everytime I see your picture on facebook and my stomach begins to churn. I would love to say that we could be best friends but I don't want to say that and then realize that it won't happen. Will I always be bonded to you in a very special way? Yes, but I have to be careful to let go and not live in the memories instead of moving forward. It's only fair. You were kind enough to let me go and I have to be kind enough to return the favor. I have to be kind enough to you to let you be with who makes you happy whether or not it hurts me right now and I have to be kind enough to myself to move on and wait for the guy that God has for me. Would I ever change the time we had together? No. Not only because of Serenity but because you taught me how to love someone more than myself. So, I want you to know that I love you. I will always remember and cherish the time that we had together and won't ever forget it. I want you to know that our time together will be some of the memories that I am most fond of as I grow older and definitely a story I will share with my children when they start asking about my past. I will always remember you and yet somehow, as time goes on I know that it will be less of a painful ordeal and more of a reminiscent moment.
I pray that you will find who you are meant for and that you will remember me as well. I pray that you will remember our daughter and the time that we had with her as something special. I pray that you hold her close to your heart even as I start to fade into the distance. I pray that God reveals his plans for you and begins to help you to pursue them. I pray that you know that I will never regret our time together because it was some of the best times of my life.
I thank you for everything you've done for me. I thank you for taking a chance on a girl like me. I thank you for giving me some of the best times of my life which will turn into the greatest stories. I thank you for our daughter. I thank you for loving me the way you did and teaching me lessons of life that I might not have learned otherwise.
I apologize for all of the things that I did wrong. I apologize for not being the greatest girlfriend ever. I apologize for acting childish sometimes even when I should've been able to handle it and act like a grown-up. I apologize for things not working out the way we had always planned, but hope you know that God has something so much better for you and for myself.
Love Always,
Brittany Seree'
AKA
Snowflake
I just wanted to let you know that I truly do wish you the best. I hope you are happier with her than you ever were with me and that everything goes fantastically. I hope that she is everything that you are looking for, everything I couldn't be, and so much more. As strange as that sounds, it's true. I want you to be happy. I've told you that for so long now that I truly hope that you believe it. Is it hard to let you go? Yes. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Yes, of course. I thought you were going to be my one and only. Does my heart ache everytime I think about it? Yes, we had a bond that I have never shared with anyone else. That's to be expected. Do I want to be friends? Yes, but I'm scared.
I remember a time when we were so happy together. Everything just seemed to fall into place when we were together. We were invincible as long as we were together. That's how love is supposed to be. I'll never forget how it felt when you would hold my hand, kiss me, or sometimes just look into my eyes. I so badly wanted it to last forever. I so badly wanted to marry you. Somewhere in my heart of hearts, I knew it would never happen. Too many things standing in the way. Too many excuses about why it wasn't a good time. I honestly believe that you loved me at some point. I also think that there was probably a time when we both thought it would last forever and that we would get married. Then after Serenity was born...things were different. We were still in love...or so I thought. But things had definitely changed. As I look back on it I wonder if we stayed together just so that we wouldn't lose everything all at once. I don't want to believe that but if I look at the situation honestly, then that's probably what the truth is.
After you moved and I started working...things changed again. You got too busy for me. You'd never call and when you did ...it was different. You stopped saying you loved me. You finally quit calling altogether. You disappeared for 3 months. I should've known then...and somewhere in my mind I did. But I couldn't let go...not yet. So then you reappeared and asked me to stay over with you one night and I did. It was a little awkward and yet again that red flag in my head waved saying "we are different. This isn't the old us. Someone should leave." Yet, neither one of us would admit it. Somehow, I could sense that something was wrong. You were with someone else...or you wanted to be. I wasn't sure which.
Even still, a week later when you said that it was officially over, I cried. I couldn't help it. I knew in my heart it had been over for a long time. I knew that once the phone calls had stopped coming and you disappeared that you would find someone else. I just never expected you to reappear before you did so. I never expected to get a chance to say goodbye. To be honest, I wish there hadn't been one. At least a part of me does. I wish you had just disappeared...faded out, never to return. But common sense says that I would've waited for you to come back. I asked if there was someone else and you said no. I knew you were lying but i didn't understand why. Throughout the entire 4 years that we were together I told you that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy whether it was with me or not. Yet, you still felt like you had to lie. I knew there was someone. I knew you too well to believe there wasn't. But I let it go. I thanked you for an amazing relationship and all the lessons that I learned, and of course in my heart I was also thanking you for the time with our daughter. 14 short weeks, yet that was one of the greatest things that you ever gave me. You'll probably never realize that. I needed her. She helped me to grow up. She helped me to learn that life isn't always about us. She helped me to go from a teenager to a young woman. Thank you for that.
When you made everything official you said that we could still be friends. At first I said that was fine but I've realized something. I 'm not sure that I can. I don't want to be stuck in the past which is where I'm afraid I'll be if you are around me. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to cause trouble for you. I will live with a heartache day after day that is almost unbearable. My heart jumps everytime I see your picture on facebook and my stomach begins to churn. I would love to say that we could be best friends but I don't want to say that and then realize that it won't happen. Will I always be bonded to you in a very special way? Yes, but I have to be careful to let go and not live in the memories instead of moving forward. It's only fair. You were kind enough to let me go and I have to be kind enough to return the favor. I have to be kind enough to you to let you be with who makes you happy whether or not it hurts me right now and I have to be kind enough to myself to move on and wait for the guy that God has for me. Would I ever change the time we had together? No. Not only because of Serenity but because you taught me how to love someone more than myself. So, I want you to know that I love you. I will always remember and cherish the time that we had together and won't ever forget it. I want you to know that our time together will be some of the memories that I am most fond of as I grow older and definitely a story I will share with my children when they start asking about my past. I will always remember you and yet somehow, as time goes on I know that it will be less of a painful ordeal and more of a reminiscent moment.
I pray that you will find who you are meant for and that you will remember me as well. I pray that you will remember our daughter and the time that we had with her as something special. I pray that you hold her close to your heart even as I start to fade into the distance. I pray that God reveals his plans for you and begins to help you to pursue them. I pray that you know that I will never regret our time together because it was some of the best times of my life.
I thank you for everything you've done for me. I thank you for taking a chance on a girl like me. I thank you for giving me some of the best times of my life which will turn into the greatest stories. I thank you for our daughter. I thank you for loving me the way you did and teaching me lessons of life that I might not have learned otherwise.
I apologize for all of the things that I did wrong. I apologize for not being the greatest girlfriend ever. I apologize for acting childish sometimes even when I should've been able to handle it and act like a grown-up. I apologize for things not working out the way we had always planned, but hope you know that God has something so much better for you and for myself.
Love Always,
Brittany Seree'
AKA
Snowflake
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Well, Hello Stranger ~ Originally written on March 3, 2010
Serenity,
Mommy has missed you. I feel your presence tonight though. I feel you tugging on my heart and asking for my attention. I feel silly that I still feel your presence. It isn't as often as it was when you first grew your wings but I still feel you. I think maybe you have come because I am having so much anxiety lately. I love you. I know I haven't been thinking of you lately but Mommy does love you. I have been trying to help your Aunt Katie and I have been trying to get a life together for your future siblings and my future husband. I want so much to make a better life for us. I want you to look down on your mommy and know that I made it through this. That I didn't give up. I want to make you proud of me. I am glad you touched my heart tonight. It put a smile on my face that no one really knows why it is there. I needed you tonight. I hope that you will stay while I drift off to sleep. I love you baby. I hope that you remember that still. I am so glad you came to visit. Say hello to your friends and God for me. I will talk to you again soon. Sweet dreams.
~* Kisses & Cuddles *~
Mommy
Mommy has missed you. I feel your presence tonight though. I feel you tugging on my heart and asking for my attention. I feel silly that I still feel your presence. It isn't as often as it was when you first grew your wings but I still feel you. I think maybe you have come because I am having so much anxiety lately. I love you. I know I haven't been thinking of you lately but Mommy does love you. I have been trying to help your Aunt Katie and I have been trying to get a life together for your future siblings and my future husband. I want so much to make a better life for us. I want you to look down on your mommy and know that I made it through this. That I didn't give up. I want to make you proud of me. I am glad you touched my heart tonight. It put a smile on my face that no one really knows why it is there. I needed you tonight. I hope that you will stay while I drift off to sleep. I love you baby. I hope that you remember that still. I am so glad you came to visit. Say hello to your friends and God for me. I will talk to you again soon. Sweet dreams.
~* Kisses & Cuddles *~
Mommy
I miss you sooo much ~ Originally Written on January 13, 2010
Serenity Hope,
I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm missing you so much. I don't understand why I seem so weak lately. I just wish that I could go back to where I was. I love you so much but I was strong in the fact that you are with me even though I can't see you. My spirit and heart are crushed. I feel like I did that morning...I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like I should've done something else for you. I know that they said you had Sirenomelia but I just...I wanted you so much. I know that I am young and that God has promised me other kids and I am satisfied with that. I am satisfied with the time I had with you even if God never gives me anymore children. I would never trade that time with you for any reason...I wouldn't trade my time with you for everything the world can give me. God gave you to me for a seasonand I am so glad he did even if it didn't end the way I thought it would. Granny MiMi says that I was the perfect mommy still because you didn't see any of the bad things the world shows us...I love you guppie...You changed me. Mommy still has trouble with other people having babies...one of your aunts is pregnant. I won't mention which one right now but I think that's why you are on my mind so much lately. She's been asking me lots of questions and as happy as it is to remember the good things...it's sad to know that she is probably going to experience things I didn't with you. I've also been feeling really guilty for not looking at you. I sometimes wish I had. But I still remember seeing you the night before...you were perfect with your hiccups and your kicking...people probably think i'm silly since it was just an ultrasound...but you were perfect...you were my angel. I bet you're beautiful up there in Heaven with your angel wings...I miss you baby. I'll write again soon. Maybe it'll be a happier letter next time. I love you. Daddy loves you too.
*Kisses & Cuddles*
Mommy
I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm missing you so much. I don't understand why I seem so weak lately. I just wish that I could go back to where I was. I love you so much but I was strong in the fact that you are with me even though I can't see you. My spirit and heart are crushed. I feel like I did that morning...I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like I should've done something else for you. I know that they said you had Sirenomelia but I just...I wanted you so much. I know that I am young and that God has promised me other kids and I am satisfied with that. I am satisfied with the time I had with you even if God never gives me anymore children. I would never trade that time with you for any reason...I wouldn't trade my time with you for everything the world can give me. God gave you to me for a seasonand I am so glad he did even if it didn't end the way I thought it would. Granny MiMi says that I was the perfect mommy still because you didn't see any of the bad things the world shows us...I love you guppie...You changed me. Mommy still has trouble with other people having babies...one of your aunts is pregnant. I won't mention which one right now but I think that's why you are on my mind so much lately. She's been asking me lots of questions and as happy as it is to remember the good things...it's sad to know that she is probably going to experience things I didn't with you. I've also been feeling really guilty for not looking at you. I sometimes wish I had. But I still remember seeing you the night before...you were perfect with your hiccups and your kicking...people probably think i'm silly since it was just an ultrasound...but you were perfect...you were my angel. I bet you're beautiful up there in Heaven with your angel wings...I miss you baby. I'll write again soon. Maybe it'll be a happier letter next time. I love you. Daddy loves you too.
*Kisses & Cuddles*
Mommy
Dear Serenity ~ Originally Written August 13, 2009
Hey Princess!
Mommy misses you tonight. I miss you a lot lately. A lot of my friends are having babies right now and it's making me miss you. I'm gonna move to your Grandpa's house soon. I just need a change I think. Mommy just needs to start fresh. I wish that you were going to go with me. In a way I suppose you are. I also wish that I could see you right now. I wonder what you would look like and what you would be doing. I dream about you lately too. I dream about the day that you went to Heaven. It makes me feel sad when I wake up but I know that you aren't sad. You are safer there than you were with me. I will meet you someday but I wish it was right now. Daddy misses you too but he doesn't talk about it as much. I try not to talk about it now because it's been awhile and I know that people get tired of listening to me. I know that they don't understand unless they've been there. I am trying so hard to move on. I can see that I'm succeeding at times and failing epically at others. I just wanted to talk to you for a little while though. I wanted to remind you that mommy and daddy still love you. I have to go to sleep though. I still have lots to do before the big move.
I love you baby girl!
~Kisses & Cuddles~
Mommy
Mommy misses you tonight. I miss you a lot lately. A lot of my friends are having babies right now and it's making me miss you. I'm gonna move to your Grandpa's house soon. I just need a change I think. Mommy just needs to start fresh. I wish that you were going to go with me. In a way I suppose you are. I also wish that I could see you right now. I wonder what you would look like and what you would be doing. I dream about you lately too. I dream about the day that you went to Heaven. It makes me feel sad when I wake up but I know that you aren't sad. You are safer there than you were with me. I will meet you someday but I wish it was right now. Daddy misses you too but he doesn't talk about it as much. I try not to talk about it now because it's been awhile and I know that people get tired of listening to me. I know that they don't understand unless they've been there. I am trying so hard to move on. I can see that I'm succeeding at times and failing epically at others. I just wanted to talk to you for a little while though. I wanted to remind you that mommy and daddy still love you. I have to go to sleep though. I still have lots to do before the big move.
I love you baby girl!
~Kisses & Cuddles~
Mommy
Rest in Peace Baby Girl - Originally written October 28th, 2008
Serenity,
I love you so much. I'm very sad that you had to leave me before you even got a chance to live but I hope that you are happy with your life in Heaven. I am so very sorry that I failed you as a mother because I was unable to save you. I just wish that it had been me and not you. I can't change that. I hope that someday I will be able to be with you again. I'll never forget the sound of your heartbeat or the way I felt when I saw you in the ultrasound the night before you were born. I hope that you knew how much I loved you. I still love you and I will always carry you in my heart. I am trying very hard to stay strong in case you have become my guardian angel but I need you to know that it's still very hard. I want you to be here with me and I still talk to you. I sometimes forget that you even left me here and think for just a second or two that you are still growing in my tummy. Those are the hardest moments. I know that you are healthy now and I know that you aren't suffering any pain now. I hope that you weren't suffering while you were growing. If you were I'm so sorry. I would have made it stop if there was a way for that to happen. I also want you to know that your daddy loved you too. We are having a hard time right now but no matter what we were going through we loved you. We always will. I hope that you feel peace. I will be with you someday. I love you baby girl! Rest in Peace.
Kisses & Cuddles
Mommy
P.S. Watch over your daddy too please. He misses you.
I love you so much. I'm very sad that you had to leave me before you even got a chance to live but I hope that you are happy with your life in Heaven. I am so very sorry that I failed you as a mother because I was unable to save you. I just wish that it had been me and not you. I can't change that. I hope that someday I will be able to be with you again. I'll never forget the sound of your heartbeat or the way I felt when I saw you in the ultrasound the night before you were born. I hope that you knew how much I loved you. I still love you and I will always carry you in my heart. I am trying very hard to stay strong in case you have become my guardian angel but I need you to know that it's still very hard. I want you to be here with me and I still talk to you. I sometimes forget that you even left me here and think for just a second or two that you are still growing in my tummy. Those are the hardest moments. I know that you are healthy now and I know that you aren't suffering any pain now. I hope that you weren't suffering while you were growing. If you were I'm so sorry. I would have made it stop if there was a way for that to happen. I also want you to know that your daddy loved you too. We are having a hard time right now but no matter what we were going through we loved you. We always will. I hope that you feel peace. I will be with you someday. I love you baby girl! Rest in Peace.
Kisses & Cuddles
Mommy
P.S. Watch over your daddy too please. He misses you.
Worst Enemies
And then sometimes you just have to tell your fears to stand aside and force yourself to do whatever it is that you dread doing the most. In times like these it doesn't matter whether you are afraid of the reaction you might recieve or if you know it won't change anything or even if you just flat out feel like an idiot. In times like these none of that matters because sometimes things just have to be said whether the other person likes hearing it or not. No if's, and's, or but's about it. The reason for this is because usually our biggest problems are caused by keeping these feelings inside. Our worst enemies are the words left unsaid all because we are too afraid to take a risk.
Is It Possible?
What's happening to me?
Why is my heart starting to dance?
What is causing this nonstop smile once again taking its rightful place?
What is it that is giving me a reason to believe once again?
Is it possible that something amazing could be on theother side of the horizon?
Is this happening to you too?
Is your heart dancing inside your chest like mine is?
Are you thinking thoughts and experiencing feelings that you weren't aware you had?
Are you starting to wonder if this is something that you could believe in?
Is it possible that we could give this another chance?
I'm thinking about telling you that I would be willing to take the risk if you are.
I'll give it my all if you will.
Is it possible you feel the same and you'll say yes?
Or is the reality that my heart is wasting this dance?
Why is my heart starting to dance?
What is causing this nonstop smile once again taking its rightful place?
What is it that is giving me a reason to believe once again?
Is it possible that something amazing could be on theother side of the horizon?
Is this happening to you too?
Is your heart dancing inside your chest like mine is?
Are you thinking thoughts and experiencing feelings that you weren't aware you had?
Are you starting to wonder if this is something that you could believe in?
Is it possible that we could give this another chance?
I'm thinking about telling you that I would be willing to take the risk if you are.
I'll give it my all if you will.
Is it possible you feel the same and you'll say yes?
Or is the reality that my heart is wasting this dance?
Walk Away
Sometimes I know that you truly care while at other times I wonder how long you plan on stringing me along while I just sit there...
A heart wants what a heart wants but I can only wait for so long. I can only take so much before I am forced to walk away.
Every morning I pray "Please don't let today be the day. God please don't ask me to walk away" Yet when nighttime comes and you still haven't called I ask myself "Why didn't I just say what I need to say and walk away"
You're the one I want to wake up to day after day but sometimes I wonder if you're on the same page. And if you aren't then will you ever truly commit and stay? Will we be together one day? Or will I continue to sit and wonder day after day whether or not I should just walk away?
Brittany Seree' Huddleston
A heart wants what a heart wants but I can only wait for so long. I can only take so much before I am forced to walk away.
Every morning I pray "Please don't let today be the day. God please don't ask me to walk away" Yet when nighttime comes and you still haven't called I ask myself "Why didn't I just say what I need to say and walk away"
You're the one I want to wake up to day after day but sometimes I wonder if you're on the same page. And if you aren't then will you ever truly commit and stay? Will we be together one day? Or will I continue to sit and wonder day after day whether or not I should just walk away?
Brittany Seree' Huddleston
More Than This
Some of you may have already read this but I have changed it a little since I posted it on Facebook notes so maybe you could read it again...let me know what you think.
More Than This
I keep tearing down my walls and letting you back in
I keep praying that things will be different, that you won’t hurt me again
I know that there has to be more to us than this
More than empty words
More than broken promises
If there is no more than this then it’s not worth it
It isn’t worth the heartache or pain
It isn’t worth my world being shattered again and again
If there's no more than this then I'm finished playing these games
So I'll say goodbye once again
I’ll build my walls back up
But I guarantee it will be different than all the times before
this time you won’t get back in
This time there won’t be a way through
I'll be bulletproof baby!
It will hurt...I know it's true
But it won’t hurt as badly as I’ve been hurt by you
There will be no more empty words
There will be no more broken promises
I’ll walk away from all those pretty things you say
I’ll walk away from all those dark and stormy days
Someday soon you’ll come to me and you'll have lots of things to say
You'll promise that you've changed your ways
You'll swear that this time you are here to stay
You’ll beg for me to let you in...
Things will be different starting today you'll promise
Just one more chance you'll say
You'll try to convince me to tear my walls down once again
But not this time
I’ll be bulletproof baby
I won't let you back in
Because there has to be more to life than this
More Than This
I keep tearing down my walls and letting you back in
I keep praying that things will be different, that you won’t hurt me again
I know that there has to be more to us than this
More than empty words
More than broken promises
If there is no more than this then it’s not worth it
It isn’t worth the heartache or pain
It isn’t worth my world being shattered again and again
If there's no more than this then I'm finished playing these games
So I'll say goodbye once again
I’ll build my walls back up
But I guarantee it will be different than all the times before
this time you won’t get back in
This time there won’t be a way through
I'll be bulletproof baby!
It will hurt...I know it's true
But it won’t hurt as badly as I’ve been hurt by you
There will be no more empty words
There will be no more broken promises
I’ll walk away from all those pretty things you say
I’ll walk away from all those dark and stormy days
Someday soon you’ll come to me and you'll have lots of things to say
You'll promise that you've changed your ways
You'll swear that this time you are here to stay
You’ll beg for me to let you in...
Things will be different starting today you'll promise
Just one more chance you'll say
You'll try to convince me to tear my walls down once again
But not this time
I’ll be bulletproof baby
I won't let you back in
Because there has to be more to life than this
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Untitled
When was it that life became a contest?
When was it that we all decided that we had to be better than everyone else we knew?
When was it that being ourselves was declared not good enough?
When was it that we all started wanting more instead of being grateful?
When was it that we all started thinking that being loved for someone we aren't is better than letting our true self shine through?
When was it that everyone lost their compassion for others?
When was it that we decided it was okay not to care?
When was it that causing ireparable pain to the ones we care about most became acceptable?
When was it that we forgot that we are supposed to support each other through the darkest hours?
When was it that breaking you lovers' heart on purpose became a normal part of relationships?
When are we going to realize that we are perfect just the way we are and don't have to change for anyone?
When are we going to learn to be there for each other instead of being backstabbers?
When will we begin to be the change that we want to see in others?
When was it that we all decided that we had to be better than everyone else we knew?
When was it that being ourselves was declared not good enough?
When was it that we all started wanting more instead of being grateful?
When was it that we all started thinking that being loved for someone we aren't is better than letting our true self shine through?
When was it that everyone lost their compassion for others?
When was it that we decided it was okay not to care?
When was it that causing ireparable pain to the ones we care about most became acceptable?
When was it that we forgot that we are supposed to support each other through the darkest hours?
When was it that breaking you lovers' heart on purpose became a normal part of relationships?
When are we going to realize that we are perfect just the way we are and don't have to change for anyone?
When are we going to learn to be there for each other instead of being backstabbers?
When will we begin to be the change that we want to see in others?
Monday, November 15, 2010
Forbidden Emotions
This is a rough draft of what I hope to turn into a masterpiece but I know that it sounds awful right now. Leave comments. I could use the encouragement or really anything. No one has really interacted when I try to include my readers but I wish you would. It would mean alot.
When did I begin to feel like you were right for me?
When did I begin to wish I could feel your lips against mine?
When did I begin to read more into simple gestures?
When did I begin to want to call you mine?
Could you tell me why my heart insists upon harboring these forbidden emotions?
Why do I do this to myself?
When I see you I keep my cool, act like nothing's changed...
But inside I'm screaming, wishing, praying...
I know that I should tell you but honestly, I'm worried about what you'll say.
We can never be together, you'll never feel the same.
I'm just some girl with a stupid crush on someone she can never have.
How did this happen?
What cultivated these forbidden things deep inside my heart?
Last time I checked they were just a fleeting thought.
Now I am feeling all these things...
Things that I can never tell you about...
I wish you could love me
I wish I could tell you that I'm harboring forbidden emotions.
What would you say?
How would things change?
Everytime I see you I feel so confused.
I guess I'll just continue to harbor these things...
I'll keep them inside, bury them deep.
You never need to know about this.
I'll lose you for sure.
I'll be all alone.
So I'll just smile and pretend that things haven't changed.
I'll tell you I'm fine when inside I'm not.
I'll hold your hand and pretend that it means nothing.
I'll hug you and remind myself that these are nothing more than forbidden emotions.
When did I begin to feel like you were right for me?
When did I begin to wish I could feel your lips against mine?
When did I begin to read more into simple gestures?
When did I begin to want to call you mine?
Could you tell me why my heart insists upon harboring these forbidden emotions?
Why do I do this to myself?
When I see you I keep my cool, act like nothing's changed...
But inside I'm screaming, wishing, praying...
I know that I should tell you but honestly, I'm worried about what you'll say.
We can never be together, you'll never feel the same.
I'm just some girl with a stupid crush on someone she can never have.
How did this happen?
What cultivated these forbidden things deep inside my heart?
Last time I checked they were just a fleeting thought.
Now I am feeling all these things...
Things that I can never tell you about...
I wish you could love me
I wish I could tell you that I'm harboring forbidden emotions.
What would you say?
How would things change?
Everytime I see you I feel so confused.
I guess I'll just continue to harbor these things...
I'll keep them inside, bury them deep.
You never need to know about this.
I'll lose you for sure.
I'll be all alone.
So I'll just smile and pretend that things haven't changed.
I'll tell you I'm fine when inside I'm not.
I'll hold your hand and pretend that it means nothing.
I'll hug you and remind myself that these are nothing more than forbidden emotions.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Entry 5 Has Temporarily been Deleted.
I have decided that i am going to rewrite this. I need a little more time. It will be up soon though. I promise. Don't give up on me.
Friday, November 12, 2010
You'll Never Notice
The following poem is something that I wrote awhile ago and recently found a copy of again. I'd like to know what you all think. I'm working on getting some of my poetry published...This included but I haven't gotten through the very long process yet. :) I hope you all enjoy.
You'll never notice me because you're too busy noticing her.
You'll never notice the smile on my face because you're too busy trying to make her smile.
You'll never notice my hand waiting for yours to take hold of it because you're too busy waiting for her to take your outstretched hand in hers.
You'll never notice me when I ask "What's up?" because you're too busy waiting for her to ask.
You'll never notice the sparkle you put in my eyes because you're too busy looking for it in hers.
You'll never notice when I ask you how your day went because you're too busy asking her how her day went.
You'll never notice my love for you because you're too busy trying to make her love you.
You'll never notice that I like you exactly how you are because you're too busy trying to change so that you can impress her.
You'll never notice the tears silently streaming down my face because you're too busy wiping hers away.
You'll never notice how pretty I am because you're too busy noticing how pretty she is.
You'll never notice what you have standing right in front of you because you're too busy noticing what you don't have.
Let's face it; You'll never notice me hiding in the shadow because you're too busy watching her while she dances in the spotlight.
You'll never notice me because you're too busy noticing her.
You'll never notice the smile on my face because you're too busy trying to make her smile.
You'll never notice my hand waiting for yours to take hold of it because you're too busy waiting for her to take your outstretched hand in hers.
You'll never notice me when I ask "What's up?" because you're too busy waiting for her to ask.
You'll never notice the sparkle you put in my eyes because you're too busy looking for it in hers.
You'll never notice when I ask you how your day went because you're too busy asking her how her day went.
You'll never notice my love for you because you're too busy trying to make her love you.
You'll never notice that I like you exactly how you are because you're too busy trying to change so that you can impress her.
You'll never notice the tears silently streaming down my face because you're too busy wiping hers away.
You'll never notice how pretty I am because you're too busy noticing how pretty she is.
You'll never notice what you have standing right in front of you because you're too busy noticing what you don't have.
Let's face it; You'll never notice me hiding in the shadow because you're too busy watching her while she dances in the spotlight.
Monday, November 8, 2010
What Happens When?
What happens when you realize that things aren't the way they should be?
What happens when you know that this isn't what your angel would've wanted?
What happens when all those dreams you had in the past are no longer the dreams of the present?
What happens when the people you wanted are no longer who you want?
What happens when you're tired of playing the games?
What happens when you ask for things to change but they just continue to stay the same?
What happens when you start learning to live with the pain?
What happens when you finally realize that you'll never be the same?
What happens when you finally learn to accept the past and start living again?
Does it mean you don't love your baby as much?
Does it mean that you'll only find love with luck?
Does it mean that you will forget in time about all the things that mattered in the past?
Does it mean that you have to move on by yourself?
Brittany Seree'
P.S. Kisses & Cuddles baby girl. I miss you tonight..then again I'm not sure when I don't.
What happens when you know that this isn't what your angel would've wanted?
What happens when all those dreams you had in the past are no longer the dreams of the present?
What happens when the people you wanted are no longer who you want?
What happens when you're tired of playing the games?
What happens when you ask for things to change but they just continue to stay the same?
What happens when you start learning to live with the pain?
What happens when you finally realize that you'll never be the same?
What happens when you finally learn to accept the past and start living again?
Does it mean you don't love your baby as much?
Does it mean that you'll only find love with luck?
Does it mean that you will forget in time about all the things that mattered in the past?
Does it mean that you have to move on by yourself?
Brittany Seree'
P.S. Kisses & Cuddles baby girl. I miss you tonight..then again I'm not sure when I don't.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
How do we decide?
A few moments ago I was outside unloading groceries with my grandfather and saw a bright yellow butterfly. She was fluttering about the trees and the grass and the bushes outside my house. I suddenly realized that I was smiling to myself knowing that it was Serenity. Then I began to think of all of the things that remind me of Serenity when I see them. Pictures of the ocean, sea shells, butterflies, wings, mermaids (because of her disease) but before I knew about that what made me choose those things. What made me associate those things with her? What made me think of her when I saw them? What made me think of her when I saw the ocean on tv when I was still pregnant? What made us call her the 'guppie'? Or rather why did that nickname stick?
My brother was a little younger when we found out I was pregnant and so we showed him pictures on the internet of what she was supposed to look like and he said "it looks like a guppy." and it just stuck. But why?
What makes any of us choose the things that we use to symbolize our angels or our lost loved ones? I think it's neat how much symbolism there is in things. I just wonder about it sometimes.
For instance, when I see the ocean I imagine my baby swimming...like the little mermaid she was..through the waves and enjoying the water. When I see a butterfly I think of her flying high on the wings that God gifted her with but I'm not sure when I began to think of those things or when I started being able to visualize them in my head. It just clicked one day and it seems like it had never been any other way?
So my question is what reminds you all of lost loved ones? It doesn't have to be an angel baby. Just loved ones in general that have passed on. What is something that you run across sometimes in a picture or a tv show or even in your everyday environment that stirs up memories that make you smile quietly to yourself?
If you don't mind sharing then please leave comments and tell me about your symbolisms for your angels. I would love to hear about them if you would like to share.
P.S. Kisses & Cuddles to my angel. Mommy loves you. Thanks for visiting me today. Mommy misses you and until the day we meet again....The Wings of My Soul Fly With You.
My brother was a little younger when we found out I was pregnant and so we showed him pictures on the internet of what she was supposed to look like and he said "it looks like a guppy." and it just stuck. But why?
What makes any of us choose the things that we use to symbolize our angels or our lost loved ones? I think it's neat how much symbolism there is in things. I just wonder about it sometimes.
For instance, when I see the ocean I imagine my baby swimming...like the little mermaid she was..through the waves and enjoying the water. When I see a butterfly I think of her flying high on the wings that God gifted her with but I'm not sure when I began to think of those things or when I started being able to visualize them in my head. It just clicked one day and it seems like it had never been any other way?
So my question is what reminds you all of lost loved ones? It doesn't have to be an angel baby. Just loved ones in general that have passed on. What is something that you run across sometimes in a picture or a tv show or even in your everyday environment that stirs up memories that make you smile quietly to yourself?
If you don't mind sharing then please leave comments and tell me about your symbolisms for your angels. I would love to hear about them if you would like to share.
P.S. Kisses & Cuddles to my angel. Mommy loves you. Thanks for visiting me today. Mommy misses you and until the day we meet again....The Wings of My Soul Fly With You.
How I Became A Mommy To A Mermaid
Before you begin to read this please know that it is GRAPHIC AND DETAILED. None of my other posts will be like this but I want you to have the whole story and as a part of the healing process I needed to let out everything that my memory was holding about this time in my life. Please do not be offended.It is not meant to be offensive. I am only trying to let people know my experience and let others know that they are not alone.
Also feel free to leave comments but I will delete offensive, rude and/or disrespectful comments. Thank you for your understanding.
On July 29th, 2008 my life as I knew it was changed forever. I discovered that I was pregnant. I was 18 and nervous and had no idea how I would tell my mom but I knew that I had to as soon as possible. I knew that I had to tell my boyfriend (who was living with me and my mom and brother at the time) first though so I waited until his alarm went off the next morning and I decided it was time to ambush him. What better time than when he was waking up before work right? I went in and tapped him on the shoulder...
"Michael? I really need to talk to you." I started nervously.
"Can this wait?" he asked with a hint of irritation in his voice?
"Actually...no...I've already waited all night...This is really important." I pressed on.
"What is it?" he asked still not happy that I felt the need to talk to him so early in the morning.
I went and sat on the very edge of the couch and looked down at where my hands would be in my lap if I could see them.. "I'm...We...We have to tell my mom I'm pregnant." I said waiting to see how he would respond.
He suddenly stopped complaining. "Really?" he answered softly.
"Yes, really." I confirmed.
He then became very loving and had me lay down next to him on the couch rubbing my belly and talking to me.
The hard part would be telling my mom. I had told her that my period was late but that I wasn't having sex so I didn't know why. I knew that I could no longer lie and that I needed her help so I would have to tell her. I decided to just stay awake since I hadn't really slept all night and although I was exhausted I wanted to tell her before my brother had to get up for school.
I went to my room after Michael left for work and waited. I heard my mom beginning to open shades and begin getting ready for the day. So I took a deep breathe and emerged from my room praying that I wouldn't chicken out.
"You're up early." she said happily.
"Mom...I need to talk to you." I started again very nervous.
"Okay." she said not so happily...not angry but not chipper as she had been moments ago.
"I bought a pregnancy test last night." I started.
"What did it say?" she asked calmly.
I then decided to burst into tears...well..my hormones decided for me.
"It said I am.." I confessed.
"Go get it." she said to me.
I went to my room and fished it out of the hiding spot I had found for it. I handed it to her and took my seat on the couch. She grounded me and called my biological father (I have 2. I was adopted by my adoptive father after my mom and him got married when I was 4) and told him. I recieved a lecture from him and then she commenced to punishing me or something. I'm not sure what to call it. I helped her mow 3 neighbors lawns that day thinking how I really should've gotten some sleep and would've if I had known that I would be doing so much work.
Things settled down and my mom became a little indifferent. It wasn't because she didn't care but because she didn't want to get attached to the baby if I wasn't going to keep it. I knew from the beginning I was but I thought it would be good to give it a few days so that I could seem a little more responsible. But to be honest, I knew from the time that the pregnancy test showed up positive that I was going to keep her. I wouldn't be satisfied any other way.
As the weeks went on we would go to doctor's appointments, I would begin working and going to school, I would begin thinking of names. Things would begin changing.
The first doctors appointment was just a confirmation that I was in fact pregnant and they got my medical history and all that good stuff. They would get more and more exciting though. I eventually got to see the heartbeat and then a few weeks later I would hear the heartbeat.
Hearing my daughter's heartbeat (although the only one telling me it was a girl was my instincts.) made the world stand still. I took my mom and Michael and my brother. I remember thinking that it was the most comforting sound I had ever heard and how real it became after that. It made me realize that I was in fact a mommy and my baby was growing inside of me and that everything I did from this point on would be for that baby.
A little after that I discovered that Michael had been keeping a few secrets. My maternal instincts were already kicking in and we began fighting. I finally sat down and said "Get it together. If you want to be around then fine. If you don't then leave now. We will be just fine without you. This is your call but you need to decide now."
"Of course I want to be around. If I didn't want to be here then I wouldn't be" he replied angrily.
"Then show me. Show me that you want to be around. When you say you're going to go to the doctor's appointments then get up and go. Don't blow me off because you would rather sleep this is your child." I begged.
At one point I remember thinking that I should just tell him to go. I would never keep him from his child but I didn't think that I was going to want to be with him. I knew somewhere in my heart that he wouldn't grow up no matter how much I begged and pleaded with him. I didn't leave though.
Although things were constantly changing inside my body and emotions, there was one thing that was consistant. I would work 40 hours in 4 days (Friday-Monday) and then I would go to school the other 2 days of the week. I would go to sleep practically as soon as I got home and would continue to wonder about my growing child. Until one day, things would take another abrupt turn into another unknown place.
It was a Monday and I was at work. My stomach started cramping so badly...but I just figured I got to hungry or something. When I got home I would realize that I was spotting a little bit. I brought it to my mom's attention and we decided that Michael and I should go to the ER just in case something was wrong since I was still cramping pretty badly and was scared beyond belief. They said I was fine and that it was normal at this point in the pregnancy to spot a little bit and that it was nothing to worry about. I went home but this would be the first of many visits to the hospital that week and it would end up being the longest week of my entire life.
The next day I woke up at 5am and began vomitting and I felt horrible. I went and told my mom who assured me it was only morning sickness...
"If this is morning sickness then my baby better be REALLY cute!" I said at an interval where I was getting a drink before vomitting again.
My mom simply laughed, welcoming me to motherhood. After several hours of this I decided that I had the flu (my mother agreed) and I decided to stay home from school.
Tuesday night I ended up back in the ER (different hospital) because I was still vomitting and was so hungry and dehydrated that I didn't know what to do. I was worried that the baby would be harmed because of my lack of food and drink. The hospital wasn't my favorite. They kept asking if it was a possibility that I was pregnant even though I had told several doctors and nurses that I was and had written that I was pregnant on my paperwork. They still acted like they were explorers who discovered a new land when they got the results to the pregnancy test and said "You are pregnant. You know that right?"
I assured them that I knew that and had been trying to tell them that for the past several hours. They gave me 1 bag of fluids and informed me they should admit me. I asked if I could call my mom first and talk to her. While I was making my phone call and debating what to do with my mom and Michael the doctor decided to sign the papers so that they could release me even though I was still extremely dehydrated and unable to eat and they had just said that I needed to be admitted. They did however put me on bedrest.
The next morning my mom said that we had to go to the grocery store to use my WIC voucher. I explained I was on bedrest but she assured me that I would be fine for no longer than it was going to take. (She hadn't read my paperwork from the hospital.) While we were at the store I kept having to sit down even though sometimes the only place was the middle of the floor. I was weak and miserable and couldn't hardly function. We finished at the store and went home where I went back to bed (in my mother's room) and laid there until that night.
Wednesday night, I returned to the hospital yet again (a 3rd hospital) crying because the spotting had worsened. Little did I know that this would be the last time I would have to be here to make sure my daughter was okay. The nurse that took my vitals was absolutely dreadful and unfriendly. She notified me that I couldn't have anything else to drink and since I had just gotten over the flu that I should not be drinking Mt. Dew and that I needed to take my last drink and give it to my mom. I decided that since it was my last drink until I got released I would chug the entire bottle.
"That wasn't what I meant" The nurse complained.
"I'm pregnant and thirsty. I'm tired of throwing up sprite and 7-Up. I wanted the whole thing" I replied satisfied.
The next thing would be that they wanted to do an ultrasound almost instantly and I wanted to wait for Michael to get there from work. We argued for awhile but I won in the end. All I could tell them was that something was wrong and I needed him to be there in case it was the last time that we saw the baby.
I guess it's true what they say...A mother always knows.
So finally, Michael got off work and got to the hospital. They got the machine and began the ultrasound. She was beautiful. She was hicupping, kicking, punching..doing all sorts of things. Normal things that a growing baby should be doing. They said that the baby was fine but that I should still stay off my feet and be careful about too much vigorous activity. We waited for several more hours before I was released. Michael and I were both grumpy and tired and fell asleep waiting.
We woke up to a baby across the hall screaming because they were trying to get an IV into her foot but were not being very successful. Michael was in a bad mood that we were still there and I apologized that we were once again in the hospital for nothing.
"The next time we're here someone better be dead. I'm tired of being here every night when I have to work tomorrow and then they tell us over and over that nothing is wrong." he said angrily.
"I'm sorry. I just needed you. I couldn't be alone. I'm telling you something is wrong." I said ...my voice breaking. I rolled over to my side so that I was facing away from him and he wouldn't see me crying. I couldn't make anyone understand that something really was wrong. I didn't know how I knew but I did. I knew that something was going to happen and that this very long and tiresome journey wasn't over yet.
"They said everything is fine" he said matter-of-factly.
"They're wrong." I answered holding my breath to get it out so that he wouldn't know I was in tears over what he had said.
FINALLY, the nurse came in so that I could sign papers and go home. I asked to use the restroom before we left knowing that it was a decent drive before we got home. I went into the restroom and realized that I was now spotting bright red blood. I would keep this to myself though because I didn't want to have them tell me I was crazy again.
When we got home Michael laid down and said "I'm going to bed."
"I am too as soon as I talk to mom." I assured him. I still was not comfortable with any of the answers I had gotten but that would have to be okay for now.
I told my mom that they had put me on bedrest and that they said everything would be fine even though I wasn't convinced. When I walked back across the house I stopped and sat by Michael for a moment.
"I know that they said everything is fine but they are wrong. If you have anything to say to this baby then you need to say it tonight. Pray that God helps me because I know that there is something wrong. Don't ask me how. I just do." I said to him abruptly.
"You're fine. The doctor said you're fine. I'm going to sleep. Leave me alone." He repeated.
I went to my bed and tossed and turned for awhile. I kept thinking about what I was feeling and praying that God would just let my baby be okay and fill me with His peace. Things weren't over yet though. I knew that much as I drifted to sleep.
I woke up and automatically knew something was wrong Thursday morning. I was still cramping very badly. It almost felt like menstrual cramps. I had texted a bunch of people the night before saying to pray because I was going back to the hospital and had several messages when I woke up. It was about 7:20 at this point. I wrote them back and assured them that everything was fine and that I would be okay. Since I was awake anyway I decided that I would go ahead and call my boss and let him know that I had been put on bedrest so that he could find someone to cover my shift that weekend. I called 2 different times only getting an answer the 2nd time.
"Hello?" Someone answered. (I don't remember who now.)
"Hey..It's Brittany. Is Robert there yet?" I asked quickly. I was hoping this would hurry along because I was doubled over in pain at this point.
"Yeah. Hold on."
"Okay. I just really need to talk to him."
"Hello, this is Robert. " He answered.
"Robert, this is Brittany. I wanted to let you know that my doctors have put me on bedrest. I have a note and I'll have someone fax it just as soon as they get up but I can't work." I said timidly.
"For how long?!?!" he answered.
"Well, until the spotting stops or I deliver. Whichever comes first." I answered a little irritated.
"I need the note now."
"I'm not allowed out of bed unless it's to use the bathroom. you'll have to wait."
"Fine." he was irritated but i didn't care.
"I am going back to bed. I still feel awful. I just wanted to make sure you had time to find someone to cover for me." I said politely and hung up after we said goodbye.
I decided to try and sleep some more since I was feeling terrible and in excruciating pain by this time. I went to sleep and woke up at about 9:15am still feeling like I was going to die at any moment. Only this time there was something different...
My pants were wet!
I walked quickly across the house to ask a question I knew would make or break my whole world.
“How do you know when your water breaks?” I asked my mom a little panicked.
“You’re not far enough along for your water to break. You probably just wet your pants.” My mother said. She told me that we would go to the doctor and get checked if I wanted. I agreed that I needed to go and she grabbed her phone and began dialing the number.
While she dealt with that I ventured back to my room and gathered some clothes and things so that I could change. I walked back to my mom’s room and went to the bathroom. I was cramping unbearably but I never would’ve expected what I would see next. I looked and saw that I had started my period and screamed. My mom came running to me. She saw what I had screamed about and ran to get her phone again.
I felt the first of the tissue start to pass and I knew right then that I was losing my baby. My beautiful, perfect baby. I had only heard her heartbeat a couple days before for the 2nd time when I was making sure that she was okay. I couldn’t save her this time. I knew that I couldn’t take her to the doctor and have them fix this.
I changed my pants and placed a pad so that I would be able to make it to the hospital.
My mom called and told the doctor that she thought I was having a miscarriage. They listed several appointment times off to her. We couldn’t make it to the first one at 9:30 because it was already 9:25. The asked to talk to me and asked a bunch of questions that I couldn't repeat to you now if my life depended on it. They said that I needed to lay down and keep my feet up but I couldn’t. I was panicking and didn't know what I was going to do. I was terrified.
I kept getting up and walking around or just resituating myself. I kept asking questions that no one could answer. My world was crashing far too quickly and there was nothing that I could do to stop it this time. What I had feared most was happening and I couldn't stop it.
By this time Michael had heard me crying and screaming and wandered into my mother's room to find me on the bed crying. I didn't even want to look at him. He walked over to me and leaned down to hug me.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I tried to help..I tried to stop this. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me!" I pleaded with him and in a way I think I was pleading with God hoping that all of this would stop.
He looked at me with tears in his eyes "I'm sorry too. But this isn't your fault. You've done everything that you could do."
I gave way to a fresh wave of tears and curled up into fetal position on my side. Michael left the room to get dressed and I'm sure to try and pull himself together.
While he was gone I got up again pacing the room. I continued to pass tissue…larger amounts now. What happened next would change my life forever.
My mom called to me from the bathroom and as I stepped across the threshold of her bathroom suddenly I felt all the life in my body drain out of me.
“She’s gone” I said calmly.
"What do you mean she's gone?!?!" My mom asked panicking.
"I just delivered the baby. She's gone." I said matter-of-factly. It wasn't that I wasn't upset but I didn't know where to go from here. I knew I needed to get undressed and get Serenity but I couldn't. I didn't want to see her but I didn't want anyone else to either.
My mom had the flu and the blood was making her queasy so I decided to call my neighbor. She was like a 2nd mother to me anyway and I needed to have help.
Mom had me step into the bathtub and helped me out of my pants while we waited for Miss Carrie to get there. She asked me if I wanted to see her but I couldn’t do it so she took Serenity out of the bathroom and went to get something to put her and the rest of the tissue in I was passing in since the hospital asked us to bring all that we could.
The night before they had said that she was fine, active and lively... I didn’t understand and to be honest I didn't want to understand. I had failed my baby. I wasn’t a mother at all. How could I have let this happen? How could the body that was supposed to protect her also kill her? What could have changed so much in 5 short hours.
As time went on Michael kept trying to get me to let him help me. I would become hysterical everytime he even walked into my mothers bedroom. I would beg for them to keep Michael away from me. I didn’t want him to see that I had killed our baby. I didn’t want him to see the blood and tissue flowing from my body. I didn't want him to hate me for this. Sure, he said it was fine a little while ago but if he saw all of this then would it really be fine? I couldn't handle losing him too.
All that I wanted was to die…I thought I might. I asked what I did wrong and why this was happening? Was it the hot dog I ate on Wednesday after the doctors had said that you aren't supposed to have them? Was it that I was too young? Was God punishing me? Since I had already had the baby did I really have to go to the hospital because I just wanted to sleep. Who was going to the hospital with me? I was full of questions but none of them had answers.
We got to the hospital and I was covered in blood..all down my legs and still coming…I was sure all the mommies would see me and would see the walmart sack that my baby and her placenta and all the other stuff was in and that they would think I killed her. I begged mom not to take me in the lobby until they could take me back into an exam room because the other women would think I killed the baby.
"Please mom! Please don't make me go in there! They'll think I did this on purpose!! I didn't do this on purpose mom!" I begged.
"Brittany it's going to be okay. You won't be in there long."
I continued to beg with Miss Carrie since mom had to go check me in. It turned out that they didn't even make me sit in there. I was hysterical and I kept telling the nurse that I didn't mean to and I was so sorry.Later on when I asked my mom would tell me how when we went through the lobby that all the other women grabbed their tummies.
I got to the room and all my mom could say was "My grandbaby is in there. My Grandbaby is in that bag."
…they took her away and never brought her back. I would’ve given my life to save her. I wanted them to bring her back to me. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to touch her and tell her that I loved her. I wanted to tell them to let me die and that my purpose in life was gone.
They poked and prodded and did ultrasounds while my mom lay in the floor of the room with a trash can sick and Miss Carrie held my hand. I didn’t want them to touch me. I wanted them to let me go home. I didn't want anything to do with any of this anymore. I just wanted to fade away into the darkness that was swallowing me quickly. I was disgusted by myself.
The doctors and nurses were in and out of the room pretty frequently. They couldn’t stop the bleeding and at one point came in and informed my mom that they might have to do an emergency hysterectomy if my stomach didn’t start contracting soon.
Then when I finally went into full on labor I wished I was dead. They gave me 4 ibuprofen and told me to wait. Miss Carrie was sitting down waiting for me to say that I needed her again because I told her I was okay for awhile. I continued to cry off and on as the contractions came and went. I didn't understand why this was happening since I had already delivered Serenity. Was God seriously that angry? Why was this happening?
The doctor came in and said that the ultrasound tech had gone to lunch and they still needed to do one more ultrasound but that I could go and get cleaned up a little if I wanted. I begged the doctor to let me go home. She asked me to clean up a little bit and wait just a little longer.
I told my mom and Miss Carrie that I just wanted to go home and die. They told me I couldn’t die because they wouldn’t let me but did say that I could go to bed if I wanted when we got home.
The Ultrasound tech was late back from lunch and I continued to bed the doctor to let me go home. Finally she gave in. At first it was like they had forgotten that I had to give them my pants and underwear and everything because the doctor was said "Okay you can go but you need to watch for extreme blood loss and if you begin running a fever and just general signs of infection." and then she began to leave the room.
"Ummm..Someone said something about scrubs or something so that I can get home?" I asked through the tears.
They brought me some scrubs and a pad and some mesh like underwear to get me home. They handed me the clothes that I had worn to the hospital in a biohazard bag and got mom a wheel chair since she was too weak to walk from the flu.
I asked to walk. I didn’t want to sit. I cried all the way home and as soon as I got home I started trying to move all the baby stuff out of my room. I was too weak so I called my friend Mckenzie for help. I eventually broke down and had her call Michael at work. He had insisted that he had to go to work but that I could call him and he would come home if I needed him to. I made her tell him I needed him to come home and that I couldn't wait until his shift was over.
He came to me and laid with me for 3 days on the futon in the living room. I only moved to go to the bathroom and someone always escorted me to make sure that I didn’t faint or get too weak. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to curl up and die but that was the one thing that no one seemed to be willing to let me do.
Michael and I cried. That’s all we could do. He eventually had to go back to work and I was on my own during the day but I didn’t move much. If I needed to go to the bathroom then I managed…if not then I didn’t move. I wasn’t hungry anyway and even if I had been I don't think I would've eaten. I was thirsty but not thirsty enough to drink anything without someone sitting there watching.
It was by far the most difficult thing that I have ever been through. They did send Serenity to the Pathology lab and came back with answers. They told me that she had a genetic disorder called Sirenomelia or Mermaid Syndrome. For those of you who don't know what that is...The baby's legs begin to fuse together into a tail-like structure. Usually they cannot use the restroom when they are born and die hours after birth if not before. There are a few exceptions but not many. Shiloh Pepin had this disease and lived until 2 weeks after her 10th birthday but it was/is a difficult road for the few who do survive. I read somewhere that it was estimated that Sirenomelia occurs only once in every 60,000 births. It is usually in isolated cases so there is no genetic connection found at this time. But I'll leave some links at the bottom of this if you would like to do some research. I still..2 years later...do not know anyone else...out of all the angel parents that I have met ..who has lost a child to this disease. It gets lonely at times but I know that a loss is a loss no matter what the child had or what happened and there is comfort in that.
There are still times that I can mentally justify why what happened is my fault when I miss her enough. I can tell you that I didn’t try hard enough to save her and that I should’ve stayed laying down with my feet up until we left like the nurses said and that if I had that things would've been different. I still can't drive by our old house without remembering that day. I can’t go to certain hospitals because of the memories engraved in my head pf the last experience I had there.
2 years, 1 month, 1 week, and 4 days later I can still tell you that she was hiccupping and kicking and playing in my womb the night before she left us to fly high.
I find comfort in the fact that I know that she knew she was loved and that there wasn't anything I woudn't have done for her. I’m sure that she didn’t feel any pain. I still miss her but she has helped me grow as a person and she is still my guardian angel. She comes to me in dreams…she flutters through my thoughts quite often. She will always be there in my mind somewhere and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't trade those 14 weeks that I had with her for anything. I needed her to help me grow up and find strength in myself.
I find it easier to cope now but I have not forgotten. It doesn’t happen like that. These angels are sent to each angel parent so that they will be able to grow and learn things that other people don’t learn no matter how long they live. Sure, I feel ripped off sometimes when I see someone leaving their baby in the car while they run into the gas station or hear someone complaining about how crazy their children are driving them. Don’t they know that their baby is a gift? I still feel angry when someone says I shouldn’t love her anymore or acts like I’m not a mother. But to be fair, I do have to remember that not everyone experiences child loss or pregnancy loss (nor would I ever want them to). I need to remember that sometimes people aren't going to understand why my close friends tell me "Happy Mother's Day" or why I still celebrate her birthday even though she isn't here with me. I also have to accept that I still need support and sometimes it's hard for me to understand why so much later I am still so shakey about things sometimes. I still think about her quite often but I am learning to thank God for the things on Earth that she didn't have to experience instead of pitying myself and asking why I didn't get to keep her. Although, sometimes I do that too.
I am learning to walk on my own two feet but I am not very stable sometimes. Sometimes I still even need someone to hold my hand through the dark hours while at other times, I put on a brave face and when someone asks how I am…I smile and say “I'm okay.” no matter how horribly defeated I feel on the inside. I celebrate her life on September 25th now. I do not look at it as the day she died because it was really the day she began to live even if it was with God instead of on Earth.
I have learned now that this experience along with others that I have endured and the ones that I have yet to face will become a part of me but that they do not define me. I do not have to be defined by the problems and troubles in life. I can let them help me to grow and help me to become the woman of God that he intended for me to be but I do not have to nor should I allow them to define or become who I am.
P.S. Kisses and Cuddles Serenity! I love you. Always remember.. The wings of mommy's soul fly with you.
P.S. Kisses and Cuddles Serenity! I love you. Always remember.. The wings of mommy's soul fly with you.
Below are a few links with some information about Sirenomelia if you are interested:
http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/sirenomelia-1
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2625643/
www.madisonsfoundation.org/index.php/.../diseaseID,631
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